The thing is, nobody REALLY tells you about the hemorrhoids. I mean, sure, you might read something in the pregnancy books about swollen blood vessels, but there's nothing that truly prepares you for the day you go to the bathroom and make the Awful Discovery: somehow, you have a tiny balloon protruding from your butt. Possibly there's more than one. Possibly the entire colorful helium-filled cast of Up is suddenly emerging down there, because your body is a precious vessel carrying the miracle of life which apparently includes all sorts of unwanted things peeping out of your asshole.
"Soak your bottom in a warm tub!" the books say. "Apply an ice pack!" What they don't say is 1) putting an ice pack on your sphincter is seriously unpleasant, and 2) things are only going to get worse. Much, MUCH worse.
The problem is that hemorrhoids are often brought on by having … ah, a Difficult Number Two. Of course, your entire gastrointestinal system has nearly ground to a halt in order for your fetus to more efficiently leech nutrients from your system, so pretty much every bathroom visit necessitates a fair amount of effort, which only results in more ass-balloons, and on and on it goes.
Eventually, you may be desperate enough to find yourself at a drugstore in order to make the most awkward purchase of all time. There you stand, lumberingly pregnant, while a tube of Preparation H and a container of Tuck’s Medicated Pads with Soothing Witch Hazel roll sadly across the checkout counter conveyor belt.
"YES, I HAVE ENGORGED ANAL TISSUE," you may as well be shouting. "BEHOLD THE MAJESTY OF MY ASSHOLE, WHICH SURELY RESEMBLES THE NIGHTMARISH HIND END OF AN INFLAMED AFRICAN GUINEA BABOON!"
Perhaps you will assume the entire Horrifying State of Affairs will improve after childbirth. Au contraire, Pierre. If you have a C-section, you will discover that your intestines will be utterly traumatized from the procedure, which involves removing all of your internal organs, setting them aflame, and briefly juggling them for the entertainment of the medical staff before returning them to your body. At least, that's what it will feel like the first time you try and poop.
Between the intestinal PTSD and the ass-corking complications brought on from narcotic pain medications, this is the soundtrack of the emotional reaction you will have every time you go to the bathroom:
Eventually, of course, the terrible situation happening in your rectal area will improve. Which is good news, because now you must turn your attention to someone else’s butt and the contents thereof. Welcome to parenthood! Luckily, the last smears of your dignity have long been wiped away.
It's okay, you're among friends here: were you shocked/horrified by hemmorhoids during your pregnancy?
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