That dumb commercial "having a baby changes everything" drives me bonkers every time it flashes onto my television screen, causing me to scream (at least, in my head), "NO SHIT SHERLOCK!"
There were a lot of things I expected going into the parenting gig -- poopy diapers, jars of creepily-colored baby food, sleepless nights. But there are a select few things I'd never, EVER stopped to consider before popping three kids out of my delicate lady-bits.
Here they are.
- I'd have to hide The Good Stuff. Yeah, you know what I mean. The last chocolate chip cookie? The rest of Mommy's Medicine (read vodka)?
- Eventually, my roly-poly, chubby-cheeked shit machines were going to morph from being a sweet puddle of baby goo into a talking, breathing person who had the capacity to TALK BACK to me.
- I was going to have to explain to my formerly roly-poly, chubby-cheeked shit machines how, in fact, Mommy got ANOTHER baby growing inside her belly.
- I was THEN going to have to explain that, no, my formerly roly-poly, chubby-cheeked shit machine, the new baby wouldn't be exiting via my belly button (bonus points for creativity, though!) and pray like hell that I didn't have to tell them how babies were born.
- I was going to have to share. Everything. Personal space. Sleeping quarters. Clothes. Money. My own dinner. It's one thing to be all, "oh, there, there, kids, sharing is AWESOME," but we, as adults, have learned the truth: sharing sucks.
- I was going to be sick. For over 18 years. Straight. Hand-washing? Not even remotely effective against kid-germs. I'm considering buying a HazMat suit, but that's mostly wishful thinking.
- I would never use the bathroom alone again. Ever. Now, even the cats join me while I take a pee.
- I'd be bored to tears by the games kids want to play. Now I know why my own mother booted me out of the house and locked the door behind me each morning -- I was boring. My kids, much as I love those little germ-factories, are too.
- If you feed 'em, they keep growing. When they grow, they need new clothes. And clothes for an 11-year old don't induce the same type of ovulating that wee newborn clothes do.
- They begin to ... smell. Like their feet smell. While I loved gnawing on my newborn baby's feet, I'm pretty sure that the odor from my 11-year old's feet could sheer paint off walls.
What do YOU wish you'd known before you had kids?
This Hot Dad Wants to Do Your Ironing
This Hot Dad Wants to Cook You Dinner
This Hot Dad Cooks AND Does the Dishes
Kanye West is Gay?! 
Comments 107
Your house will never be clean again. YOU will never be clean again. Everything will be sticky, even your car. You better hope you love cartoons, you will never watch what you want again.ever. You will never sleep again, at least not uninterrupted or without someone in your personal space, or completely worried about those little cuties, Did I hear a noise on the monitor??. Baths? Ha, not unless its with ducky and friends. Read a magazine? But dont you know they're fun to scrunch and rip the pages from? I could go on for days, and what else it does is- makes you completely insane because you will one day grow to miss ALL of these things and wish they were tiny little destructobots again. Welcome to parenthood.
I seriously don't understand the bathroom issue. My bathroom has a door. I shut it. If your bathroom doesn't have a door, maybe consider buying one.
You can close the bathroom door if you want to leave your child unattended? Or if you want to hear your toddler pounding and crying at the door? Its just easier, trust me.
This whole freakin' list is true. I would also add the NEVERENDING laundry. You think you are about to be all done and then you walk into the bathroom or one of the kids rooms and there's more.
I actually had to explain to my 3 year old where babies come from. She is 6 now, but 3 years ago people gave me dirty looks when she would walk up to strangers and say is your baby coming out your pee pee or is the doctor going to cut it out of your belly. She hasnt stopped asking the hard I dont want to answer questions either. Oh and did I mention I have 3 more just like her.