Most days I get half-sad when I see mothers and daughters together. And I stare. I stare at the way they interact, comparing my brief, judgmental impression of their relationship to my brief, judgmental relationship with my own mother, who died last year when I was 31. Did I ever laugh with my mom like that? When was the last time we went to dinner just the two of us? Were our snippy back and forths ever that mean?
Not having a mom sucks for reasons that are both obvious and not. Have you ever complained to anyone about how unhappy you are with a haircut in painstaking detail and had them actually care? Have you ever spotted a Christmas ornament that's so perfect for someone but you just can't buy it? Or have you ever kicked yourself for not getting the recipe for one of your favorite dishes -- 'cause now you'll never have it again?
I like to think I've handled the death of my mother with some aplomb. But being pregnant without a mom unearths a whole new level of crappiness.
And it's not just because I'm missing out on the adorable cards and outfits and advice she would be giving me, it's because I'm missing out on seeing how happy she'd be meeting her first grandchild.
Before I ever got pregnant, I knew that my mother's absence was something that was going to play during this time. Since I had remained fairly strong -- taking care of others when they needed taking care of, never bursting into a tearful fit in public, and being able to talk about "it" openly -- I wondered just how it would affect me. "I can figure out how to raise a kid without her," I thought. "Her mom wasn't exactly helpful, and if she can do it, I can, too." Also, I'm blessed with a pretty fantastic husband, who was actually a nanny years ago. We got this.
And we do. But one day when I was visiting with a friend who just gave birth, I realized that it's not about me, it's about her. I watched as her mom, the baby's grandma, picked the infant up, changed her diapers, and served up bowls of soup to my friend and me -- with glee. My friend's mother, who I've known since I was 10, was positively glowing as she buzzed around her daughter's home, taking care of what needed to be taken care of. She was deeply grateful and, you can tell, felt blessed. That is something my mother will never get to experience.
I'm sure there will be times, after I give birth, when I'll be missing my mother for reasons that are more selfish -- help with the baby, free babysitting, surprise gifts -- but the real thing that sucks about not having a mom is not being able to see her with that glow.
Were you pregnant without your mom?
Image via d:space/Flickr
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Comments 24
my goodness, your story made me tear up at work. i am so sorry for your loss. i can't imagine not having my mom around during such a precious time. moms seem to be the only ones who truly understand what we are going through at any given time. it is so nice to hear that you have a wonderful husband for support. i wish you the absolute best during the rest of your pregnancy, for a healthy baby, and of course I am sure your mother is watching proudly as she transforms from mother to guardian angel. <3
I'm so very sorry for your loss. :(
I am very fortunate to still have my mom around and she is an absolutely wonderful grandmother. She loves my children with all her heart and they think she is just the greatest thing ever. lol However, my husband's mom passed away in 03, 2 years before we got married. So she missed out on the first of her kids to get married and has missed out on her first grandbabies. I know it's not quite the same, but I sometimes feel sad (and I certainly know my husband does) that she can't be here physically to love on them, watch them grow, and that they won't know her in person. We're a military family so we don't get to see our families very often. My mom didn't get to hold her first grandbaby until she was 4 1/2 months old because we lived in Germany. We only get to see eachother 2-3 times a year. I cherish every single second we have when we visit and I know my mom does too.
When I was 30 weeks pregnant with my first child, my husband was deployed and my mother passed away. I was devastated, left alone. My mom was my best friend, my source of support when my husband was away, then I was left without either one of them and what made it worse was I had already been diagnosed as having pregnancy induced chronic hypertension so my health wasn't very well, I needed my husband.
It's still very hard on me, that was November 2008. I don't think I'll ever get over the fact that my kids will never know my mother as their grandmother. Whenever I see a grandparent with their grandchild I become severely depressed and I get jealous whenever my husband's mom gets to see my girls (which is never because she doesn't make the effort) I definitely feel as though I've been cheated out of spending these years with her as well as my children. I'm now 23yrs old with a 2 1/2yr old daughter and a 9 1/2 month old daughter and my husband is about to come home from his 4th deployment. It never gets easier when you're as close as my mother and I were.