For every famous "Teen Mom", there are thousands of pregnant teens who make a very different choice: Adoption. They don't go on reality TV, and we rarely hear their stories. But in their way, they are mothers, too. And that's why I'm so glad Haley told her story about why she chose adoption.
Haley is a teen who wrote the story of her pregnancy at the age of 15 for the blog Portrait of an Adoption. She's breathtakingly candid about how the whole experience felt for her. It ends with positive outcomes for everyone involved, but my heart broke along the way as I read what Haley went through.
Like many young teens, Haley became pregnant not through promiscuity, but kind of more through innocence. She trusted a boy she was seeing. He was her first. And she never expected that they would have sex -- until they did. How many other girls have gotten pregnant because they weren't prepared with birth control because they truly didn't think they were going to have sex in the first place?
Haley is lucky to have a supportive mom who rushes to her side and helps her think through her options without judgment. I'm so glad she felt loved by her mother even after making this mistake. I think she was more capable of making the best choice for herself because of that love and support.
There's drama during Haley's pregnancy and delivery. But the real emotional impact is her relationship with her baby. When it looks like she'll delivery early, Haley is worried for the baby -- but also sad that she'll have less time with her baby.
I gripped my stomach with all the love in the world and said "She is still mine; she is still my baby for another 5 weeks. She is my baby; I am not ready; I can’t do this."
Oh, that just killed me. Saying goodbye to her baby girl after she's born and handed over to her adoptive family is heartbreaking for Haley. It reminded me of an essay a friend of mine wrote about her own pregnancy and experience with adoption. She titled it "All Parts of Me" -- because once you've carried a baby inside you, even if you give the baby up to another family, that baby will always be a part of you.
It's bittersweet. Haley will always feel that connection. She loves her baby's family and is positive that the baby is exactly where she needs to be. She has no regrets about choosing adoption. But that doesn't make it any easier. Sometimes the best choice for you is the one that hurts the most.
Have you had experience with giving up a baby for adoption after an unplanned pregnancy?
Image via normanack/Flickr
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Comments 11
No I haven't but I think very highly of those that make that personal sacrifice so that their baby can have more opportunities and a chance at a better life.
I wish we heard from more birth mothers. Almost 20 years ago I gave up my 1st born in an open adoption in NY. I picked my daughters parents. With the help of a great adoption agency I negotiated the agreement of how much contact we would maintian. I know that my decision gave my child the best life she could have. I was blessed to be able to see that for 16 years. She may never need to contact me because I shared all I could about myself with her parents. She has the ability to reach out to me if she wants to. Being a parent is about doing what is best for your child no matter how much it hurts you. Love is not about doing what is easy and makes you feel good. I have no regrets about my decision. I know I did what was best for her. I have a 10 year old daughter and my husband & I are hoping to have another baby when he returns from Afghanistan.
As a society we need to teach this lesson on life and love. Neither should be all about self but about truly loving others.
I have mixed feelings about this.
This story is wonderful if it's truly what Haley wanted to do but often young girls are scared or pressured into. One only needs to read a few articles on The Stir to see how cruel the world and even other [older] mothers are to younger ones. It's hard to be told that you're stupid, slutty, irresponsible, in no way even remotely able to raise a baby and then find the confidence to do so.
Part of me feels that if mothers were more supportive, it would be very possible for many kids to stay with their parents even if those parents are young because there would be far more support and help for them..even if just emotional to give them confidence that they CAN do this.
I went to a school for young mothers and many of the youngest mothers (about Haley's age) were completely harassed by the Social Worker almost forcing them to put their babies up for adoption. She would show up at inappropriate times and places (prenatal visits, delivery room) when they were tired, vulnerable and often alone (no friends or advocate from the school to shield them) and go on and on about how much better adoption would be for their kids. They had to put out warnings around the school to be careful of this person. Horrible.
My own birth mother completely snapped after I was [non voluntarily] adopted. When I made contact 22 years later she was terrified that even talking to me would get her kids she'd had since taken away.