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The Most Disgusting, Uncomfortable, Humiliating Pregnancy Side Effect of All Time

by Linda Sharps on November 23, 2012 at 1:21 PM

The thing is, nobody REALLY tells you about the hemorrhoids. I mean, sure, you might read something in the pregnancy books about swollen blood vessels, but there's nothing that truly prepares you for the day you go to the bathroom and make the Awful Discovery: somehow, you have a tiny balloon protruding from your butt. Possibly there's more than one. Possibly the entire colorful helium-filled cast of Up is suddenly emerging down there, because your body is a precious vessel carrying the miracle of life which apparently includes all sorts of unwanted things peeping out of your asshole.

"Soak your bottom in a warm tub!" the books say. "Apply an ice pack!" What they don't say is 1) putting an ice pack on your sphincter is seriously unpleasant, and 2) things are only going to get worse. Much, MUCH worse.

The problem is that hemorrhoids are often brought on by having … ah, a Difficult Number Two. Of course, your entire gastrointestinal system has nearly ground to a halt in order for your fetus to more efficiently leech nutrients from your system, so pretty much every bathroom visit necessitates a fair amount of effort, which only results in more ass-balloons, and on and on it goes.

Eventually, you may be desperate enough to find yourself at a drugstore in order to make the most awkward purchase of all time. There you stand, lumberingly pregnant, while a tube of Preparation H and a container of Tuck’s Medicated Pads with Soothing Witch Hazel roll sadly across the checkout counter conveyor belt.

"YES, I HAVE ENGORGED ANAL TISSUE," you may as well be shouting. "BEHOLD THE MAJESTY OF MY ASSHOLE, WHICH SURELY RESEMBLES THE NIGHTMARISH HIND END OF AN INFLAMED AFRICAN GUINEA BABOON!"

Perhaps you will assume the entire Horrifying State of Affairs will improve after childbirth. Au contraire, Pierre. If you have a C-section, you will discover that your intestines will be utterly traumatized from the procedure, which involves removing all of your internal organs, setting them aflame, and briefly juggling them for the entertainment of the medical staff before returning them to your body. At least, that's what it will feel like the first time you try and poop.

Between the intestinal PTSD and the ass-corking complications brought on from narcotic pain medications, this is the soundtrack of the emotional reaction you will have every time you go to the bathroom:

This video can not be viewed on The Stir Mobile.


Eventually, of course, the terrible situation happening in your rectal area will improve. Which is good news, because now you must turn your attention to someone else’s butt and the contents thereof. Welcome to parenthood! Luckily, the last smears of your dignity have long been wiped away.

It's okay, you're among friends here: were you shocked/horrified by hemmorhoids during your pregnancy?

Image via Amazon

Filed Under: pregnancy symptoms

Comments

40
  • MomLi...
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    MomLily67

    November 23, 2012 at 1:48 PM

    It feels horrible... just horrible, Ithought  I had erased the memories, but no, I can still feel it!!!!

     


  • SuzyB...
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    SuzyBarno

    November 23, 2012 at 1:55 PM
    It's funny you mention the c section thing because I never got a hemmorhoid during my pregnancy but you can bet I did after my c section! Very strange! I don't think they ever truely go away. I have one and if I am ever sick or something, it's back!!!!!
  • Jespren
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    Jespren

    November 23, 2012 at 2:08 PM
    Seriously? I know you meant this to be off hand funny, but it's just trying too hard and comes off as ridiculous. Hemmoriods aren't that bad, buying meds for it (if they ever get that bad to begin with) isn't embarassing (why in the world would it be?? You're not six) constipation during pregnancy is almost always easily managed by diet, and, besides, there are a host of worst side effects that *could* crop up. (Not to mention hemmoroids are hardly unique to pregnancy).
  • Anna...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Anna Potts

    November 23, 2012 at 2:18 PM

    i never had them and i delivered vaginally but maybe because im young and only pushed for 23 mins is it really all that common?


  • Nicol...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Nicole Jordan

    November 23, 2012 at 2:28 PM
    Oh Linda!!! You made me laugh so hard I got a few new ones.
  • Evaly...
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    EvalynCarnate

    November 23, 2012 at 2:36 PM

    I've only had to deal with my husband having the Hemis. I luckily made it through both pregnancies w/o these little bastards but this post was hilarious. 


  • LadyDIN
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    LadyDIN

    November 23, 2012 at 3:03 PM

    Thanks to my HUGE baby, I have had the worst Hems. I was just glad when they stopped bleeding and pooing became less traumatic than passing glass the wrong way. After that I can't care about the butt "balloons".


  • stace...
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    stacey541

    November 23, 2012 at 3:09 PM

    I was lucky during my first I didn't get any-but when I got pregnant 6 mo later with my heffer of a son I got them...I was so terrified to poo after giving birth I popped stool softeners like they were candy.


  • Misty...
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    Misty.Dawn

    November 23, 2012 at 3:40 PM
    this article was funny :) i somehow managed to avoid them while pregnant
  • Tempe...
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    TempestRayne

    November 23, 2012 at 3:41 PM
    I thought you were going to talk about damaged bladders an urine leakage. Much more embarrassing.
1-10 of 40 comments

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