Now that I'm past the whole gestatin' kids thing, my friends are all amping up to have their first babies. Having started younger than everyone I know, this isn't terribly surprising, but it does make for an interesting case study. My friends, of course, don't have any idea that I'm watching them gestate, taking notes and remembering those days not-so-fondly. I imagine if they did, they'd probably unfriend me.
(Probably a wise move on their end.)
Anyway.
Here's my list of things I wished someone had gently bothered mentioning before I'd gotten knocked up.
1. People brag about getting knocked up on the first try. This is especially problematic when you're one of the lucky few (raises both hands) that doesn't.
2. Water can give you wicked heartburn.
3. Your growing belly will become public property. While it starts off as kinda cute, if you're one of those PERSONAL SPACE people, like me, it gets tiring.
4. Everyone wants to share their most horrifying birth stories -- especially if it's your first baby -- the moment you drop the "I'm knocked up" bomb. It's like they want to scare the crap out of you. Try and ignore them.
5. Your hormones are completely obnoxious. One night, as you're lying in bed, fetus kicking the crap out of your internal organs, you'll become obsessed with the idea of baby diapers and insist that your partner drag ass out of bed and go buy some.
6. Your liver can, in fact, be bruised by tiny baby feet. Feet that feel like bombs.
7. Your ass gets pregnant too.
8. Your toenails will grow at a ridiculous pace. However, you will not be able to cut them on your own.
9. Personal grooming will go from being well-put together to *sniff, sniff* GOOD ENOUGH.
10. If you have more than one child and are obviously pregnant, people will point out that "you're going to be busy." Restrain yourself from punching them. Mama doesn't need to go into labor in jail.
11. Everything will annoy you. This includes air, gravity, and everyone you've ever met.
12. You will obsess about going into labor 24/7 even though you know nothing feels like labor except, um, LABOR.
13. During the last weeks, take your phone off the hook and go offline. Because the constant bombardment of "HAVE YOU HAD THAT BABY YET?" will make you want to stab everyone in the eyeballs.
14. Unfortunately, not all pregnancies end in a happy birth. If you're in that group (raises both hands), please let me say how incredibly sorry I am.
15. You will realize how few things pregnant women can eat. Mostly because you'll begin craving them.
16. You may start lactating well before there's an actual baby. It's a good party trick (assuming you're still lively enough to party).
17. Your maternity underwear can be used as a sail for a boat. But only in an emergency.
18. Anyone who takes your super-secret baby name will become your mortal enemy.
19. Dessert will become a meal.
20. Pregnancy IS magical, but don't trust anyone who doesn't mention that parts of it suck. Hard.
What do YOU wish someone had told you about being pregnant?
This Hot Dad Wants to Do Your Ironing
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This Hot Dad Cooks AND Does the Dishes
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Comments 56
Lol. I appreciate this list. My fiance and I are trying to get pregnant. (Raises both hands to Num. 1)
The "Have you had that baby yet?" comments drove me NUTS...and my DD was born BEFORE her due date, so weeks before it was even time that was all anyone would say to me. Super annoying.
Definitely number two. I didn't have heartburn with my daughter, but with this baby I throw up in my mouth about 15 times per day. And water is definitely a culprit. Who knew?
I managed to deflect a lot of the annoying questions by getting super snarky. To "Have you had that baby yet?" I'd reply "If I had, you wouldn't be asking that."
And #20 is SO TRUE. My mother-in-law has nothing but freaking rosy memories of being pregnant and just did not get it when I was pregnant with my first baby and feeling like crap all the time. I wanted to smack her. She's been more sympathetic with this pregnancy.
You'll be tired no matter how much you sleep
Your ribs will feel like guardrails to keep the baby in
When the baby pushes out, it'll feel like your stomach is tearing.
You'll have to pee a teaspoon as soon as you stand up. Every. Single. Time.
Some women can't wear contacts because pregnancy changes your eyes (found this out the hard way)
Love 18-20 and yes I do now have a mortal enemy because that biotch stole my name (unknowingly but I'm still pissed)
heehee LOVE the "your ass gets pregnant too"
So true.
I was totally laughing until the part about the lactating at a party before the baby. I had no idea! I haven't nursed a kid in 3 years and I'm not pregnant (and I never go to parties), but my boobs and I are scared anyway. The underwear: I remember going into Victoria's Secret to buy new thongs (there's a joke). She asked what size I wore (small) and then I said "I guess I need to go to a Medium." ----- "Um, no honey, you should get a large." I almost ran out crying.