Are pregnant women who create birth plans acting out of selfishness? This is the theory posed by a blogger at Femina, who writes that women who plan out the details of their birth are using it as "just one more opportunity to become a self-absorbed fusser.”
I have to say, I don't disagree with all of her post. I don't share her Christian point of view, so I can't identify with that -- but the idea that some women get overly obsessed with the machinations of birth rather than the end result ... well, I think that can be true.
However, the idea of dismissing a woman's right to have choices about how she gives birth, in the name of advocating complacent gratitude? Oh hell no.
Some birth plans are simple: have healthy baby. Some are complex: light lemongrass candle, play Enya CD, warm birthing tub to 90 degrees Fahrenheit, refrain from wearing the color red as that represents emotional intensity. I never felt the need to come up with a complicated birth plan, and as it turns out, it was a good thing I didn't -- because my first birth went NOTHING like I expected.
That's the thing with birth plans, really. All the details of what you want to happen, well, when it comes to having a baby, being empowered doesn't mean being in complete control. All the candles and doulas in the world won't stop you from having an emergency C-section if that's what's necessary for the safety of your child.
The whole issue gets clouded by the fact that many believe that being empowered will prevent interventions or unwanted consequences, and I'm sure in some cases that's true. With our country's C-section rate at 34 percent, there's clearly something to be said for being informed before giving birth. Plus, women have every right to do what they can to try and have the birthing experience they desire -- that's their medical right, or at least it should be.
Here's what the blogger writes:
Recently I’ve been noticing what I might call a mom-zilla counterpart to the bride-zilla. Have you ever noticed how much fussing goes on about childbirth? Blogs and Facebook posts are crowded with women fussing about “their day” of giving birth. It must be just so, and how dare anyone give birth or expect a woman to give birth in such a manner as to interfere with the perfect surroundings?
I’ve seen fussing about doctors, about hospitals, about tubs or lack of tubs, about midwives or lack of midwives, about pain-killers, and monitors. You would think it was the prom rather than bringing forth a child. It is just one more opportunity to become a self-absorbed fusser. And some women get to fuss over and over and over with each child. At least Bride-zilla just has one opportunity.
Childbirth has become quite the controversial topic, and women can become dictatorial about what they want, even to the point of demanding that other women want the same things.
I would hardly call a woman with a birth plan a "fusser," and I'm not sure how it's any different to criticize that approach to giving birth than it is to criticize someone for choosing to have their baby in a hospital instead of at home.
The part I can agree with is that sometimes we can get too hung up on having a picture-perfect birth, and if things don't work out, then we feel unnecessarily sad afterwards, even if we have a healthy baby as a result. But honestly, those can be real feelings that are hard to deny. I mean, I was disappointed after my high blood pressure led to a surprise C-section at 37 weeks, and I didn't even HAVE a plan.
At the end of the day, women should be supported in their birth choices. What might seem "fussy" to one person could be mission-critical to another, and who are we to say any different?
What do you think about the idea that birth plans are "self-absorbed"?
Image via David Swift Photography/Flickr
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Comments 34
This is one of my biggest pet peeves... I'll admit it. Something inside me twitches when I hear a woman say "I never got to have the birth I wanted." As someone who is infertile, I want to scream... "but you got the BABY, right?!"
If I could have a baby, I wouldn't care if it came out of my ear.
It's not self absorbed to have a birth plan, we need to know ourselves, what we want and set up an environment that enables us to endure difficulty to have what we are hoping for.
Many hospitals do NOT provide the ideal environment for enabling MOM to labor through child birth.
However, thinking you can control your labor and everything that happens down to the last detail, that probably is self absorbed. It is not based in reality, I think mostly only first time moms fall into this trap, I did.
I won't lie, after my son was born via emergency csection, I was disappointed. I felt like I let myself down, and my body let me down. It was my first time and I had expected a movie-like birth. I'd had no prior complications (much less symptoms) so I made this plan and assumed it would go exactly to a T. I thought it'd be a walk in the park. I was super wrong. Now, I am pregnant with our second child (a baby girl) and I realize how disgustingly selfish I was being and I hate that. I haven't thought twice about another csection and this time I'm going in with no preconceived notions of how birth is 'supposed to be.' I hate birth plans because they're simply that, a PLAN and hey, plans change. They're fine if you're willing to roll with the punches but many women demand things a certain way and that's when disappointment sets in. They do become super self absorbed and stop thinking about what's safe. I know, because I was one of them. Ugh, makes me mad with myself just typing it out.
My Birth Plan was simple, and indicated, barring an emergency, my preference for intervention (or lack thereof). And it was followed to a "T". Made for a stress-free environment for me, which was much-appreciated.
I am very much a planner. I like to have things written down, it calms me. To have my birth plan in writing was very reassuring to me, even though very little actually went according to that plan (natural childbirth turned into Pitocin induced and eventually an epidural). But what was important was that little baby I got at the end of it all. I got to nurse him right away, like I wanted, and spent much of my laboring in the tub. I don't think it's selfish to want to be comfortable.
My birth plan called for things that weren't standard policy but were still considered safe and I wanted to make sure that everyone knew our wishes. It wasn't some long and involved thing in which I wanted the contractions and pain refered to by other names or some such nonsense but rather a single page of things like "delay cord clamping" and "please do not offer pain medication" and "thank you for your consideration and help on this wonderful day". There is a right way and a wrong way to write a birth plan. It is not at all self-absorbed as some practices are not evidence based and even, in some cases (like the use of cytotec for labor induction), dangerous.