That dumb commercial "having a baby changes everything" drives me bonkers every time it flashes onto my television screen, causing me to scream (at least, in my head), "NO SHIT SHERLOCK!"
There were a lot of things I expected going into the parenting gig -- poopy diapers, jars of creepily-colored baby food, sleepless nights. But there are a select few things I'd never, EVER stopped to consider before popping three kids out of my delicate lady-bits.
Here they are.
- I'd have to hide The Good Stuff. Yeah, you know what I mean. The last chocolate chip cookie? The rest of Mommy's Medicine (read vodka)?
- Eventually, my roly-poly, chubby-cheeked shit machines were going to morph from being a sweet puddle of baby goo into a talking, breathing person who had the capacity to TALK BACK to me.
- I was going to have to explain to my formerly roly-poly, chubby-cheeked shit machines how, in fact, Mommy got ANOTHER baby growing inside her belly.
- I was THEN going to have to explain that, no, my formerly roly-poly, chubby-cheeked shit machine, the new baby wouldn't be exiting via my belly button (bonus points for creativity, though!) and pray like hell that I didn't have to tell them how babies were born.
- I was going to have to share. Everything. Personal space. Sleeping quarters. Clothes. Money. My own dinner. It's one thing to be all, "oh, there, there, kids, sharing is AWESOME," but we, as adults, have learned the truth: sharing sucks.
- I was going to be sick. For over 18 years. Straight. Hand-washing? Not even remotely effective against kid-germs. I'm considering buying a HazMat suit, but that's mostly wishful thinking.
- I would never use the bathroom alone again. Ever. Now, even the cats join me while I take a pee.
- I'd be bored to tears by the games kids want to play. Now I know why my own mother booted me out of the house and locked the door behind me each morning -- I was boring. My kids, much as I love those little germ-factories, are too.
- If you feed 'em, they keep growing. When they grow, they need new clothes. And clothes for an 11-year old don't induce the same type of ovulating that wee newborn clothes do.
- They begin to ... smell. Like their feet smell. While I loved gnawing on my newborn baby's feet, I'm pretty sure that the odor from my 11-year old's feet could sheer paint off walls.
What do YOU wish you'd known before you had kids?
This Hot Dad Wants to Vacuum Your Rug
This Hot Dad Wants to Do Your Ironing
KStew Refuses to Shower
This Hot Dad Wants to Cook You Dinner
Comments 107
Add to the never getting to pee by yourself is the never being able to shower by your self either. At least for the first 4 or 5 years of the child's life. I have to sneak into the shower and take a really quick shower or I have a 3 year old with me. It was cute when the first one was 3, but then I had another and another. I haven't had a nice long hot shower by myself in 12 years.
I only get to pee by myself at work. It's amazing to have the bathroom to myself.
No 3 yr old. No dog staring at me.
And I find if I want to take a shower by myself, I have to do it when the 3 yr old is asleep. Otherwise it's "Momma, I want to get in wif you!"
This is so true!
That I needed more time to just hold my children. I held them a lot but now it seems like not enough time. Theyre 20 and 22 and they still love to be held via hugs. Cherish every moment you have with your children and please please please do not worry about spoiling them with affection and love. If they cry pick them up and comfort them. And let them be little for as long as possible. Dont rush them to sit up, walk, talk etc. They will eventually reach their milestones at their own time. Cherish every moment! Cant stress that enough. They will be grown before you know it.
My daughter is my little miracle and I wouldn't change her or trade her for anything in the universe. That doesn't mean she doesn't drive me crazy sometimes though. After a long day of work when she didn't have a good nap and I'm trying to cook dinner and she's MUST have my attention while I try to keep her away from anything hot... yeah, I want to scream. But I also remember that 20 mins earlier when I got off work she said with a giant smile and excitement, "You all done working now, Mommy?!?" or that when we were sitting on the couch she randomly looked over and said, "I love you, Mommy!"
For those harping on people venting about their kids or "feeling sorry" for their kids because of what they have said here, SHAME ON YOU! There is nothing wrong with getting frustrations out anonymously on the web so that when you are with your kids you can just enjoy them. If you tell me that your kids are perfect, never ever annoy you, bore you, or frustrate you then I am going to say you are either in denile or emotionless. Kids are people, they have their quirks and annoying behavoirs and there's nothing wrong with venting about them here as long as you aren't looking at your kid and saying these things.
to the author of this article calling your kids boring & shit machines isnt really funny..
stock up on magic easers cause 2- 5 yrold love to draw everywhere & they wait till u go potty or are asleep.
hug them each day & tell them u love them. there will be hard days but when u are mad at them for misbehaving try wacthing them while they sleep, or have them visit a family member then once you miss them you will see how precious they are. buy your bandaids from a dollar store because kids put them on every scratch. & child proff isnt for lazy parents its for parents that dislike the emegnacy room and/ or big messes.