There's something so indescribably wonderful about those first days after you learn you're pregnant, don't you think? It's like walking around with a glowing secret inside your body -- no one else knows yet, but you're in the midst of a magical process that will utterly transform your life forever after.

Of course, shortly after basking in your newfound status as mama-to-be, it's time to get down to the serious business of adhering to the many guidelines for having a safe and healthy pregnancy. The good news is that there are SO MANY OF THEM nowadays! The bad news is that THEY ALL CONFLICT EACH OTHER.

Don't believe me? Here's a list of recent migraine-inducing pregnancy recommendations, in all their confusing glory:

 

 

Eat more salmon! The omega-3 fatty acids are crucial for early fetal development. 

No, don't eat salmon! Salmon lowers levels of secretory immunoglobulin-A -- an important antibody that protects newborns against infection -- in breastmilk.

Actually ... maybe you just shouldn't eat fish, period. AHHHH MERCURY.

Either way, for god's sake, don't eat too much. Pigging out during pregnancy will totally make you fat, and we all know that's worse than DEATH.

In fact, you should diet. If you're pregnant and obese, you need a dietary intervention.

But if you do diet, know that you're harming your pregnancy. God, you're selfish. It isn't all about you, you know.

Make sure to keep exercising. It's so good for you!

But don't actually work up a sweat. Thinking of going for a jog? You could have a miscarriage.

Maybe you should just go for a swim. Swimming is basically perfect.

Or ... not. Swimming is also fraught with hidden dangers.

Yoga's cool, though. Especially for fighting depression. 

Well, except for all those dangerous poses. Like squatting, sitting cross-legged, balancing, lying on your back, inversions, twists ...

Get a flu shot. The flu is dangerous, the vaccine is fine.

No, just wash your hands a lot instead. DON'T BUY INTO BIG PHARMA.

Go ahead, have a drink! Moderate drinking is FINE.

Fine for people who want to DAMAGE THEIR CHILD, that is. The only good alcoholic beverage during pregnancy is a NONEXISTANT ONE.

Coffee is safe. No need to cut back on the morning joe!

Of course, the less you consume, the better. Avoidance is your safest bet ... unless you LIKE tempting fate.

Definitely keep working throughout your pregnancy. Research shows it can be helpful!

Just know that working late in pregnancy reduces fetal growth, among other things. Apparently it's just as dangerous as smoking. Hope you didn't need that paycheck.

Lastly, for the love of god, do NOT get stressed. Seriously. Don't. JUST DON'T OKAY? CALM DOWN RIGHT THIS MINUTE OH MY GOD YOUR BABY!!!! 

There, I hope I cleared some things up for you. Enjoy your happy, healthy, stress-free pregnancy!

Do you ever get frustrated by conflicting pregnancy guidelines?

Image via Mahalie/Flickr