Teen's Story of Giving Her Baby Up for Adoption Is That of a Loving Mother

Heartbreaking 11

baby bootiesFor every famous "Teen Mom", there are thousands of pregnant teens who make a very different choice: Adoption. They don't go on reality TV, and we rarely hear their stories. But in their way, they are mothers, too. And that's why I'm so glad Haley told her story about why she chose adoption.

Haley is a teen who wrote the story of her pregnancy at the age of 15 for the blog Portrait of an Adoption. She's breathtakingly candid about how the whole experience felt for her. It ends with positive outcomes for everyone involved, but my heart broke along the way as I read what Haley went through.

Like many young teens, Haley became pregnant not through promiscuity, but kind of more through innocence. She trusted a boy she was seeing. He was her first. And she never expected that they would have sex -- until they did. How many other girls have gotten pregnant because they weren't prepared with birth control because they truly didn't think they were going to have sex in the first place?

Haley is lucky to have a supportive mom who rushes to her side and helps her think through her options without judgment. I'm so glad she felt loved by her mother even after making this mistake. I think she was more capable of making the best choice for herself because of that love and support. 

There's drama during Haley's pregnancy and delivery. But the real emotional impact is her relationship with her baby. When it looks like she'll delivery early, Haley is worried for the baby -- but also sad that she'll have less time with her baby.  

I gripped my stomach with all the love in the world and said "She is still mine; she is still my baby for another 5 weeks. She is my baby; I am not ready; I can’t do this."

Oh, that just killed me. Saying goodbye to her baby girl after she's born and handed over to her adoptive family is heartbreaking for Haley. It reminded me of an essay a friend of mine wrote about her own pregnancy and experience with adoption. She titled it "All Parts of Me" -- because once you've carried a baby inside you, even if you give the baby up to another family, that baby will always be a part of you.

It's bittersweet. Haley will always feel that connection. She loves her baby's family and is positive that the baby is exactly where she needs to be. She has no regrets about choosing adoption. But that doesn't make it any easier. Sometimes the best choice for you is the one that hurts the most.

Have you had experience with giving up a baby for adoption after an unplanned pregnancy?

 

Image via normanack/Flickr

delivery, emotions, motherhood, adoption

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Mamab... MamabearC

No  I haven't but I think very highly of those that make that personal sacrifice so that their baby can have more opportunities and a chance at a better life.

nonmember avatar LizzieBorden

If only more people were capable to make the decision of adoption. My sister became pregnant as a teen & when our father proposed he'd adopt the baby she refused after the baby was born saying she couldn't give him up & wanted to raise him. Lo and behold by the time he was a toddler she ended up leaving him with the paternal grandparents, who in turn lost custody of him. He's now in his late teens & serving time in juvenile hall for a rather violent crime and a detriment to society. That's the part where I think abortion comes in; early in a pregnancy it might be easier to face an abortion than to go through with the pregnancy with the hopes of adoption. Immature people end up thinking they can raise the child after going through the pregnancy and birth only to be hit by reality when it's too late. The reality is it's HARD to parent; especially when the other parent isn't involved, which is typical for teen pregnancies. Teach kids NEVER to have unprotected sex; the consequences are huge.

Purpl... PurplePeach72

I wish we heard from more birth mothers.  Almost 20 years ago I gave up my 1st born in an open adoption in NY.  I picked my daughters parents.  With the help of a great adoption agency I negotiated the agreement of how much contact we would maintian.  I know that my decision gave my child the best life she could have.  I was blessed to be able to see that for 16 years.  She may never need to contact me because I shared all I could about myself with her parents.  She has the ability to reach out to me if she wants to.  Being a parent is about doing what is best for your child no matter how much it hurts you.  Love is not about doing what is easy and makes you feel good.  I have no regrets about my decision.  I know I did what was best for her.  I have a 10 year old daughter and my husband & I are hoping to have another baby when he returns from Afghanistan.   


As a society we need to teach this lesson on life and love.  Neither should be all about self but about truly loving others.

tuffy... tuffymama

I went to high school with a girl who got pregnant right after graduation and she gave the child up for adoption. Sweet, right? Wait. She and the same boyfriend conceived and gave up one a year later and another less than a year after that, that I know of, before I lost track of them. I guess they couldn't afford condoms? Crazy.

nonmember avatar lookslikeit

...they did show adoption on Teen Mom...Catelynn and Tyler??

Nycti... Nyctimene

I have mixed feelings about this.


This story is wonderful if it's truly what Haley wanted to do but often young girls are scared or pressured into. One only needs to read a few articles on The Stir to see how cruel the world and even other [older] mothers are to younger ones. It's hard to be told that you're stupid, slutty, irresponsible, in no way even remotely able to raise a baby and then find the confidence to do so.


Part of me feels that if mothers were more supportive, it would be very possible for many kids to stay with their parents even if those parents are young because there would be far more support and help for them..even if just emotional to give them confidence that they CAN do this.


I went to a school for young mothers and many of the youngest mothers (about Haley's age) were completely harassed by the Social Worker almost forcing them to put their babies up for adoption. She would show up at inappropriate times and places (prenatal visits, delivery room) when they were tired, vulnerable and often alone (no friends or advocate from the school to shield them) and go on and on about how much better adoption would be for their kids. They had to put out warnings around the school to be careful of this person. Horrible. 


My own birth mother completely snapped after I was [non voluntarily] adopted. When I made contact 22 years later she was terrified that even talking to me would get her kids she'd had since taken away.

kelti... kelticmom

I'm adopted, and my adoptive mother always says "a baby's place is with it's mother, and adoption should be a last resort." In my case, my birth mom's parents gave her the option "abort or get out". So she moved in with an aunt and gave me up at birth without ever seeing me. Parents that have the means to support/help support their daughter's baby, have a moral obligation to do so, that is their grandchild. I fear that too many parents pressure their daughters into choosing adoption because they don't want the social stigma of having an illegitimate grandchild. But for the girls that literally have no other option, adoption is the hardest, most selfless decision they will ever make.

nonmember avatar Diane Potter

We adopted from a 15 year old pregnant girl. Our son if only 5 now but we believe in open adoptions. We never want him to feel like he was discarded. In fact we're going to paint the picture of so much love he has more than one family. I want him to feel special like Steve Jobs. We're actually looking to adopt again but it's situations like this that makes it possible for these babies to flourish- and I mean the baby and the teen mom. It is a selfless act, but because we see her every year and she was able to complete her goals, she feels it was the best decision she could've made for both of them. SHe's now married and has two children with her husband. From my experience it certainly has had positive effects for both our family and bio mom's.

nonmember avatar blh

Keltic mom thats so stupid. No one is obligated to support their childrens children. I've seen too many grandparents forced to raise their grandkids bc the parents are pieces of shit. That's so unfair. When my Kids are grown up, I'll be done. Im not starting all over.

nonmember avatar Donna

Lizzieborden, lots of parents that are good parents have children that end up doing the wrong things and end up in and out of jail, should THEY have aborted their children as well??. I don't think you've really made a good point.

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