How much did you think about not having children before you became a parent? A philosophy professor asks that question today in the New York Times. Christine Overall wonders why having children is the default option -- but if a couple decides not to have children they have to explain themselves.
In fact, people are still expected to provide reasons not to have children, but no reasons are required to have them. It's assumed that if individuals do not have children it is because they are infertile, too selfish or have just not gotten around to it.
Maybe, if anything, choosing to have children is the selfish option -- especially if you're not considering the impact your children will have on the rest of the world. I think Overall has a point.
Parenthood is known as an unselfish practice. Once you become a parent you are forced to sacrifice your time, energy, and money. No doubt about it. But why do we have children in the first place?
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I think a lot of us have kids just because... well... we want to. It's something we want to experience. We're enchanted by babies. We want to see what kind of kids we'll make as a couple. We think it sounds fun, like an adventure. And like it or not, these are selfish reasons.
When I was thinking about having a child I actually did sit with the idea of not being a parent. What would that be like? Would I be happy? Does the world really need another kid around? Especially one with my genes? IT DOESN'T -- And I'm not saying that to be self-effacing. There just aren't very many of us so marvelous that the world demands a duplicate or two or three. Most of us are just okay human beings.
I'm serious about that. Every time I hear someone say they're hoping to make the world a better place by "raising a child the right way" I want to throw my head back and howl. Oh the arrogance!
I think we have kids for selfish reasons -- but I think that's okay. A selfish gesture leads to a lifetime of unselfishness. We learn a lot of tough lessons the hard way. We try to leave the world a better place in spite of our "breeding." But before starting a family I still think it's a good idea to stop and think about what you're about to unleash upon the rest of humanity. Because when we have kids we really do change the world -- and in a way that's not entirely under our control.
Those of you who are parents, did you contemplate the idea of not having kids before you finally decided to have them?
Image via sabianmaggy/Flickr
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Comments 87
I think people who have children, telling other people who don't have children that they shouldn't have children is so hypocritical and rude that i just can't stop getting upset over it. However, i do want to adopt regardless of having our own or not. So far im infertil so I don't think having children will be something we will be able to do. i have a mothering instinct, I have had it since I was young. I like the feeling of caring for children and all that it intails. Heck I don't even have to use birth control so I don't get pregnant, even though I really want to at least experience pregnancy for myself once. Some people it just might not happen, and im starting to become ok with that. Its hard, but Its just something that happens some times.
I find this article amusing only because it "turns the table". I always knew, since I was a kid, I didn't want children, and I thought nothing of it for a long time. But then, I graduated high school and went beyond age 21, and started getting bugged about having children. When I'd answer I didn't want any, I'd get all sorts of nasty replies and BINGOs. I was called names, "selfish" being the number one name. I am age 38 now, and I still don't want children despite having been married for 7 years, and I don't know how many times people (well, mostly women) have been rude to me, nasty to me, religious ya ya-ed me, treated me like some kind of freakshow, tried to psychoanalyze me about my choice that in NO WAY effects them. It doesn't feel good to have your choice called "selfish", now does it? Perhaps if parents or want to be parents had been less horrid to the childfree by choice, such articles and blogpieces as this would not be cropping up on the Internet as much as they do.
I never thought of not having kids, I always wanted them, I always wanted to be a SAHM like my mom and play with my kids and make them lunch a watch movies and raise a child, I dont see having a child as selfish at all. My son is my best friend and im going to make sure he has a great life, thats the best gift you could give anyone
My husband and I were pretty strongly on the side of not ever having kids for the first 5 years of our marriage. We weren't all that interested in it, and spent a lot of time thinking of the impact it has on the world when people have children. BUT then I got really sick, and I could have died. When I got well again, I thought about all the things I'd like to do in life, and I wanted to get going on them right away seeing as how I'd been reminded that life is short and can end at any time. Surprisingly, it became evident that I did indeed want a child or two. I can't explain it, but suddenly I was ready and very enthusiastic about it. I don't know if that makes me selfish, maybe, but it's a pretty basic biological desire in many of us to have kids. Personally, I don't ask childless people why they made that choice, and I don't fraternize with people who would ask that question. Society as a whole may be implying the question, but are there really people out there demanding to know why someone doesn't have kids? Maybe once your Nana asked you when you were going to start a family. Ok. In my experience, the childless crowd has a tendency to be much ruder, feeling compelled to make comments about my children being noisy and dirty. I promise not to judge them if they could stop judging me, mmmkay?