We all know how pregnancy brings about plenty of weirdness. You're growing a whole new person inside you, how could that not be weird? Weird symptoms. Weird feelings. Weird cravings.

But the unexpected weirdness that comes along with pregnancy is probably the most irritating: the impractical advice.

It comes from every angle, the unsolicited pregnancy advice, until you're ready to hide under the bed (presuming, of course, you'd fit), until those nine long months are over. From the checkout girl at the grocery store. Your mother-in-law. Ladies in the waiting room. In elevators. You can't go anywhere without someone spouting some sort of impractical advice.

Here are my favorites.

There are a lot of variations on this one: "Oh, be sure to sleep now before the baby's born." "Sleep now, you won't be getting any sleep soon enough!" While this may be true, we all know newborns sleep as often as, well, okay, they don't sleep. Not much, at least. It's not one of the most magical part of parenting, and frankly, having to hear about how little sleep I'm going to get helps me to do nothing besides get angry.

This was what I always wanted to respond with: "Listen, I'm nine months pregnant. I haven't slept properly in three months. I recognize that this fetus won't be helping me to get more sleep, but I'd still gnaw off a finger to make him or her come out now. Even if that means MORE time not sleeping."

Here's another gem, and it varies depending upon how many children you have with you at any given point in time (I have three). "Wow, you're going to be busy!" or "Wow, enjoy having just the two now, because pretty soon, everything is going to change!" or, my personal favorite, "They're going to outnumber you soon."

What I always wanted to say was this: "Are my kids terrorists? When they outnumber me, I'll simply figure out what to do with them -- or hire a house boy. I mean, really, three is a lot of kids, and yes, I will be busy, but this, oddly enough was what I wanted."

The last one is the most laughable, even though I know it's loosely tied to medical science: "You should try having sex to bring on the baby."

My response: "Well, thanks for the suggestion, but I look a lot like Barney right now (and I know it). I can't walk three feet without peeing my pants. If my husband were to have sex with me, it would be a mercy mission."

So what impractical things did people say to YOU while you were pregnant?

 

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