That dumb commercial "having a baby changes everything" drives me bonkers every time it flashes onto my television screen, causing me to scream (at least, in my head), "NO SHIT SHERLOCK!"
There were a lot of things I expected going into the parenting gig -- poopy diapers, jars of creepily-colored baby food, sleepless nights. But there are a select few things I'd never, EVER stopped to consider before popping three kids out of my delicate lady-bits.
Here they are.
- I'd have to hide The Good Stuff. Yeah, you know what I mean. The last chocolate chip cookie? The rest of Mommy's Medicine (read vodka)?
- Eventually, my roly-poly, chubby-cheeked shit machines were going to morph from being a sweet puddle of baby goo into a talking, breathing person who had the capacity to TALK BACK to me.
- I was going to have to explain to my formerly roly-poly, chubby-cheeked shit machines how, in fact, Mommy got ANOTHER baby growing inside her belly.
- I was THEN going to have to explain that, no, my formerly roly-poly, chubby-cheeked shit machine, the new baby wouldn't be exiting via my belly button (bonus points for creativity, though!) and pray like hell that I didn't have to tell them how babies were born.
- I was going to have to share. Everything. Personal space. Sleeping quarters. Clothes. Money. My own dinner. It's one thing to be all, "oh, there, there, kids, sharing is AWESOME," but we, as adults, have learned the truth: sharing sucks.
- I was going to be sick. For over 18 years. Straight. Hand-washing? Not even remotely effective against kid-germs. I'm considering buying a HazMat suit, but that's mostly wishful thinking.
- I would never use the bathroom alone again. Ever. Now, even the cats join me while I take a pee.
- I'd be bored to tears by the games kids want to play. Now I know why my own mother booted me out of the house and locked the door behind me each morning -- I was boring. My kids, much as I love those little germ-factories, are too.
- If you feed 'em, they keep growing. When they grow, they need new clothes. And clothes for an 11-year old don't induce the same type of ovulating that wee newborn clothes do.
- They begin to ... smell. Like their feet smell. While I loved gnawing on my newborn baby's feet, I'm pretty sure that the odor from my 11-year old's feet could sheer paint off walls.
What do YOU wish you'd known before you had kids?
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Comments 107
I am thinking of getting pregnant - articles like this make me think.
If you had to do it over, would you have kids? Is it truly the best thing you have ever done?
No judgement just honestly curious ... Would you do it again, knowing what you know now?
#7 is so true for me !! Even my 22 yr old will talk through the door to me , While one dog is in with me and the 12 yr old is asking the 22 yr to ask me something !! I give up because I know as soon as I hit the bathroom someone will need to ask me something important !
#1,5,9: Even now as I write this I have my almost 5yr sleeping in my bed because EVERYTHING I have tried to get him to leave doesn't work. Ughh and having to keep up with clothes that fit 4 kids! Not to mention making sure that my 10yr daughter has put on deodorant for the day because she will end up smelling by the time she gets home.
Oh but you forgot another one....the endless questions on where you are going and why. You have to answer for everything you do like THEY are the parents! I've learned to just up and leave and not say a word otherwise I would never get out of the house!
When my brother was little he was really attached to my mom. One day he couldn't find her and started crying, "Mommy where are you, Mommy I can't find you..." My mom was in the bathroom. She yells back "I'm in the bathroom" a little louder(he's still crying) "I'm in the bathroom" After she yells several times and he's still crying she yells, "I'm taking a Sh*t" at the top of her lungs, only then to realize that the bathroom window is open and all of our neighbors are out sitting on their porches, lol.
SeekingJustice: I would have them again in a second. They are by far the best thing I have ever done in my entire life. Knowing everything I know now I wouldn't change a thing about them. They are such amazing and incredible little creatures and I feel so blessed to have the privledge of being the one they call Mommy! ;)
We trained our dogs to not cross the threshold into the bathroom if the door is open. So you can imagine how funny they look at us when we want to give them a bath! I guess I am really blessed; we taught the boys at a young age to stand at a closed door and knock and wait for a response. If they were told no, then they knew to walk away or to wait until the person was done. I would gladly trade the daily non-stop fighting and bikering for the diapers and the 12 hours of sleep. Mine sleep 9-10 hours if I am lucky and are up at 6 am no matter what time they go to bed. But all in all, the saying is true: Parenting is never easy. It does NOT get easier it just gets different. It might get easier once the kids are grown and out of the house and then they have to worry about how they are going to take care of themselves.
@ SeekingJustice: I agree with Mama2JoshKatie, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I have a 5 year old and 2 year old and couldn't possibly picture my life without them now. Switching from just the 2 of us to the 3 of us 5 years ago was a violent shift to reality for my husband and I. We argued more, and were a little more impatient with each other, then our son did something amazing. He slept all night long and we began to feel human again. It also was helpful to me that a friend told me "It is OK if you don't love your children right away". I had struggled with feeling like a big POS because I didn't love him right away. I had felt more of a connection to him when I was pregnant then after he was born. We had trouble with our son, he had cholic and cried all day long. I thought I had made the biggest mistake ever. Then he became this little person with giggles, smiles, and hugs. It was easier with #2 to feel more of a connection. You will have some bumps along the way but nothing beats being a MOM.