11 Crazy Things I Did During Labor

OMG 108

jasperI think it's pretty safe to say I was not prepared for labor. Oh, I sure thought I was. I read lots of books, and I did exercises, and I did loads of visualization (i.e., daydreamed about how Zen-like I would be in the face of contractions -- unmedicated!). But as long as you're unwilling to face how mind-blowingly painful and unpredictable labor can be, you're going to get your ass kicked.

I got my ass kicked.

Literally. I had back labor, which felt like a sledge hammer slamming into my tail bone over and over again. I did not anticipate that! It made me do crazy, crazy things. 

1. Declared my allegiance to an unmedicated labor. What the hell did I know? My labor nurse was a great sport about it, though. She didn't try to talk me out of it. She just said okay, let's go for it! 

2. Banged my head against the floor. The first few hours of labor were fine. Then, the pain escalated -- like an out-of-control train. When breathing exercises and counter-pressure and pacing and hot showers failed, I started banging my head against the floor. For some reason, this seemed to counteract the pain in my back. But the labor nurse made me stop.

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3. Questioned the whole idea of having a baby. My sweet labor nurse kept saying, "Just think, when this is all over, you'll have a baby!" This made things worse. WHAT?!? A BABY?!? I'm not ready for that! For some reason, this came as a horrible surprise to me. I don't know what the hell I thought this whole pregnancy project was all about before.

4. Hid under the hospital bed. That's right, I was so deranged with pain, I actually tried to escape it by crawling under my hospital bed. Reader, it found me there. You cannot hide from the pain.

5. Ate horrible hospital soup. I read a lot of Ina May Gaskin, who rails against hospitals that don't allow women to eat during labor. Women are working hard, they need energy! So when the hospital brought in some soup (awful-smelling canned vegetable soup I'd never eat in my right mind), I had a few spoonfuls. Turns out, your body is working hard AND DOES NOT WANT TO DIGEST ANYTHING BECAUSE IT'S BUSY, GODDAMMIT! This led to ...

6. Vomited buckets full of bile. I did not know my body could make so much bile! I was almost impressed, in fact. Quite the accomplishment.

7. Took a nap. So, by now my midwife was there and all that vomiting had stalled my labor for two excruciating hours. After all that hell, I was still dilated only three or four centimeters! So I gave in. I got a pitocin drip and an epidural. It was such a huge relief after eight or nine hours of labor that I napped for a full hour.

8. Believed my midwife's lies. They let the epidural wear off so I could push. My midwife kept telling me the baby was ALMOST CROWNING! even when my baby was nowhere near crowning. This went on for at least an hour. She was playing Jedi mind tricks on me because she could tell by now I was just the sort of wimp to give up halfway through pushing (which I did, but that's when she started yelling at me).

9. Showed my lady parts to the entire hospital. So many hospital interns, the nurse, the surgeon who helped stitch up the tear inside my vagina. At some point I think they even let the orderly emptying the wastebasket have a look. "Quick, does anyone else need to look up my VAGINAHHH?" I called out as they wheeled me off to my room.

10. Demanded pizza. Upon delivering my child, I asked my husband to run across the street to Two Boots Pizza and get me a slice of Mr. Pink. I had worked hard and needed my energy, right Ina May?

11. Fell into crazy, helpless, google-eyed love. I've never loved anyone as much as my son, especially at that moment, when they laid him on my chest and I held him for the first time. I've been smitten ever since.

What crazy things did you do during labor?


Image via Adriana Velez 

birth stories, delivery, labor, labor & delivery, pain management


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kelti... kelticmom

I've never understood the "you need to eat during labor". I ate some crackers and fruit at first when things weren't too bad. Then the REAL pain started and I was vomiting while having contractions. Not fun.

Aeris... AerisKate

I ate during labor and then stopped when the pain was too intense. I have to say though, the hospital where I give birth has AWESOME food.  Seriously. 

nonmember avatar Tammy

Those made me laugh out loud. When I had my son the Military didn't give epidurals or anything, so I did what any woman looking at her 20th hour of labor would do. I tried to pay my doctor off to give me any pain meds he could find. Who knew they wouldn't take bribes...lol ;)

nonmember avatar blh

Who the hell eat's during labor? Between the godawful contractions and the vomiting, food was the last thing on my mind. Afterwards was a different story though.

ashjo85 ashjo85

I was never hungry during either of my labors. Not for anything, and I'm NOT a person who forgets to eat. My body was most certainly not demanding food.

ToolA... ToolArmy066

You know when you watch those baby shows and the women who get the epidurals just push the baby out without a peep coming out of their mouth as if its an everyday thing? Yeah, that wasn't me at all I screamed and the nurse told me be quiet, she almost had my fist in her face. Not only did I get the epidural,it only worked on half my body. At least it helped some what. I also didn't they shut it before I pushed, sneaky bastards. And yes it was back labor, holy crap was it back labor. My hubbys hippe aunt actually told me contractions don't hurt (no doubt t convince me to go to a birthing center instead of a hospital).

court... courtneycatt

I confused my son crowning with the urge to pee---I asked for help out the bed to go to the bathroom and the nurse said "AH I think not, let's have a baby instead"!  So much fun with no pain meds and back labor!!!

nonmember avatar Brianna

I was dead set against an eipdural, I thought I could handle it no prob but by hour six of labor I really thought my body was going to fall apart and couldn't handle it so I cried for an epidural, and finally got one hour 8. I had about 2 seconds between each 2 minute contraction and when they finally came to give me my epidural, I high fived my husband and giggled like a maniac. No shame. After that I napped on an off until those sneaky bastards started to turn off my epidural and I puked all those awesome ice chips right back up! Seriously, I don't know if they told me they would turn it off, or if they avoided telling me that fearing for their lives... Either way, it was pretty upsetting.

nonmember avatar daneika

I took a nap after having my son. When I woke up my husband told me I tried to get up and leave in the middle of labor. I don't remember it but he still makes fun of me.

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