toy crownWell, here we are, Tuesday evening and still no Royal Baby. But just in case you were worried that the Palace isn't 110 percent ready for the big event, rest assured they are. Behold: The Royal Baby Birth Plan. Here it is, step by step, everything that will happen once Kate feels those first little contractions. Here is the carefully orchestrated chain of events that will follow her.

1. Kate will inform her private secretary Jamie Lowther-Pinkerton, who will in turn alert Kate's doctor, Marcus Setchell, on a special palace-issued mobile phone. The message will be an encrypted signal ("OMFG, IT'S HAPPENING BITCHEZ!") not even Rebekah Brooks can intercept.

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2. Dr. Setchell will hop into his Aston Martin BMW, affix a flashing green light to the roof, and zoom the seven miles from his North London home to St. Mary's Hospital. Press, now you know to look out for a BMW 6 Series with a green flashing light. Who needs to intercept an encrypted signal when you already have this scoop?

3. Kate will be whisked through a side entrance into her newly sanitized, $1,500-a-night room in the Lido Wing. Heavy security is already on site, probably wearing those white hospital booties.

4. Once she's safely in there, the palace will announce the imminent arrival of the Royal Baby, even though the press will have already seen her arrive.

5. Labor and delivery.

Wait, is that it? That's not a birth plan! We still don't know if Kate will be allowed to snack during labor, whether or not she'll allow an episiotomy, what her labor playlist consists of, whether or not she'll use a birthing tub, whether she wants to labor unmedicated. Will she push while standing up or on her back? How about the lighting? So many unanswered questions!

I'm sorry. I led you to believe I would deliver a birth plan, and here instead we have a publicity plan obviously written by a man who has never been anywhere near a deliver room. I guess we'll have to find out all those much more crucial details later.

What about Kate Middleton's birth plan did you want to hear about?

 

Image via Sarah Ackerman/Flickr