10 Rude Things People Say to Pregnant Moms Already With Big Families

big familiesThe first two times I was pregnant, people were generally pretty polite and nice to me. Sure, I had the occasional tummy rub from a stranger and a couple of questioning looks when I looked more chunky than preggo in the early months, but mostly people were gracious, sweet, and congratulatory.

My third pregnancy, seven years AFTER my first, has been a little different. It might be because for many people I know who are educated, liberal types, having more than two children biologically is considered bad and selfish. Or maybe it's just because for a lot of people who have trouble conceiving, a third (or fourth or fifth) pregnancy just feels greedy.

Whatever the reason, I have had some stunningly rude comments about my baby bump this time, and I asked around and most of my friends with 2+ kids have heard similar things. Here are the 10 rudest things we have heard:

1.) "Do you actually know where babies come from?" This gem came to me via a friend of a friend. I so wanted to point out that that there are five years between my last and my second to last because I know VERY well where babies come from and this baby was very deliberate and planned.

2.) "Uh-oh, now you can't call yourself an environmentalist, you are going to need a big gas guzzler." This one angers me because it's usually said by some smug hippy who has no clue. We are actually never going to get an SUV. We may get a minivan down the line, but for now, we are going to fit just fine in our non-gas guzzling vehicles.

10_Things_Pregnant_Moms_Dont_Want_To_Hear3.) "Couldn't you have adopted? The world is so overpopulated already?" Anyone who says this clearly has no idea how difficult it is to adopt. My husband and I had actually always planned to have two and then adopt a third, but when we started filling out the paperwork and looking into it, it was an incredibly daunting, potentially painful, and very expensive endeavor. I respect anyone who can go through with it so very, very much. But it wasn't for us. And it's not for anyone to assume it's easy, either.

4.) "Haven't you heard of ZPG?" Yep. Zero population growth. I've heard of it. I guess I really am just a selfish, resource sucking jerk. But hey, at least I am not totally uncouth, judgmental, and sanctimonious!

5.) Nothing at all. I have had more than one person in my life simply say nothing or ignore the pregnancy entirely. I know that some of them have struggled to conceive, so I try to be understanding, but it's hurtful. Plain and simple.

6.) "Is this your little 'oopsie'?" Why is it so hard to believe that people -- even those of us who have the "perfect" boy and girl -- might still choose to go for number three because that's the number of children we WANT? Is that really so weird?

7.) "Why do you have a gender preference when you already have one of each?" The reality is, some people do prefer one gender over another. Let's not make them feel more guilty about it just because we didn't. It's not really our place to judge.

8.) "Trying for that boy/girl, I bet." This one is often said to mamas whose first two were the same sex. It's potentially very hurtful because, no, we can't control the sex of our babies, and also, maybe we want all of one sex. Maybe we don't care. Maybe it's not anyone's business to assume.

9.) "Are you, like, religious?" Contrary to popular belief, people often have bigger families for reasons OTHER than spirituality. Some people just want bigger families.

10.) "OMG! Three/Four/Five is the most stressful number of kids. Your life is over now!" OK, I get it, more than one or two babies isn't for you. But come on? How is that helpful? Most pregnant women are already stressed enough.

What rude things did people say to you after pregnancy number two?


Image via Ben Salter/Flickr

the pregnant life

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nonmember avatar Kristi

My main rudeness was actually when I was preg with #2. My boss said geez why did you wait so long in between kids? I said well they would have been perfectly spaced but remember I had a miscarriage? He didnt have much to say after that.Butthead.

nonmember avatar Lilac

There is nothing wrong with big families...IF you raise you children right! I was in the store today and a mother was pushing her extremely loud (but not crying) toddler in the cart followed behind by 4 other children, oldest being about 7. All the kids were loud, almost shouting when just a few feet from each other, hopping up and down on there heels, blocking aisle completely, almost knocking elderly people down and mom just ignored them completely. She didn't tell them to use inside voice, she didn't remind them to watch out for other people and not block the way, she didn't say that its a store not a play ground so they should be careful. She just completely ignored all 5 kids and there behavior. When mom can't be a mom anymore, you have too many kids.

Tracys2 Tracys2

I don't suppose one can get out of judgment at all, except possibly with 2 children, one boy and one girl. I'm pretty sure some people thought these things about me (since I did have one of each), though I never heard them, when I had my 3rd. OTOH, my husband's family said "It's not a REAL family till there are at least 4 kids". Nobody can win.

nonmember avatar Gretta

I think you have weird friends. No one said anything like that to me.

danie... danielleapril

were getting ready for our fourth child (third pregnancy) we have 3 girls and now a boy on the way. when i announced our pregnancy i got a comment saying "well now you can be done having all these kids" we are done, but that comment was just rude.

LawNO... LawNOrderMommy

My husband and I have taken a lot of flack during this pregnancy. When people see us with three kids and me with my big belly they make lots of comments about overpopulation and providing for that many kids. They are quick to shut up when they find out this is my first pregnancy but pile extra judgement on my husband having multiple "baby mamas" like being married twice is uncommon. The sanctimonious will find a reason to judge no matter what your situation. As hurtful as it can be the best thing i've found is reminding myself that they obviously don't know what's best for my family, only my husband and I do.

EvaSa... EvaSamuel

A friend of mine had a woman tell her she needed to "get a hobby" instead of having more kids.  I told her she should have said, "I do have a hobby and I am awesome at it, how do you think I got so many kids in the first place?"  

nonmember avatar Tulip

this author must just hang out with or around terrible people. Im pregnant with #3 and no one anywhere has said anything short of sweet to me. Get new friends!

nonmember avatar ClassyGurl

If you can pay for, raise & have children that are productive members of society, then I believe you should have as many as you want. However, if you are having kids once a year or so & cannot control them- it's time to stop having them. If you are on government assistance, you should not be bringing more children in to your situation. As a previous poster said, it never fails when I go to WM there is a mom there by herself, trying to wrangle 4 or 5 kids- or not trying to wrangle them at all. Bottom line, if you can't take care of them without assistance then don't have them. I don't take pity on those couples that want a "date" night but can't convince a family member to watch all 5 kids. Well, you wanted 'em, you got 'em. I only had one for a reason.

OoOJa... OoOJanisOoO

I agree with Gretta I guess I just don't know too many "educated liberal types" because I have never heard of ZPG let alone have anyone say anything to me about it. Nobody ever says rude things to me. I really expected rude coments too since I am 8 months pregnant with my 5th and my 4th just turned 1 yesterday. My older 3 are 14, 9, and 4. A lot of people ask if they are all mine but mostly they just say good luck or tell me I have a lot of patience. We went to Italy when my 3rd was a baby. I rember a lot of people comenting on how big our family was. That was weird to me because 3 kids just seems average to me.

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