My first son was born on August 31. It was HOT. By the final weeks of my pregnancy, I was sausaged into enormous maternity sundresses that I'd once laughed at because sure, like that's EVER going to fit. Our house didn't have air conditioning and I had long surpassed that famed pregnancy "glow" for a pregnancy "all-out perspiration drench." The bones in my feet and ankles had disappeared entirely in favor of weird pillowy appendage-shapes that had the disturbing tendency to hold indentations if pressed with a morbidly curious finger.
In other words, being 80,000 months pregnant in the dog-days of summer sucked. If you'd asked me then, I would have claimed there was no way it could be less comfortable to have a baby during the dead of winter -- but then a few years later, I had my second son in February.
Now if you asked me which was worse, I'd say ... well, first I'd say what does it matter, when the joyous miracle of childbirth so thoroughly surpasses all creature comforts?
And then I'd say HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA YEAH RIGHT. I'm pretty sure every season is the worst when you're Shamu-sized and can't even lie down for half a second without being plagued by restless leg syndrome and acid reflux. Maybe spring is actually the very most difficult time, because while the world may be celebrating renewal with adorable baby lambs and unfurling flowers, you're already-congested snout is flatlined by allergies.
In my somewhat limited experience, though, the heat of summer and the cold of winter are sort of a tie in terms of pregnancy discomfort. Let's run down the suckitudes:
• It's hot.
• Maternity swimsuits are straight-up depressing.
• Every single maternity shirt has a giant stupid bow on the back and it digs into your sweaty flesh whenever you sit down.
• Did I mention how hot it is?
• Daily medicinal applications of ice cream are critically necessary to survival, which is great until you give birth and you realize how much of the weight was NOT associated with the actual baby.
• One word: cankles.
• So thirsty. So much peeing.
• Another word: chafing.
• JESUS CHRIST IT'S SO HOT.
• It's dry.
• Maternity jeans are straight-up depressing.
• Wearing a thick coat makes you look like Violet Beauregarde after she turns into a giant blueberry.
• Slippery ice is scary as hell.
• All those clothing layers give you skin tags.
• Two words: maternity tights.
• Colds last FOREVER and you can't take any drugs that actually help.
• Daily medicinal applications of warm cookies fresh from the oven are critically necessary to survival, which is great until you give birth and you realize etc. etc. etc.
• Cabin fever is way worse when you're the size of an actual cabin.
On the plus sides, flip-flops are awesome in the summer, and having a built-in heater is handy in the winter. But really, by the time you're in the final stretch of pregnancy, everything's a little rocky, no matter what time of year it might happen to be. The good news is that the end is in sight, and babies -- despite the myriad ass-pains they cause once they're on the outside of your body -- really are worth all the hassle.
Which do you think is harder for when you're super pregnant and ready to pop: summer or winter?
Image via Sonya Green/Flickr