How much did you think about not having children before you became a parent? A philosophy professor asks that question today in the New York Times. Christine Overall wonders why having children is the default option -- but if a couple decides not to have children they have to explain themselves.
In fact, people are still expected to provide reasons not to have children, but no reasons are required to have them. It's assumed that if individuals do not have children it is because they are infertile, too selfish or have just not gotten around to it.
Maybe, if anything, choosing to have children is the selfish option -- especially if you're not considering the impact your children will have on the rest of the world. I think Overall has a point.
Parenthood is known as an unselfish practice. Once you become a parent you are forced to sacrifice your time, energy, and money. No doubt about it. But why do we have children in the first place?
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I think a lot of us have kids just because... well... we want to. It's something we want to experience. We're enchanted by babies. We want to see what kind of kids we'll make as a couple. We think it sounds fun, like an adventure. And like it or not, these are selfish reasons.
When I was thinking about having a child I actually did sit with the idea of not being a parent. What would that be like? Would I be happy? Does the world really need another kid around? Especially one with my genes? IT DOESN'T -- And I'm not saying that to be self-effacing. There just aren't very many of us so marvelous that the world demands a duplicate or two or three. Most of us are just okay human beings.
I'm serious about that. Every time I hear someone say they're hoping to make the world a better place by "raising a child the right way" I want to throw my head back and howl. Oh the arrogance!
I think we have kids for selfish reasons -- but I think that's okay. A selfish gesture leads to a lifetime of unselfishness. We learn a lot of tough lessons the hard way. We try to leave the world a better place in spite of our "breeding." But before starting a family I still think it's a good idea to stop and think about what you're about to unleash upon the rest of humanity. Because when we have kids we really do change the world -- and in a way that's not entirely under our control.
Those of you who are parents, did you contemplate the idea of not having kids before you finally decided to have them?
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Comments 87
Everything that we do...literally EVERYTHING...is self-serving in some way. We will find a way to get something out of the most generous, altruistic act, even if it is simply an excuse to pat ourselves on the back. It's human nature. People who do NOT have children because of their impact on the environment get to feel holier than thou and be ridiculously smug about their environmental conscience.
Reproducing is a human condition, an instinct. NOT having children goes against that grain. There's nothing wrong with it at all, but fighting that primal instinct to replace yourself seems odd to a lot of people. I say if you don't want them, don't have them. THAT'S the most unselfish thing you could do.
Absolutely any decision we make can be viewed as selfish, if we look at it that way. I know, for myself, I ached to be a mom... I would not have been happy not having children. I would have felt that something was missing out of my life. If that's selfish, oh well- I can live with that!
For the record, one could just as easily argue that NOT having children is irresponsible... the argument that springs to my mind is that, due to the aging baby boomer generation, we will soon have more people drawing from old age security than we will have putting in. By not having children, we are limiting the number of people paying into the system as well as the number of people available to care for all those aging boomers, which is going to be detrimental to society in the long run. I'm not saying I buy this argument- I don't. But it's at least as valid as arguing that we should stop reproducing to reduce our carbon footprint.
I'm sorry. This has nothing to do with this post but I can't find any help boxes. Where did the check box go that we used to be able to click to see our recent comments? It used to be on the upper right hand side where the "sign up for the stir daily newsletter" is right now. It's a royal pain to have to scroll through to get to our other conversations. It just changed this afternoon.
Anyone know?? Thanks and sorry again.
I FEEL, and please no one bite my head off for this, that having children is a deeply personal decision, and one that can at times be selfish. I actually met someone at a busstop who literally told me she had kids so she could get welfare -_- And I think most teen pregnancies are "born" of selfish motives, because at that age it is very hard to understand the magnitude of parenthood (I was a teen parent - twice - so if Im attacking anyone its myself)
I think perpetuation of the human race is the only reason that needs to be given for having children.
Wow Floridamom, way to be judgmental, but that's the norm for you, isn't it? Women who don't want seven kids should be deeply offended, abused women are to blame for their abuse, no one should be able to use birth control, ever have an abortion, or use formula, and oh yeah, any sort of public assistance is of the devil. It would be SO nice to have a life so perfect I could make those judgments of others.