Fact: Being a bridesmaid is a pain in the ass under the best of circumstances. Oh, yes it is. Spending hundreds of dollars on a dress you'll never wear again (no matter how many times the bride insists you'll wear it again), catering to the whims of a woman you're pretty sure was your friend at some point or another but that was before she morphed into BRIDEZILLA, throwing one of those obnoxious bachelorette parties where you throw penis-shaped confetti at your tiara-wearing Bridezilla while everyone else at the bar rolls their eyes in disgust ... yeah, you know what I'm talking about.
But as miserable as being a non-gestating bridesmaid can be, it's nothing compared to the epic torment of being a pregnant bridesmaid. (Trust me, I've been there.) Here are 5 reasons why:
1. Buying a maternity gown. Never mind the fun of going for extra fittings (because Oh my, you've really popped, haven't you?), as a pregnant bridesmaid, you're also gifted with the pleasure of paying more for your dress because of the extra fabric required to make you look like a parade float.
2. Shoving your swollen feet into heels. And, of course, standing in them all day and night. Walking down the aisle, standing at the altar, standing in the receiving line, mingling at the reception ... my feet are throbbing just thinking about it.
3. Not drinking champagne. Or not as much as you wish you could, anyway. Although this may result in an epiphany: It's not until you've spent many sober hours watching trashed, sweaty relatives of varying shape and size do the Macarena that you truly understand WHY people get wasted at weddings.
4. Your most bloated, awkward moments captured on film forever. And it's not over when you're done posing for all those group photos -- oh, no. You'll spend the rest of the event hiding from that irritating videographer who keeps asking you if you're having triplets.
5. Enduring an endless stream of cousins and aunts and uncles and people who look familiar but you can't be sure you're even related to putting their hands all over your belly without asking first (usually because they're drunk -- see #3).
Take my advice, ladies: When that pre-Bridezilla friend asks you that dreaded question, just say NO to being a pregnant bridesmaid.
Have you ever been a pregnant bridesmaid?
Image via Jason Wesley Upton/Flickr