How much did you think about not having children before you became a parent? A philosophy professor asks that question today in the New York Times. Christine Overall wonders why having children is the default option -- but if a couple decides not to have children they have to explain themselves.
In fact, people are still expected to provide reasons not to have children, but no reasons are required to have them. It's assumed that if individuals do not have children it is because they are infertile, too selfish or have just not gotten around to it.
Maybe, if anything, choosing to have children is the selfish option -- especially if you're not considering the impact your children will have on the rest of the world. I think Overall has a point.
Parenthood is known as an unselfish practice. Once you become a parent you are forced to sacrifice your time, energy, and money. No doubt about it. But why do we have children in the first place?
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I think a lot of us have kids just because... well... we want to. It's something we want to experience. We're enchanted by babies. We want to see what kind of kids we'll make as a couple. We think it sounds fun, like an adventure. And like it or not, these are selfish reasons.
When I was thinking about having a child I actually did sit with the idea of not being a parent. What would that be like? Would I be happy? Does the world really need another kid around? Especially one with my genes? IT DOESN'T -- And I'm not saying that to be self-effacing. There just aren't very many of us so marvelous that the world demands a duplicate or two or three. Most of us are just okay human beings.
I'm serious about that. Every time I hear someone say they're hoping to make the world a better place by "raising a child the right way" I want to throw my head back and howl. Oh the arrogance!
I think we have kids for selfish reasons -- but I think that's okay. A selfish gesture leads to a lifetime of unselfishness. We learn a lot of tough lessons the hard way. We try to leave the world a better place in spite of our "breeding." But before starting a family I still think it's a good idea to stop and think about what you're about to unleash upon the rest of humanity. Because when we have kids we really do change the world -- and in a way that's not entirely under our control.
Those of you who are parents, did you contemplate the idea of not having kids before you finally decided to have them?
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Comments 87
Having children is the most selfish and selfless thing you can do at the same damn time!
Um, I didnt have children because I am selfish, I wanted to have a baby because I love my partner and I thought we wouldmake great parents. Also, I wanted to take care of somewhere and show them what a beautiful world it is we live in. I am definitly NOT selfish for wanting a child, and I know I am not after I had them because I dedicate my entire life to them, all day!
Oh dear. People have children because we have the instincts to procreate or else we'd become extinct. End of story.
JAFE-- I noticed that too. It's been gone for a while.
Susan Paulter - If you don't want children, don't get married?
I am mindfuhct. I can't believe someone in the 21st century and not in some backward bunghole of society (as evidenced by your profile and even the fact you log into the Internet) would say something like that.
I have always found the idea that you can have 1 or 2 kids, just enough to replace yourself and your partner, to be pretty arbitrary. First, you don't know if those kids will live to adulthood, if they will reproduce, etc. So it's impossible to predict how those kids will impact the environment. If you have a sister and she doesn't want kids, does that mean you're entitled to have an extra one if you want to? Personally I agree with the basic idea that people should DECIDE that they want kids, and those who don't want kids shouldn't have them. I know plenty of people who got knocked up and resented their kids later. I know lots of people have kids and don't even think about why they're doing it. In general, having kids is somewhat selfish, but society needs more kids from decent families who can take care of them. Some countries, like Russia, have dwindling populations and the government even gives incentives for families to have more kids. By the way my father is a doctor and heard lots of young parents say they had kids to get welfare. Unfortunately, the people who shouldn't have kids don't really give it much thought. Those who are able to take care of their kids and provide good homes often have fewer kids because they give the situation more thought.
The fact is that if people didn't have kids human civilization would cease to exist... and, I dunno, letting society die out doesn't seem very good for, um, society...
@prplecat, EXACTLY! I'm so tired of the notion that being selfish is WRONG. To live to make yourself happy is not wrong. It doesn't mean that you are doing it at the expense of others, either. Having children is selfish, yes, because it makes us happy! Aren't they considered the biggest joy of our lives? So it is very selfish and at the same time causes us to be unselfish, which can sometimes make moms feel trapped and sad. But, we always say that it's worth it because they make us happy at the end of the day. Just another clue that leading a totally selfless life is not fulfilling. If you object and say, oh no it IS fulfilling, then you prove my point. You are doing selfless things because it MAKES YOU HAPPY, which is the definition of selfishness. And that's fine!!!!! Yes, I'm a huge Ayn Rand follower....haha! Sorry, I just can't stand to read about how selfishness is wrong! Excuse my rant, I only try to help people see that selfishness isn't wrong, so stop feeling guilty about living for yourself.