10 Important Things to Consider When Choosing Your Baby's Name

baby In case you need additional proof that the world is full of idiots, the big news on the parenting front today is that Moms and Dads are looking to give their baby a "cool" name. Well, of course they are! Naming a baby is just like choosing an outfit for hitting the clubs on New Year's Eve, isn't it? Isn't it?

Please, don't answer that. At least, don't if you're going to depress me further. Society has (sadly) reached a point at which the following needs to be stated.


Your kid doesn't care about a cool name! They just want a name that will keep them from being tortured on the playground and won't get them laughed out of the board room!

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Because babies are not like hi-top sneakers, wild neon colors, or unfortunate blue eye shadow, the "cool factor" is not one of the criteria to be considered when choosing a baby name. So what is? Behold a guide to not naming your baby like an idiot:

1. If it rhymes with the following, feel free to skip it: weenis, wagina, woobs, wulva ...

2. If you've run it through the "stripper name generator" and there were no matches, you're probably safe.

3. If your grandmother had more than one friend with the name, put it in the discard pile.

4. If it is a food source, let's just say ix-nay on the Apple-hay.

5. If Honey Boo Boo would call it hoity-toity, it gets a gold star.

6. Literary references are only in if your idea of "real literature" does not run toward Fifty Shades of Grey.

7. Does it make a 7-year-old giggle? Go ask one. If it does, you might want to picture sending your 7-year-old out on a playground with that target on his back.

8. Do you envision it fitting in best in a board room or a bordello? If you don't know the "right" answer here, consider adoption.

9. If you've called the local preschool and learned there are currently 19 children enrolled with the name, feel free to give it a pass.

10. Is it spelled like someone fell asleep on the laptop keyboard? If you can't tell, please don't home school.

What would you add to this list?


Image via the hills are alive/Flickr

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