We've talked about some of the things you should never say to a pregnant woman ("Are you sure it isn't twins?") or do to a pregnant woman (touch her belly without asking). But I'm not sure if we've covered the Hallmark pregnancy etiquette territory before.

This is important stuff, you guys, because while it's surely a nice gesture to send a card as a formal congratulations to your knocked-up friend, there are SO MANY WAYS it can go wrong.

A card can say many things -- I'm thinking of you, I'm happy for you, I'm thrilled to hear your news -- but it can also say things like "I like to imagine you having sex" or "you sure are putting on the pounds." Check out these 8 examples of cards you should never, ever send to any pregnant woman, unless you secretly hate her:

 

 

 


Etsy
Congratulations on growing a new life form, or, like, forgetting your pill. Whatever. Slut. 



Outblush
Enjoy your pregnancy! Here's a picture of one of the 80 million things people will judge you for eating.



123 Greetings
Yeah, Mommy. After the "li'l" one comes, life as you know it is going straight in the shitter. It's pretty much going to be like Guantanamo Bay, only worse. Anyway, take care! DON'T FORGET TO RELAX.



Le Bon Bon
Congratulations on your happy news! For a good time, try comparing your body to this drawing.



Hallmark
Anal! Just kidding, we know it wasn't anal. Not this time, anyway. Tee-hee!



Zazzle
Happy Mystical Water Lily Sperm Fairies day!



Vintage Script Press
Please accept my respectful, heartfelt congratulations on what is sure to be a magical and spiritual journey towards an amazing new stage in your life. PS: This is totally how I picture the moment of conception.



Diamantespace.com
You know that eating for two thing is a myth, right? No, but really, you look great.


Did you ever get a tacky card when you were pregnant?