Sometimes I'm Jealous Of Pregnant Women

Being a Mom 11

I can't have any more children. At least none that are biologically mine.

I'll never be pregnant again. 

A couple of weeks after our first child was born, I underwent a radical hysterectomy to remove cancer that was discovered at the time of my C-section. Having the surgery was a no brainer. It was a do it or die situation. I chose to fight to live, and that's what I'm going to continue to do for as long as I can.

But now that the cancer seems to be in remission, I'm noticing that I sometimes feel jealous around pregnant women.

Now, who knows if we would have chosen to have another child after Maggie. When she was born, I was no spring chicken at age 44. And I wasn't going to get any younger.

Plus, ours was a high risk pregnancy. We were fortunate to deliver a child with no apparent health problems. To us (and to her pediatrician), she appears to be perfect. So, would we have pushed our luck and tried for another one, at our age?

Who knows?

The week before Maggie was born, my obstetrician made an offhanded comment about "when you have the next one."

"Do you know how old I am?" I asked, knowing that she did. I had been her patient for 20 years.

"You can safely have a child up to at least age 48," she said. "Plus, now your pump has been primed."

Hmm.

Even when she removed my left Fallopian tube at the time of my C-section (seeing as it had a huge mass attached to it), my obstetrician said, "You only need one to have another baby."

Now, I'm happy to be alive and all. And, of course, we are thrilled beyond words by our little daughter. But I do have some sadness about knowing I'll never again carry a child.

I loved being pregnant. Loved it. Every stage of the pregnancy was a wonder ... every milestone passed a celebration. The first trimester was filled with excitement and disbelief. Was this really happening? We were going to have a baby!

The second trimester was fun because I was clearly pregnant (and not just sporting a brand new beer belly), but not too pregnant. The second trimester is the cute stage of pregnancy, where you can wear maternity clothes but you don't yet have the swollen ankles or discomfort. 

But the third trimester is fun, too, because then the baby is starting to kick and move. You can not only feel it, you can actually see it. I would lay on my back for an hour at a time, just watching my tummy roll from side to side. Fascinating!

Growing a baby from scratch, inside me, is far and away the coolest thing I've ever done. And even though I never got to experience labor or natural childbirth -- I don't even know what a contraction feels like -- I am so grateful that I got to experience 37 amazing weeks of pregnancy. Such a gift!

So when I see a cute pregnant woman out in public, or hear of friends who are newly pregnant and giddy with excitement, I feel a slight twinge of jealousy, knowing I'll never be pregnant again.

Then I feel a pang of guilt for being jealous when I was fortunate enough to be able to have one successful pregnancy. Not to mention a more delightful child than I ever could have dreamed.

And now I totally get why moms go nuts over new babies. I go nuts over them now too! Holding a newborn triggers something inside me that didn't exist before I had a baby of my own. Like human crack, these little ones are.

I've discovered a remedy, though, for this pregnancy jealousy, this occasional baby fever: looking at my own child. When I see, touch, and smell her, any longing melts away. Another fix? Making a gratitude list. My husband, dogs, cats, family, and friends are always on it, and I realize how full my life is. 

So, cute pregnant lady, when we check you out in public, we're not thinking about how enormous you are, we're thinking about how adorable you look, and how much excitement is waiting for you right around the corner. 

Enjoy it.


Images via Brooke Kelly Photography

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PAmom... PAmommy32

You are such a wonderful positive person; I enjoy all of your posts.  I am currently 7 months pregnant and have not been enjoying  the pregnancy.   I feel huge, my almost 3 year old seems to be going crazy and my husband is gone a lot for work.  We are all healthy, though, and I am gratful for that.  Thank you for this post, it is a reminder to me that life is a blessing and I need to stop and smell the roses more often.

zombi... zombiemommy916

I am...I'll never be pregnant again, due to a inevitable hysterectomy after my January due date...so I am truly enjoying every second of my pregnancy...I absolutely love it :)

nonmember avatar Mae

You're not alone--I feel the same way; due to a nasty staph infection I had to have an emergency "TAH" or total abdominal hysterectomy at 33 along with removal of my ovaries. This was exactly 7 days after delivering my son via c-section. I feel the loss of not being able to carry another child every day, and yes, sometimes jealousy or more likely, resentment towards pregnant ladies will well up inside me. It's a wistful longing that can never be sated, a hole that can never be filled, a dream never realized. You're not alone and I appreciate the article.

femal... femaleMIKE

I went through the feelings of being jealous of pregnant women as well.  It didn't go away until 2 weeks ago, when I found out I was finally pregnant. 


I am infertile.  We have gone through years (on and off) of different treatments. 

SuzyB... SuzyBarno

I think it's totally normal for you to have these feelings. You are a woman and your mind and body might want another baby but knowing you can't have a biological child gives you that pang of jealosy. It's totally ok. Just don't take it out on your pregnant friends, it's not their fault. I had a friend who stopped being friends with me each time i got pregnant. Her and her hubby had a hard time and it was his fertility that was not working. Hurts.

mzbla... mzblack22

I was terrified of pregnancy.  Absolutely unsure about the whole thing, queasy, and freaked.  Every time I saw a pregnant woman, I thought, "Poor thing, thank God that's not me."  But then when I got pregnant, I was thrilled and happy. Yes, it's a miracle and amazing - anyone who gets to be pregnant, even once, has been blessed!  

OKgirl OKgirl

I have three weeks left in my pregnancy. I am huge, uncomfortable and miserable. Thank you for this. I needed to read it and adjust my attitude.

Lesley Rae King

I think I understand this from many angles. We went through almost 4 years of fertility treatments before conceiving our twins. During this time, I actually threw books across the room upon hearing someone was pregnant. A good friend shut me out when she got pregnant before me, because she didn't know how to act around me. Now we have our IVF twins, another (naturally-conceived) baby, and another natural one on the way. But, now I have my older sister who had a miscarriage just a month before being diagnosed with leukemia. She seems to have beat the cancer, but the chemo and radiation has left her infertile. I know she is jealous or resentful or something.... I also have a friend who really wanted to have 4 or 5 kids, but she didn't get married until she was 40. She has one son, but has also had several miscarriages and now, at 45, she has been told that her ovaries have shut down and she won't be able to have any more. I know she also feels a pang of ... something. That's how we are. It's normal.

Jamie Lechner

I experienced a miscarriage after a car accident with my first pregnancy. After that, I hated hearing about people I knew expecting. It was painful. During my pregnancy with my son, I was terrified of losing him and unable to enjoy my pregnancy which I regret. During my pregnancy with my daughter I was hospitalized nuerous times and had a laundry list of conditions that ended with an induction when my kidneys shut down. I never intended to have any more after that scare. Then I found out I was expecting this year and I have already been in the hospital twice as well as on 7 prescription medications to keep me (hopefully) out yet again.
I am terribly jealous, envious and angry towards all of the people I know and love that have beautiful NORMAL pregnancies that they are able to enjoy. After this one is born, i'm getting the essure as my family has a scarring condition and a hysterectomy would be incredibly hard on my body.

I love your message and your honesty. I can relate to so much of it over the years. Don't forget, though, that there are so many kids in foster care and up for adoption that need love out there :) 

Patti Hughes

I totally understand ~ and then you get Grandchildren <3

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