Spontaneous pregnancy is a thing of the past. It’s so 1970s. Increasingly, it seems that before deciding whether or not to get pregnant, couples are planning and waiting until everything is just perfect; the right partner, the right house, the right place in your career, and the right amount of money. The truth is that we plan it so much that sometimes when it comes time to the actual getting pregnant part, we get stage fright. I mean, that is a lot of pressure to preform.
You’ve meticulously planned and now you just need to add baby to have your happily ever after. However, there are ways to avoid the monthly disappointment and feeling of failure that purposefully trying to procreate brings with it.
- Be a teenager: If you are a teenager, you are more fertile than you want to be, and since you are the population who least wants to get pregnant, you will most certainly get pregnant by pure dumb misfortune.
- Have a husband who just got a vasectomy: After much deep introspection, your husband and you finally came to the conclusion that you do not want any more children. He has a vasectomy. To celebrate, you have sex the morning of his six-day post visit. To your chagrin, his swimmers adhere to the just keep swimming philosophy and your perimenopausal ovulation just released every single egg left in your body.
- Have teenagers: You are so far past changing diapers and wiping asses that you can almost enjoy yourself like an adult again. Too much free time and an overactive libido, because you are functioning on eight hours of sleep these days, and surprise! You’ve got a bun in the oven.
- Be planning a life-changing event that you’ve planned for years: The moment you put that down payment on your summer touring Europe with your husband or just spent your entire nest egg on a million-dollar dream home, you will be instantly pregnant.
- Break your ankle chasing your toddler down the street and be put on pain pills: This will not only release any and all of your inhibitions, causing you to have Olympic-style, freak sex in a fog, it compromises the effect of your birth control, as does antibiotics and several other meds.
- Get drunk at your own engagement party and have wild reckless intercourse: You are planning the biggest day of your life; the perfect day. To share the news with everyone, you celebrate by having some champagne at your engagement party, one thing leads to another and you are in desperate need of a larger wedding gown.
- Adopt a child: Fuggedaboutit. Ninety-eight percent of the couples that I know who adopted found out they were pregnant either shortly after getting the news of receiving a child or soon after taking possession of the adopted child.
The moment that you least expect it, expect it because you will get pregnant.
Image via Polina Sergeeva/Flickr