Parenting

20 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I'd Had Kids

Being a Mom 133

babyA couple of weeks ago, I ran into my neighbor across the street who had recently had her first baby. Being the lovable sap that I am, I immediately made a beeline for her in a desperate attempt to hold the squishy! baby!

When I asked her how she was, she began to weep.

She told me precisely how I felt after my first was born: she was terrible. Her baby wouldn't stop crying, well, ever. She just didn't know what she was doing wrong. Where were these maternal feelings she'd heard about? Why did she feel like she was doing it all wrong?

I told her that I was not in the habit of telling people horror stories before they had children/bought a house/ate at Jack in the Box, because I always thought it was mean. She told me she'd WISHED that someone had told her how hard babies are.

These are things I wish someone had told me before I'd had kids or been knocked up.

1. After your first pregnancy, you will look six months pregnant as soon as the positive pee stick dries.

2. Your nipples will look like pancakes.

3. When you're pregnant, you're certifiable, but you have to not realize it. Instead you think you're the only sane one left on the planet.

4. If this is your first pregnancy, you will assume that this pregnancy is the most important pregnancy since Mary birthed Jesus.

5. You will eat a lot of food to try and make yourself less queasy. While it doesn't quell the nausea, it will cause a couple of extra pounds to be added to your frame. Which will annoy you because YOU DIDN'T EVEN ENJOY PUTTING THEM ON.

6. Worrying about random things will become a part of your daily routine.

7. Suddenly everyone will waltz through your dreams and have wild passionate sex with you.

8. Someone, somewhere will buy you the ugliest clothes you've ever seen and you will have to sit there, grinning, and tell them that you looooovvvveee the little outfit with the bows on it. For your 10-year old son.

9. Honest-to-God strangers will not only feel the need to rub your belly without so much as a handshake, but will then ask you if you plan on breastfeeding.

10. IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, tell no one what you plan on feeding your child. Or make tasteless jokes like, "We were thinking Jack Daniels, but do you think that Crown Royal is better?" Otherwise, you're going to get a lecture. If you're tasteless, people will run away from you.

11. Most of the baby crap out there that they try to sell you is just that: crap. It's okay. Buy as much as you want. You'll realize it later.

12. You will hardly ever spend time in your perfectly coordinated nursery. Kids don't play in their bedroom until they're about 4 or 5, so while I would never suggest NOT doing up a nursery, I wouldn't go butt-wild on it either.

13. YOU WILL KNOW WHEN YOU ARE IN LABOR. NOTHING ELSE FEELS LIKE LABOR, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT IT TO.

14. No one but you can figure out what is actually in the ultrasound pictures.

15. Feeling the baby kick for the first time is perhaps the finest part of pregnancy. It only becomes painful when their ickle feet get to be the size of golf balls. Mean, busy golf balls.

16. Maternity clothes will fit differently during different parts of pregnancy. What might look cute with your wee beer-belly during the first trimester will look downright ill-fitting hours before you give birth.

17. Steer clear of anyone who claims any of the following:

  • I was back in my size 4s when I left the hospital!
  • I've never felt better than when I was pregnant!
  • Breastfeeding really helped me take those 5 pesky pounds off!
  • Having a baby is soooooo easy!

I mean, even if they're not lying through their grubby teeth, they're going to make you feel bad. And TRUST ME when I tell you that you will have plenty of things to feel bad/inadequate about.

18. Pregnancy is an excellent cure for modesty. I cannot recall a time when I didn't whip down my pants in front of the doctor WHETHER OR NOT THEY ASKED ME TO.

19. Babies cry. A lot. It's not your fault.

20. Enjoy it as best you can. Sure, you feel ugly, you're gangly, you've reached hippo-like proportions, you can hardly make it an hour without going to the bathroom and peeing out a tablespoon of liquid, you have heartburn so badly you could sear paint from the walls, and you're starving yet queasy. It's all true. But it's also magical.

What would you add to the list?


baby prep, motherhood

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Miria... Miriamo25

This is exactly why I will never have another baby! I love my son but It took me till he was 4 1/2 to get off the baby weight while I'm walking around watching all these model thin Moms carrying around their 9mth old babies. I asked one how she lost the weight and she said all she did was walk. WOW! Maybe some womens bodies were just made to bounce back like that but not mine. It's been hard work for me and I am not letting anything mess up my hard work. Diabetes also runs in my family and I am at high risk for it so losing the weight was very important for my health. After having gestational diabetes there is no way I would want to live everyday of my life giving myself shots of insulin. That was no fun. Having a baby to take care of is hard work and admiring a cute little baby before you have one is nothing like having it 24/7. You have to be completely dedicated. There is no return policy! LOL

hutch... hutchfam2007

There are many graphic details about labor and immediate post partum that I literally wish SOMEONE would have told me about! BUT I only tell those grusome things to the strongest of my friends because it is the horrific parts.

Leanne Carnegie

-Babies don't generally sleep through the night until 1-2 years.  Stop waiting for it to happen.


-Some babies want to eat every 45 minutes and that's totaly OK and perfectly normal


-You will become very jealous of anyone who can go anywhere alone, or just pick up and take a midnight trip to walmart.   Those days are GONE.


-You don't need a bunch of baby gear, so don't waste your money.  Put it in the college fund instead!


-That a sling would become my most beloved possesion

Garre... GarrettsMom2011

That breastfeeding is hard. Its not intuitive for mom or baby, and that its BORING. Having to sit pretty much all day long, and all night long with an infant attached to your boob gets old pretty quick. Especially when you are dealing with pain, bleeding and a baby with the sucking power of a Dyson who treats your nipples like chewing gum. Carrying him around in a sling and nursing him is impossible because he flings his arms and legs out and sometimes bows out his back while eating, so you have to have a good grip on him or he'll rip your entire nipple off.


 

Garre... GarrettsMom2011

 


-that you will feel insanely guilty if you don't make enough milk to keep your baby happy, and have to supplement as a result


-that you will be ecstatic to go back to work, but then feel incredibly guilty for feeling ecstatic


-that you will become jealous of your caregivers because they get to spend time with your child and you don't


-that you will daydream about smothering your husband with his pillow as you are up all night with the baby and he's sleeping away, then has the nerve to complain the next day that he is tired

Garre... GarrettsMom2011

-that you will hate your post-baby body...and wish you never took your pre-baby body for granted, when it was fit and stretchmark, mother apron free.


-that you will hate your friends who don't have kids, both for their nice, taught, pooch-free tummies and for their unlimited free time


-that most of the conversations you will have with your mate revolve around baby poop


-that sleep deprivation causes serious mobility issues. I now drop things all the time and have fallen down the stairs twice.

Garre... GarrettsMom2011

 


-that 'baby brain drain' is real. Very, embarrassingly real, and you will find yourself in situations where you are babbling like a loon because you can't form a coherent sentence anymore, or you will contribute an idea at work that makes absolutely zero sense and you can't understand why everyone is looking at you like you have three heads


-that you will become incredibly defensive of anything regarding your baby, people can't even ask you a simple question about how you do something, without you thinking they are questioning you because they think its bad or you are wrong


-that breast pads are now more important than your drivers license, don't go anywhere without them. Any crying baby will set those puppies off, and if you aren't prepared, you are going to regret it

Garre... GarrettsMom2011

-that there are some NASTY, horrible, judgmental mommies out there who have nothing better to do with their time than criticize other moms because it makes them feel better about themselves. For this reason, don't ever share your views on the following:


    -breastfeeding vs formula feeding


    -cloth vs disposable diapers


    -c-sections, even if its a medical emergency and needed to save the life of your baby, there will be a mom who will say it wasn't needed and you should of told the doctor no. Because the "birth experience" is apparently more important than making sure your baby is born healthy without complications.


 

Garre... GarrettsMom2011

don't talk about with other mommies cont....


    -circumcision... just don't discuss it. Ever. Say its against your religion to discuss your son's penis. ever. trust me.


     -vaccinations...don't need to elaborate here


     -your child's name


     -homeschooling vs private vs public schooling


     -Stay at home vs working mom


     -breastfeeding: just a reminder, seriously don't talk about how you feed your baby! Unless you are fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom, who can exclusively breastfeed, and never use a bottle, a pump, a nipple shied or heaven forbid, use that poison known as formula, then don't discuss it. Use the against my religion excuse if you have to. Just zip it. Even if you breastfeed but have to work so you use a pump and bottles, you aren't safe from criticism from the Ultra-Granola Milk Nazis. Just don't go there... ever. EVER.

Ashley Calverette

How about unless you're a freak of nature or some Hollywood starlet you will look 6 months pregnant for weeks after the baby gets here? No one told me this and I was genuinely surprised.


Also, your boobs will NEVER be the same. Ever.


And if you have a C-Section, that flap of skin is there to stay. No matter how much you work out, no matter how much P90X you do. (Yes, I did it and even thought I was in the best shape of my life, the skin on my belly was still loose and saggy.)


And if you really want to get graphic and honest here, the first time you FINALLY have a bowel movement after the baby is born, you will feel like you're having the baby all over again. 


There are so many more that I just can't remember at the moment, but I'm sure I'll be immediately reminded when my second little boy gets here in February! ;)

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