Attention: You Do Not OWN Your Baby's Name

by Aunt Becky November 17, 2011 at 12:00 PM in Pregnancy

I was talking the other day to one of my childless-by-choice friends. I happen to love doing that because it's a study in how the other half lives. I spend at least half of our conversations marveling at the things she says.

"Wait, so you can eat dinner WHENEVER YOU WANT? CRAZY!"

"So you DON'T have to get up at least three nights a week to take care of someone else? WILD!"

"Tell me more about sleeping in on the weekends! Don't leave ANYTHING out!"

Since we've been friends for so long, she puts up with me. But the other day, we got onto the topic of baby names. The discussion was quite ... illuminating.

I was prattling on about someone or another that we know who is pregnant with their first child and acting like this was the second coming of Baby Jesus. Somehow we got onto the subject of naming children.

"I hated naming my kids," I confessed. "It seemed like a big job to do for someone who I don't even know yet. You know my kids [all named normal names] are going to grow up and hate that I named them something so vanilla. But if I had named them like Apple or Pear or something, they'd have hated me too. You just can't win."

"Yeah," she agreed. "I hated my name growing up." (Her name is something entirely innocuous and very classic, by the way.)

"Me too," I replied. "But what can you do? I can't leave the kid Baby Boy Harks until he's old enough to name himself. Besides, he'd decide to call himself SpongeBob or something. And that's not *ahem* a very classic name."

"So I was talking to my husband last night," she said. "And we got onto the subject of hypothetical baby names. Y'know, since we're NOT HAVING BABIES because we LIKE GOING ON VACATION."

She loves to drive the point home sometimes. I can't say I blame her.

"And we decided that we'd name our boy, Walter. If, you know, we ever HAVE a baby boy," she continued.

I laughed. The idea of her giving up her lazy Sunday mornings is hilarious to me.

"That's a great name," I replied. "I really love it."

"Yeah," she agreed. "But someone at work is naming their kid Walter and I'm kinda pissed."

"WHAT?" I was shocked. "Why would you be PISSED?"

"Well," she continued. "It's OUR name!"

"Wait a minute," I wanted to go over this one more time. "You're mad that someone you barely know used a name you never told anyone you wanted to use for a baby that doesn't exist?"

"Yes," she replied smoothly. "I am."

I stopped for a minute. That seemed so ... bizarre to me.

Then I remembered back to when I was pregnant.

I'd accidentally chosen -- and used -- a name for my daughter that someone I knew who was also pregnant had chosen for her daughter's name. I had, of course, no way of knowing that she'd chosen it. Or that I was infringing upon something so sacred.

But she stopped talking to me after that. We are no longer friends. All because I took a baby name she never told me was "hers" and had the audacity to use it on my unborn child.

And it's left me puzzled. For years.

Do you OWN a baby name? Do you have the right to expect that someone else will not use the baby name you've kept secret and chosen for your unborn (or not-yet-conceived) child?

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Filed Under: baby names, baby prep

Comments 115

Facebook comment from Alison Carabajal

November 17, 2011 at 3:36 PM

If my husband and I had ever had a girl we were going to name her Amaia. I told this to my brother and sister in law who then named their daughter Mya. I was a little pissed. Who steals a name that you KNOW someone else is going to use? Oh well. We had all boys so it was all for naught.

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Rumsita

My husband and I did purposefully pick a name that didn't belong to anyone we knew, but we also didn't pick a final name until after our daughter was born. I wanted to meet her first. We had a short list. If anyone had "taken" one of the names on the list at the last minute, we likely would have simply scratched it off & used one of the other names. I would not have been angry that someone else liked one of the names I liked. We didn't share our list with anyone until after baby already had a name.

b2kh108

November 17, 2011 at 3:39 PM

I don't believe you "own" your childs name BUT its just common courtesy not to use a name if someone else expressed their desire to use it first. And I mean someone close to you, not just an acquaintance. When I was pregnant with my second child, I fell in love with a certain name. Later, I found out a friend of mine had miscarried a child whom she had named a name that sounded very similar to the name I loved. I asked her if it would be hard for her to hear me talking of my child..if it would remind her of her loss. She said yes...so I chose another name.

heratyc

November 17, 2011 at 4:01 PM

I actually had someone who told me her future baby name ONLY because I can't have any more children and therefore would be unable to "steal" the name. I always thought it was kind of funny, but she was so serious about it, she even said that she would kick someone's ass if they used "her" baby name, and she was completely serious. It just seems like overkill to me. As for the name I picked out for my daughter when she was born, it's a little bit unusual where we live, but it's a beautiful Irish name that her father wanted her to have, but it's not something I own, and if anyone else named their daughter Aoife I would be thrilled, personally.

mlberry4172

November 17, 2011 at 4:03 PM

I was scared to DEATH my sil would take the name I had chosen for my son. I had that name picked out since I was 6. I was going to have twins 1 boy and 1 girl, Nathan and Nina (with a long I sound, not an E sound. Sil used Ethan, I got my Nathan. I'm not going to have any more, so no girls. So anyone who wants to name their daughter after my aunt go ahead, it's a beautiful unique name. And no one outside out of your immediate family will pronounce it right!

LovinLiv

I'll admit to getting a little disappointed when I hear people talking about a baby name I've chose. I'm pregnant with my 2nd girl and I know if someone uses the boy name I have picked out for some day I will be a little sad but I also realize I don't really have the right to be upset it's just a personal thing, I don't own the names. I think it's fine to be disappointed but not offended.

Facebook comment from Alexandrea Goff Dahlstrom

November 17, 2011 at 4:19 PM

I think it's funny how in most of these comments no one is mentioning the very names they are discussing. The fear is still there that someone out in the internet world will steal it. For the record I could care less if someone took my names. I'd be flattered actually and the only person who "owns" the name is the person whos name it is.

doll0302

November 17, 2011 at 4:20 PM

I get why people don't let others know their baby names, but i wonder what happens if someone accidently does use the name? That has got to suck. When I was pregnant both times, I told people the names so that they wouldn't use them. Childish or not. Now my aunt has a manager with DS name first and middle, and my mom has a co-worker with a grandson with the same name. Oh, well.

Tal0n

November 17, 2011 at 4:29 PM

I TOTALLY own my daughter's name, dangit!!

Bethsunshine

November 17, 2011 at 4:32 PM

I went to nursing school with a woman who had cheated on her first husband with her (then) current husband and he was also married at that time, and had a daughter named Stephanie. My classmate got pregnant with the man she was having an affair with, before either of them were divorced. To tick off the ex-wife even MORE, ( as if sleeping with her husband wasn't enough) she named HER daughter Stephanie too!! She even said the only reason she did it was to irritate the ex-wife. Now, in THAT case, I think "stealing" the name was totally wrong. Otherwise, names are fair game.