Follow The Stir

Pregnancy

Mom Moment

Why Miscarriages Are So Emotionally Painful

by Michele Zipp on December 14, 2012 at 10:54 AM

cloud heartThere's nothing like the thrill of finding out you are pregnant, particularly when you are trying to conceive. It's this immediate rush of happiness flowing through your body. It's like you can feel that little bean taking up residence in your womb, the sense of a little soul within you. A creation. A baby. It's magical. Sometimes that baby's entire life flashes in your mind. Picking a name. The birth. Holding baby for the first time. Watching those first steps, the first smile, the first word. All of this happens even early in the pregnancy. Eight weeks. Ten weeks. Twelve weeks. No matter how many weeks, it's real. All is full of love. It's hope.

Miscarriage. One of the most painful words. So hard to talk about. So hard to stay positive and hold out hope for another try. Because a miscarriage essentially destroys that hope.

That feeling of losing a baby, even in the earliest of days, is an empty one. It's almost as if all the exciting chatter happening in your brain, all the hopes and dreams and photo-worthy moments, come to a deafening halt. It stops. Quiet. But loud. There was once a life inside and now it's gone. It's dark. It's colder. And you try to go on. Try to put on a brave face and think, It's going to be okay. These things happen. I will recover. I will try again. I'm not going to lose hope.

But there's a part of you that will never be okay. There's a part of you that may not recover. There's a part of you that does lose hope. And it's so hard to talk about, and so hard to express your emotions, because it's a little being that never was of this Earth, but was of your womb. A sacred, private place. A place that perhaps no one could understand what you knew about that baby except for you, the mom who was carrying her or him, that little soul. Because you were connected in a way no one else was. 

I thought I would be okay. I thought I would recover. And there are ways that I did. But there are also ways that I did not and will never. I'm filled with what ifs. I see my children, my twins who are living and of this Earth, and am reminded that there was another. A sister, maybe. But I feel in my heart it was a brother. Because of my connection. Because of that hope that lived inside me. Because I imagined so much. That pain would be there if I was never able to conceive again, but having a successful pregnancy and birth doesn't heal that pain either. I thought I was healed. But there are many moments like when I see my daughter laugh at her brother and think that there was almost another child in this picture. Another laugh. Another smile. Another love of this Earth. Another being I created. But I do have that child's "heart"-- that soul, that spirit. It never left me. The hopes and dreams I had for that baby may be gone, but there is a part of him that will always live inside me. I keep it, like a secret almost. A reminder of how fragile we all once were, and still are.

Have you had a challenging time recovering emotionally from a miscarriage? Do you also think of that baby often?


Image via Ana Patricia Almeida/Flickr

Filed Under: emotions, miscarriage & loss

Comments

18
  • Gypsy...
    --

    GypsyMa76

    December 14, 2012 at 12:47 PM

    Your article hit the nail on the head. You put into words that Which i couldn't. I lost mine at 8 weeks June 4th 2011 & yes I think of that baby often. Even though it lived only a short while I will love it forever. I'm sorry for your loss <3

     


  • Desig...
    --

    Designmama

    December 14, 2012 at 2:09 PM

    I'm now 9 months pregnant and ready to give birth to my rainbow baby. I thought having a living baby would heal the pain but I still get sad when I think about the baby I miscarried last summer. It was a special time to be pregnant for the first time with the love of my life's baby, I was so devastated when I lost it, I also lost the innocence of pregnancy. The first 20 weeks with this baby were hell because I expected to lose her at every second, any ache or pain sent me into a panic. Pregnancy is not all rainbows and butterflies! The only good thing that came out of the experience of miscarriage is I loved that little bean for a short while, and I am now so much more grateful for the baby I'm about to have who is alive and well...


  • carly
    -- Nonmember comment from

    carly

    December 14, 2012 at 2:54 PM
    I found out recently that my grandparents actually tried for a fourth child, but lost it. it was really sad, and while we want to know, we don't want to ask.
  • puasa...
    --

    puasaurusrex

    December 14, 2012 at 2:54 PM
    I just had my rainbow baby two weeks ago, which was conceived on my due date. It's so strange to me I should have a 8 month old and not a two week old. She helps, but it's hard not to hurt sometimes.
  • Thund...
    --

    Thunder11

    December 14, 2012 at 3:27 PM

    I have had 3 miscarriages over the past 7 years...it is so hard.  I try not to look around and think that I should have 3 little ones running around.  My husband and I continue to try and I hope one day I will have a healthy baby, but at the same time I am terrified to see a positive pregnancy test.  


  • babya...
    --

    babyanderson

    December 15, 2012 at 12:50 AM
    I've had 2 losses. One at 12 weeks and one at 20 weeks. Bith times the baby had passed with no symptoms of miscarriage (making each pregnancy after that much worse not knowing) only to find at my ultrasound that the baby had died. I delivered my daughter so I got to hold her and see her. I'm thankful for that. I had my rainbow baby in august and I think of his sister, Brenna, often.
  • Senia...
    --

    Seniahmom

    December 15, 2012 at 10:48 AM
    Been there twice and lost three babies. I think of them often. Especially around this time of year.
  • Beaut...
    -- Nonmember comment from

    Beautiful

    December 15, 2012 at 10:07 PM
    We had 4 miscarriages within 2 years while trying to conceive, all around 9 weeks. We gave up and now are 27 weeks pregnant. The hardest part about losing the other 4 is now im afraid to get attatched to this pregnancy. I hardly ever feel pregnant and refuse to find out the sex as I don't want to think about the posibilities and be disappointed yet again. Everytime I saw a positive pregnancy test, I felt nothing after losing the first baby. Hopefully this time everything goes ok and we actually get a baby! :) don't think I could go through it again.
  • teach...
    --

    teacherchick77

    December 17, 2012 at 6:22 AM
    Well said. Miscarriage seems to be a pain that is politically incorrect somehow, like you aren't supposed to talk about it. I've lost 4 angels. One with every pregnancy (I lost a twin for both of my sons). It's devastating and scary. There seems to be a stigma against sharing this pain (ie. waiting to share your pregnancy until you are "safe"), but if more women did share it would eliminate some of the isolation many fear after suffering a miscarriage. My heart goes out to all of you who have gone through this. It's awful.
  • Amand...
    -- Nonmember comment from

    Amanda Frank

    December 18, 2012 at 10:03 PM
    My heart goes out anyone who has lost a child in any capacity. My best friend and my sister-in-law each have miscarried multiple times and my heart breaks for them because all they've ever wanted was to have a baby and be mothers. Each time it happened, I always fought to find the words to comfort them, until one of my friends told me about a book to get them. It's called "There Was Supposed To Be a Baby" by Catherine Keating, you can check her and the book on the website http://therewassupposedtobe.com/. I've given this book to each of them as a gift and both have said what a wonderful book and comfort it was to them. Thank you for this post, and may you all find peace!
1-10 of 18 comments

To leave a comment, log in as a CafeMom member:

Log In

OR, use our non-member comment form: