The following was written minutes after I was told that I had lost my third pregnancy. I was on the way to pick up my youngest child from preschool and I had to regain my composure before I got there. I was hyperventilating and crying so hard that I thought I would die. My world was crashing down around me. My husband was an hour-and-a-half away in another state and I was completely alone. The only way I could survive the initial devastation was to write down my feelings in the notes section of my iPhone -- and cry harder and more animalistically than I had ever done before.
Cry~ I want to scream but I can’t. I can barely think. All I can do is cry.
This unexpected blessing that shocked me when I first saw the two lines, this baby that I didn't deserve is now gone.
I can't breathe. I can't think. All I can do is cry.
I went in this morning because I was spotting; no cramps, no heavy bleeding; nothing. I expected everything to be ok. It wasn't. It isn’t. I don't know if it ever will be again.
I can't eat. I can't sleep. All I can do is cry.
We had only told a very few people, not even our little girls who have been begging for a baby brother or sister.
I'm always afraid. Always afraid that I'll say something too soon and something bad will happen. My sister lost a baby at 9 weeks. I am 10 weeks and 4 days, I thought I was safe. I wasn't. The ultrasound showed 9 weeks and 2 days. That's when our baby died.
I can't speak. I can't be. All I can do is cry.
It feels like all the wind has been knocked out of me. I feel numb. I want to crawl up inside myself and be still and never move again.
I can't bear the thought of people looking at me with pity. The thought of people trying to talk or understand my pain away weighs me like an anchor around my neck. Just let me be. Let me feel this enormous loss.
My baby was a promise for something better. The promise has been broken and I feel empty. I feel betrayed and let down by life.
I can't talk. I can't breathe. All I can do is cry.
While you are reading this, I will be at the hospital having a D & E because the thought of walking around with my dead baby inside me while waiting for it to pass on its own is too much to bear right now.
I appreciate your love, prayers and support and I was hoping to be sharing with you our pregnancy this month, instead I'm sharing my loss. It's the only way I know how to move through my pain…to write it down.
I believe that there is reason for everything and that God has a divine plan for us all, but right now, today my heart is breaking and I feel like my body has completely failed me.
All I can do is cry.
This post went live on my own blog, The TRUTH about Motherhood, May 1, 2012, the following morning, as I was at the hospital having my D & E. It was the worst day of my life. I am sharing it during National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month with the hope that people understand how deeply this type of loss affects the mothers and fathers of these children who go to heaven way too soon.
Image via HidingHeart/Flickr