The Moments After a Miscarriage: A Mom Shares Her Sadness

Heartbreaking 17

woman cryingThe following was written minutes after I was told that I had lost my third pregnancy. I was on the way to pick up my youngest child from preschool and I had to regain my composure before I got there. I was hyperventilating and crying so hard that I thought I would die. My world was crashing down around me. My husband was an hour-and-a-half away in another state and I was completely alone. The only way I could survive the initial devastation was to write down my feelings in the notes section of my iPhone -- and cry harder and more animalistically than I had ever done before.

Cry~ I want to scream but I can’t. I can barely think. All I can do is cry.

This unexpected blessing that shocked me when I first saw the two lines, this baby that I didn't deserve is now gone.

I can't breathe. I can't think. All I can do is cry.

I went in this morning because I was spotting; no cramps, no heavy bleeding; nothing. I expected everything to be ok. It wasn't. It isn’t. I don't know if it ever will be again.

I can't eat. I can't sleep. All I can do is cry.

We had only told a very few people, not even our little girls who have been begging for a baby brother or sister.

I'm always afraid. Always afraid that I'll say something too soon and something bad will happen. My sister lost a baby at 9 weeks. I am 10 weeks and 4 days, I thought I was safe. I wasn't. The ultrasound showed 9 weeks and 2 days. That's when our baby died.

I can't speak. I can't be. All I can do is cry.

It feels like all the wind has been knocked out of me. I feel numb. I want to crawl up inside myself and be still and never move again.

I can't bear the thought of people looking at me with pity. The thought of people trying to talk or understand my pain away weighs me like an anchor around my neck. Just let me be. Let me feel this enormous loss.

My baby was a promise for something better. The promise has been broken and I feel empty. I feel betrayed and let down by life.

I can't talk. I can't breathe. All I can do is cry.

While you are reading this, I will be at the hospital having a D & E because the thought of walking around with my dead baby inside me while waiting for it to pass on its own is too much to bear right now.

I appreciate your love, prayers and support and I was hoping to be sharing with you our pregnancy this month, instead I'm sharing my loss. It's the only way I know how to move through my pain…to write it down.

I believe that there is reason for everything and that God has a divine plan for us all, but right now, today my heart is breaking and I feel like my body has completely failed me.

All I can do is cry.

This post went live on my own blog, The TRUTH about Motherhood, May 1, 2012, the following morning, as I was at the hospital having my D & E. It was the worst day of my life. I am sharing it during National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month with the hope that people understand how deeply this type of loss affects the mothers and fathers of these children who go to heaven way too soon.

 

Image via HidingHeart/Flickr

miscarriage & loss

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purvi... purvislets

This sounds like something that I could have written 4-1/2 years ago.  The pain was unbearable and the hurt has never fully gone away.  Our sweet baby was supposed to be 8 weeks or so, but was measuring almost 2 weeks behind with a very low heart rate over two appointments before their heart finally gave out.  It was (is) devastating beyond words and my heart has never fully recovered.  Tomorrow (10/13) will be the fourth anniversary of the due date that never became a birthday.  I'm thankful that this date falls during National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month because knowing that I'm not alone in this pain really helps me get through it.


Thank you so much for sharing your story!

zombi... zombiemommy916

I know paralyzing grief all too well and while I understand how little a difference words can make, I am so deeply sorry that you had to go through that....one minute, the world is full of color and everything is right and the next, it's grey and all wrong...I hope and wish that the color is returning for you...and thank you for your braveness in sharing this with all of us...

fleur... fleurdelys3110

I'm so sorry, Deborah. Thank you for sharing this with us to raise awareness. I have never been pregnant, so I don't know what it feel like to lose a baby, but you, and every other woman who has suffered a miscarriage should know that its not your fault. This is beyond anyone's control, and it saddens me to know that there are millions of women out there who blame themselves for this terrible loss.

Venae Venae

I just had a weird feeling about my 2nd pregnancy - I wasn't sick at all and I just felt...strange.  I couldn't shake the feeling.  I lost the baby at 7 weeks - praying I'd make it home from the restaurant before what I knew was going to happen did so.  Even though I knew (subconsciously?) that things weren't right, it was still so sad.  I am very sorry to hear about your baby.

all4H... all4Him999

I've suffered three mc, but I now have three perfectly healthy children. I still think of all 6 of my kids on Mother's Day and it's been 5 years since my last mc.

wamom223 wamom223

Thanks for sharing this with us Deborah.  I have never lost a baby but have problems with fertility and its so hard when someone says they know how you feel, when you know they don't.  So I will say I can't imagine how that felt but now because of what you were brave enough to write I feel like I have some idea of what its like.  I am so sorry you had to go through this but I'm so happy you shared a personal moment with us so we can better handle it if we know someone who's going through it.

babyg... babygonzales08

Unfortunately, I know this pain as well. It is unfair that any of us have to go through this. My sweet baby should've been 12 weeks, but was only measuring 7, and no heartbeat. My husband and I were devastated. We now have two beautiful boys. I will never forget about my beautiful angel baby.

SaphireH SaphireH

Its a feeling I wish I had never felt and that no one should ever feel. With my last pregnancy I went in at 8 weeks to comfirm that I was indeed pregnant and they did a vaginal ultra sound and it showed my healthy lil lamb heart beating and all and then the more the tech looked around to make sure everything was good she found an empty sac that showed I had twins but the twin had stopped growing at 6 weeks. I was shocked at first and just didn't react but the next day it all hit me and I just broke down crying, sure I had my one healthy baby still growing but I felt empty. I hated how bad it hurt and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

Jennifer Ives O'Meara

Thank you for sharing, your pain is not alone. I should be 16 weeks into my 3rd pregnancy, but I am not. I went in for an ultrasound in the 14th week, midwife couldn't find a heartbeat, after finding it at 10 weeks.  I was alone too, oldest was at preschool, husband an hour away at work, youngest with grandparents when they told me my baby had stopped growing at 10w 5days. Worst feeling in my life, I yelled at the ultrasound tech, & called her a liar, she just hugged me, this stranger just sat there & hugged me for what felt like hours, telling me it wasn't my fault, it just wasn't meant to be, can she call someone for me? The shock was enormous, no pain, no bleeding, no warning signs, low risk pregnancy, and here I was, THAT woman you only read about, that statistic.

Jennifer Ives O'Meara

 My midwife told me to just let it pass naturally, I told her to politely fuck off, I would not mc a child, alone in my home with my other 2 babies while my husband was working. I had the dnc 4 days later. The last 2 weeks have been a blur, and have been hard.   I am fortunate to have my family, especially my husband, he has been very understanding even after my drunken meltdown last weekend when I blamed everyone in the world for my pain. Bad move drinking, but I just needed it. I still haven't told a lot of people, I'm tired of crying, and attempting to carry on. I just started my old routine of vitamins & exercise (something I did while pregnant to ensure good health for baby, HA) but I know that if I continue on that path, eventually my outside will match inside & I will feel better. I am so sorry you & I are now members of this terrible fucking club, about the only thing I can share is that you are not alone, in all your thoughts.

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