7 Things No One Ever Warns a New Dad About

LOL 37

Having a baby is truly a wonderful thing. You and your spouse are creating the most precious thing you'll ever put your hands on. And while no two babies are exactly alike (not even twins), for the most part, moms have a natural instinct for taking care of the little rug rats. Dads, on the other hand, are a bit more clueless.

Sure, an owner's manual would be a monumental help to everyone, but until Apple invents an iBaby, don't hold your breath. No, new parents most certainly have their hands full. New moms are trying to get a handle on taking care of their newborn and their mostly useless husbands.

Are there things a guy needs to know before knocking up his wife? You better believe it! Here's a look at 7 things I wish I knew before my wife and I even attempted having our first child.

1. Women's bodies change. Well, duh. Of course they do. Their bellies get ginormous. But that's not what I'm talking about. During pregnancy, women actually get this vertical black line that runs down their belly. (AKA, linea nigra.) For sympathy, grab a Sharpie and do the same to yours.

2. Buy a cup. I can't tell you how many times I've been kicked in the family jewels. By my family, I mean. Specifically my kids. Babies loooove to kick, especially when they first realize they have legs. So my biggest piece of advice is to wear a cup. Always.

3. You'll have no idea what you're doing. Read as much as you want. Watch as many movies as you want. The instant you bring your newborn home for the very first time, chances are you'll sit on the couch, stare at your wife, and you'll both say, "Now what?"

4. Holy crap. No pictures, no books, no words can ever prepare you for how insanely monstrous and grotesque a baby's first poop can be. No joke, I nearly fainted the first time I saw my son's first diaper change. (And my wife almost burst her stitches!) 

5. Naps are highly underrated. Ever get just five hours of sleep in one night? Spread out in small batches of 15-minute increments? Yeah, get used to it. Say goodbye to a regular sleep pattern for a few years and embrace the afternoon nap!

6. Making a belly button is disgusting. Belly buttons are cute. But when you see first-hand how they're actually made, chances are, you'll throw up in your mouth. When the umbilical cord is cut, it's clamped off, so newborns don't have belly buttons yet. They have nasty little wrinkled tubes of skin that dry up after a few days and eventually ... just fall off. If you're lucky like me, it falls off and you have no idea when or where. Gulp.

7. Pregnant women pee when they sneeze. Pregnant women do it. Moms do it. It's apparently pretty common but we guys have no clue. Women will often say, "I laughed so hard I peed my pants." We guys always thought it was just an expression. We thought wrong.

What words of advice can you give to expecting parents?

Photo via Joelle Inge-Messerschmidt/Flickr

baby development, baby first year, childbirth, mom secrets, newborns


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ToolA... ToolArmy066

Lydnsey it was MY opinion of the aritcle, you don't like it? Then don't read it.

nonmember avatar Michelle

Todd, I am officially in love with you! Your comment is spot on, as is 4mutts :) Well said, you two!

the4m... the4mutts

Dave- then maybe you should have read ANY information what-so-ever. Every mainstream publication talks about all these.

Michelle- thanks woman ;)

Todd Vrancic

Ladies, I'm flattered, but I'm taken.

nonmember avatar Peter

Babies have very little muscle control in their necks and very hard skulls. You can be smiling at your little one when they lose control and slam their head into yours. My wife had that happen one time and staggered around saying "take the baby" because she was about to fall over. That was the worst, but we've had our share of painful head-butts from a very small human. :)

Mama2... Mama2MonkeyBoys

Not all women get linea negra.

That first poop is nothing compared to what you're in for later. Enjoy potty training.

Rache... RachelKoch

My now ex husband never lifted a finger when our sons were babies. He never got up in the middle of the night, never changed a diaper and took off for days at a time, when he got back his excuse was "I need time to my self to adjust to being a dad. Yeah, what ever. I would have loved to have had a man like Andrew. 

wamom223 wamom223

This blog made me want to give my man a big huge kiss.  Andrew I am about to rock your world but there are things my man knew that I didn't, of course he paid attention during the birthing classes while my mind kept wondering.  Yes, he doesn't like it when he gets hit in the junk by our son but he doesn't complain that he needs a cup. And if I admit I laughed or sneezed too hard that I wet my pants (he does the laundry there is no hiding it from him) he merely reminds me to remember to do my kegel exercises.  I am sad reading this that you seem to be okay with the dumb dad tittle, you are better than that dude!

train... trainlady

And the one most important thing for new fathers is that little girl will steal your heart the first time she wraps her little fingers around your big finger. Even the boys won't do it like the little baby girls do it. There is something there that just captures Daddy's heart forever. And that is why Daddy gets a broken heart when his little girl grows up and wants another man in her life. Deal with it Daddy there is no getting away from it.

Aussi... AussieReg

Yeah no linea negra for me but that might be because I am so white you need sunglasses to protect from retinal damage and no pee when I sneeze or anything because I do KEGELS keeps it all tight and pee proof, And really the meconium  and the umbilical cord was not scary dude you need to get a spine!!  And a cup OH come on it is a 7 pound new born!!! What kind of wussy boy are you SHEESH!! Grow a pair will ya!! Rub some dirt in it!!

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