10 Important Things to Consider When Choosing Your Baby's Name

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baby In case you need additional proof that the world is full of idiots, the big news on the parenting front today is that Moms and Dads are looking to give their baby a "cool" name. Well, of course they are! Naming a baby is just like choosing an outfit for hitting the clubs on New Year's Eve, isn't it? Isn't it?

Please, don't answer that. At least, don't if you're going to depress me further. Society has (sadly) reached a point at which the following needs to be stated.

Your kid doesn't care about a cool name! They just want a name that will keep them from being tortured on the playground and won't get them laughed out of the board room!

More from The Stir: Top 10 Baby Name Predictions for 2013

Because babies are not like hi-top sneakers, wild neon colors, or unfortunate blue eye shadow, the "cool factor" is not one of the criteria to be considered when choosing a baby name. So what is? Behold a guide to not naming your baby like an idiot:

1. If it rhymes with the following, feel free to skip it: weenis, wagina, woobs, wulva ...

2. If you've run it through the "stripper name generator" and there were no matches, you're probably safe.

3. If your grandmother had more than one friend with the name, put it in the discard pile.

4. If it is a food source, let's just say ix-nay on the Apple-hay.

5. If Honey Boo Boo would call it hoity-toity, it gets a gold star.

6. Literary references are only in if your idea of "real literature" does not run toward Fifty Shades of Grey.

7. Does it make a 7-year-old giggle? Go ask one. If it does, you might want to picture sending your 7-year-old out on a playground with that target on his back.

8. Do you envision it fitting in best in a board room or a bordello? If you don't know the "right" answer here, consider adoption.

9. If you've called the local preschool and learned there are currently 19 children enrolled with the name, feel free to give it a pass.

10. Is it spelled like someone fell asleep on the laptop keyboard? If you can't tell, please don't home school.

What would you add to this list?


Image via the hills are alive/Flickr



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nonmember avatar Clare

I agree with all but number 3. While some "vintage" names surely belong in the past - names like John, Jane, Ann, Matthew, etc. are timeless and wonderful. In fact, I'd take an "old fashioned" name over some of the ridiculous "cool and trendy" names ANY DAY!

tbruc... tbrucemom

When I named my son and daugher I had two requirements, it had to be spelled "normal" and it couldn't be a unisex name. I have a unisex name that is spelled uncommonly and I could never find anything with my name on it and was put on the boy's shower list!

Teresa Kennedy

We chose our daughter's name because of it's meaning- resurrection- because having a healthy baby after the death of our son was the re-birth of joy and hope. It was only after she was born that someone pointed out the "Fifty Shades of Grey" connection. Yes, she's Anastasia.

Beth McCormack Bernitt

Perhaps this is the new normal? As I know more Olivia's then you can shake a stick at, so did my grandma (who's name was Ola)...Aden was my boy  name choice, 12 years ago, I had never met one. My daughter knows 3 her age. I thought I made up my daughters name (for a girl) only to hear it on the TV when she was 7days old. People that hate strange new names say Yeah but McKinley is a great name.

...my family called me Beth Ann despite my beautiful birth Name, and my sister is Susan...I've not heard those names on anyone under 35 at this point...seems like time to recycle names...oh and my brothers Brian & John...both married girls named Sue ...Guess what I wished my name was when I was 10?....SUE!  How odd would it be if at 25 I started making everyone call me Elizabeth because...it's my name!...all this to insure(by my father) I was not a Liz...So maybe it isn't the kid we are trying to please with our naming of them...is it...JEAN ie ?!

MomLi... MomLily67

Will it be a good fit when they grow up... some names ooze baby charm, but somehow seem inadequate for a grown  up.

I really like my name, and no one had shortened it until a few years ago (my now husband actually started calling me Lily).

nonmember avatar ymgkdksbe

Wow that was unusual. I just wrote an really long comment but after I clicked
submit my comment didn't appear. Grrrr... well I'm not writing all that over again. Anyway, just wanted to say
great blog!

Jamie Lechner

I think vintage names are beautiful and my daughter has one. She is named after my mother and it is just right for her. I hate mis-spelled names with a passion. Your child is NOT unique, they are cursed. My son has a unique name that suits him but is easy to pronounce and spell, IMPORTANT! The one we are due with will have "normal" easy to spell and pronounce name as well, semi-unique as I don't know anyone with either name personally.

I have ALWAYS hated my name. I was supposed to be a boy and my parents didn't change it much - from James to Jamie. I have never been the only Jamie and with the unisex spelling, I have had a lot of people expect a man and  wind up with me instead for job interviews. I've always wished for something more "me" and so most of my friends called me Jamison as a tease (I am a huge tomboy). I want my kids to like their names and feel comfortable in them. So far, i'm 2 for 2. 

Rhiannon Long

when i picked my 2 kids names i looked at the meanings . cuz to me that was inportant didnt want them to have crazy meanings like mine does :)

nonmember avatar Tickles

I wasn't concerned with "what other people (or in this case other children) " would think about my daughters name ... But I guess that's just me. I would rather my child's name have some meaning behind it than worry about "what's the world going to think". After all- most names are at one time or another popular. Who knows what's going to be acceptable in the board room or what strippers will be using as stage names 20 years from now! And no her name was not Pepsi or after fruit salad....

Marie Hansel

Wow, really? Consider adoption?! I am adopted I guess my bio Mom must have had that problem... Seriously, this article is so snobbish and almost self righteous I am a tad disapointed. Naming our children is our own business as parents. I am due at the end of January and looks like I will be breaking the rules. Really. Rules for names.

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