7 Things No One Ever Warns a New Dad About

LOL 37

Having a baby is truly a wonderful thing. You and your spouse are creating the most precious thing you'll ever put your hands on. And while no two babies are exactly alike (not even twins), for the most part, moms have a natural instinct for taking care of the little rug rats. Dads, on the other hand, are a bit more clueless.

Sure, an owner's manual would be a monumental help to everyone, but until Apple invents an iBaby, don't hold your breath. No, new parents most certainly have their hands full. New moms are trying to get a handle on taking care of their newborn and their mostly useless husbands.

Are there things a guy needs to know before knocking up his wife? You better believe it! Here's a look at 7 things I wish I knew before my wife and I even attempted having our first child.

1. Women's bodies change. Well, duh. Of course they do. Their bellies get ginormous. But that's not what I'm talking about. During pregnancy, women actually get this vertical black line that runs down their belly. (AKA, linea nigra.) For sympathy, grab a Sharpie and do the same to yours.

2. Buy a cup. I can't tell you how many times I've been kicked in the family jewels. By my family, I mean. Specifically my kids. Babies loooove to kick, especially when they first realize they have legs. So my biggest piece of advice is to wear a cup. Always.

3. You'll have no idea what you're doing. Read as much as you want. Watch as many movies as you want. The instant you bring your newborn home for the very first time, chances are you'll sit on the couch, stare at your wife, and you'll both say, "Now what?"

4. Holy crap. No pictures, no books, no words can ever prepare you for how insanely monstrous and grotesque a baby's first poop can be. No joke, I nearly fainted the first time I saw my son's first diaper change. (And my wife almost burst her stitches!) 

5. Naps are highly underrated. Ever get just five hours of sleep in one night? Spread out in small batches of 15-minute increments? Yeah, get used to it. Say goodbye to a regular sleep pattern for a few years and embrace the afternoon nap!

6. Making a belly button is disgusting. Belly buttons are cute. But when you see first-hand how they're actually made, chances are, you'll throw up in your mouth. When the umbilical cord is cut, it's clamped off, so newborns don't have belly buttons yet. They have nasty little wrinkled tubes of skin that dry up after a few days and eventually ... just fall off. If you're lucky like me, it falls off and you have no idea when or where. Gulp.

7. Pregnant women pee when they sneeze. Pregnant women do it. Moms do it. It's apparently pretty common but we guys have no clue. Women will often say, "I laughed so hard I peed my pants." We guys always thought it was just an expression. We thought wrong.

What words of advice can you give to expecting parents?

Photo via Joelle Inge-Messerschmidt/Flickr

baby development, baby first year, childbirth, mom secrets, newborns


To add a comment, please log in with

Use Your CafeMom Profile

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Comment As a Guest

Guest comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.

Prync... Pryncess026

I actually loved your article.  My fiance (although we both read What to Expect When You're Expecting) STILL learned a million things, and SO DID I.  Even as a woman I learned things about my own body that I had never experienced before.  You eff-tards harping on him need to go on somewhere.  As for the cup, I agree.  I also need one for my boobs.  My son knows the EXACT spot to stand, push, or pinch that I don't think the pain of a mammogram could touch. 

Prync... Pryncess026

My son is a year old and I still have remnants of my linea nigra btw.  I HATE it but I've grown to be okay with it as it's a product of my miracle baby 

Chelc177 Chelc177

Cute article. Some people do not need books to know how to parent. The best thing is to learn by experience. Sad if you have to rely on classes and books to parent. This article is cute. Some of you obviously have nothing better to do but bash every article on here. Not happy with your life I take it? 

nonmember avatar Kit

I never got the black line. And I was raised by a SAHD. My mom had the better job and he loved being home and raising my sister and I. I also married the most amazing man in the world. I spend more time freaking out and looking to him for help with our daughter than I do figuring it out on my own. Just because you're clueless as a father doesn't mean all men are. I find it kind of sad that you would feed the stereotypes.

nonmember avatar Nunya

Please. How about you warn men that the emotional roller coaster after pregnancy can be even worse than the one while she was pregnant. How about PPD? How about the amount she could bleed after childbirth (my husband was literally scared to death after my c-section and he was in the room when the nurses threw back the blankets to clean me up.) About how her boobs are going to change and take some time to bounce back, if they even do at all. How about the fact that the stomach looks like a popped balloon for awhile after having a baby. That babies do nothing but sleep, poop, eat, and cry. How EXPENSIVE babies are even when you think you're 100% prepared and take precautions like buying used, ect. How she is most likely going to hate the way she looks because her body needs to bounce back and her hair could fall out, and her skin could get bad for awhile.
And baby? Forget the first poop! How about HOW MUCH they poop for the first month or so. I could not believe it with my first. I had no idea it normal. How about the emotional toll it can take having a baby that cries, sometimes for hours on end, and you can't figure out why.

This article makes me laugh. And not in a "haha" way. More in a, "how pathetic" kind of way.

nonmember avatar Elizabeth

I thought this was cute.

Mutts, you're always commenting negative stuff or putting your opinion where it does not belong.

Chelc177 Chelc177

I love how people can say such horrible things about a simply cute article. I mean Nunya really? Seems like you are not happy with motherhood or something or maybe your man was not ready. Not sure what  your issue is, but you have one that is certain. 

Jaime Swift Sundin

I can see we have a few fuck heads commenting on this article, No wonder one of them gets hated on all of the time.  No book no classes nothing can prepare a parent for a baby child or teen.  The books can barely cover the basics of being a parent much less anything real that might happen in life.

Alysia Rairdan

I think this article was cute!  Thank GOD I never got #1, sounds freaky.  I think the author was trying for cute, not a hard hitting article on everything a man goes through.  Plus I think it's commendable to have a dad that reads books to see what they have to expect.  Alot of ppl go through life oblivious to babies and what goes into taking care of them till they actually have one of their own.  My middle son when he was 1-3 ALWAYS managed to kick my fiance in the junk everytime they played.  Heck my 6 year old still does it when he gets horsing around!!!

21-30 of 37 comments First 1234 Last