Leave it to Kim Kardashian to show the rest of us how to wring every little opportunity out of a pregnancy. Today's lesson, ladies, is how to use your baby bump to get a little sympathy from a judge. She recently petitioned the judge handling her divorce from Kris Humphries to hustle it along quickly -- for the sake of the baby, of course.
I am requesting the status of my marriage be determined now for not only my health and welfare but also for the health and well-being of my unborn child. I firmly believe that an immediate dissolution of our marriage will help create a new, full life for me.
It's for the kids, judge! Meanwhile, Kim K. has been running around town, flaunting her baby bump in her typical clingy-dress fashion. And a naughty rumor has surfaced: Kim might be padding that baby bump for extra sympathy! Scandalous -- and probably untrue. But it should make expecting mamas think a little: Are there ways to game that baby bump to your advantage?
Note well, gaming the baby bump takes a lot of confidence. You'll need to be comfortable showing off your bod in tight clothing. And you'll have to be okay with waving that belly in front of people's faces strategically. It's been a while since I last sported le bump bebe (sorry, trying so hard to find new ways to put that), but to my recollection, here's how it might be deployed.
Get a seat: Enter the room or bus. Stand near some older men (never teenage boys, totally useless). Rest your hand on your belly and sigh audibly. Rock back and forth on your heels if that doesn't work. Still nothing? Start rubbing your ankles and moaning.
Get ahead in the buffet line: Approach table. Place hands on your belly. Say, "Oh look, broccoli, that's loaded with folic acid!" You want people to think you're health-conscious, so they'll want to reward you. Smile graciously as people immediately step aside to let you serve yourself first.
Skip to the front of airport security: Approach security guard. Place hands on your belly. Say, "Oh my god, oh my god, no, not now, I can't have this baby now!" Then smile reassuringly to security guard and say, "Phew, false alarm." Demur two or three times before accepting an escort to the front of the line.
Get helped in the shoe department, pronto: Approach shoes. Place hands on your belly. Announce that your feet have grown a size larger and you need all new shoes! People who work on commission will pick that up. (Try not to actually buy all the shoes, though.)
Whether or not you "enhance" your baby bump is entirely up to you. I'm definitely not endorsing that! I'm also not NOT endorsing it either. And by the way, just because sometimes it's a little hard to tell, yes of course I'm joking about all of this!
Be honest, have you ever used your baby bump to get a little sympathy?
Image via ErinNicoleKling/Flickr
Going to baseball games
Riding bike rides in the nice weather
Playing outside after work/school
Going for walks outside