In case you need additional proof that the world is full of idiots, the big news on the parenting front today is that Moms and Dads are looking to give their baby a "cool" name. Well, of course they are! Naming a baby is just like choosing an outfit for hitting the clubs on New Year's Eve, isn't it? Isn't it?
Please, don't answer that. At least, don't if you're going to depress me further. Society has (sadly) reached a point at which the following needs to be stated.
Your kid doesn't care about a cool name! They just want a name that will keep them from being tortured on the playground and won't get them laughed out of the board room!
More from The Stir: Top 10 Baby Name Predictions for 2013
Because babies are not like hi-top sneakers, wild neon colors, or unfortunate blue eye shadow, the "cool factor" is not one of the criteria to be considered when choosing a baby name. So what is? Behold a guide to not naming your baby like an idiot:
1. If it rhymes with the following, feel free to skip it: weenis, wagina, woobs, wulva ...
2. If you've run it through the "stripper name generator" and there were no matches, you're probably safe.
3. If your grandmother had more than one friend with the name, put it in the discard pile.
4. If it is a food source, let's just say ix-nay on the Apple-hay.
5. If Honey Boo Boo would call it hoity-toity, it gets a gold star.
6. Literary references are only in if your idea of "real literature" does not run toward Fifty Shades of Grey.
7. Does it make a 7-year-old giggle? Go ask one. If it does, you might want to picture sending your 7-year-old out on a playground with that target on his back.
8. Do you envision it fitting in best in a board room or a bordello? If you don't know the "right" answer here, consider adoption.
9. If you've called the local preschool and learned there are currently 19 children enrolled with the name, feel free to give it a pass.
10. Is it spelled like someone fell asleep on the laptop keyboard? If you can't tell, please don't home school.
What would you add to this list?
Image via the hills are alive/Flickr
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Comments 23
When I named my son and daugher I had two requirements, it had to be spelled "normal" and it couldn't be a unisex name. I have a unisex name that is spelled uncommonly and I could never find anything with my name on it and was put on the boy's shower list!
We chose our daughter's name because of it's meaning- resurrection- because having a healthy baby after the death of our son was the re-birth of joy and hope. It was only after she was born that someone pointed out the "Fifty Shades of Grey" connection. Yes, she's Anastasia.
Perhaps this is the new normal? As I know more Olivia's then you can shake a stick at, so did my grandma (who's name was Ola)...Aden was my boy name choice, 12 years ago, I had never met one. My daughter knows 3 her age. I thought I made up my daughters name (for a girl) only to hear it on the TV when she was 7days old. People that hate strange new names say Yeah but McKinley is a great name.
...my family called me Beth Ann despite my beautiful birth Name, and my sister is Susan...I've not heard those names on anyone under 35 at this point...seems like time to recycle names...oh and my brothers Brian & John...both married girls named Sue ...Guess what I wished my name was when I was 10?....SUE! How odd would it be if at 25 I started making everyone call me Elizabeth because...it's my name!...all this to insure(by my father) I was not a Liz...So maybe it isn't the kid we are trying to please with our naming of them...is it...JEAN ie ?!
Will it be a good fit when they grow up... some names ooze baby charm, but somehow seem inadequate for a grown up.
I really like my name, and no one had shortened it until a few years ago (my now husband actually started calling me Lily).
I think vintage names are beautiful and my daughter has one. She is named after my mother and it is just right for her. I hate mis-spelled names with a passion. Your child is NOT unique, they are cursed. My son has a unique name that suits him but is easy to pronounce and spell, IMPORTANT! The one we are due with will have "normal" easy to spell and pronounce name as well, semi-unique as I don't know anyone with either name personally.
I have ALWAYS hated my name. I was supposed to be a boy and my parents didn't change it much - from James to Jamie. I have never been the only Jamie and with the unisex spelling, I have had a lot of people expect a man and wind up with me instead for job interviews. I've always wished for something more "me" and so most of my friends called me Jamison as a tease (I am a huge tomboy). I want my kids to like their names and feel comfortable in them. So far, i'm 2 for 2.
when i picked my 2 kids names i looked at the meanings . cuz to me that was inportant didnt want them to have crazy meanings like mine does :)