Naming a baby is one of the most important decisions you'll make in your parenting career. A single choice can dictate what nicknames your kid will get called, how professional they'll someday appear, and just how much they'll resent you someday.

I agonized over the decision for nine months, and even though I hardly picked the most original names on earth, at least my choices won't hinder my children's future success. Or so I hope.

Here, however, are some surefire ways to raise a child who will surely hate his name, and may just hate you for it ...

1. Pick a perfectly nice name and alter the spelling. Jaaynee, Lee-ahn, Mykal, Charlit. Why do that to a kid and force him or her into a life of correcting and explaining his own name. There's just no reason good enough.

2. Spell a name backward. Nevaeh (Heaven spelled backward) may just be the name that drives me the most crazy of all. Emiaja (Jaime spelled backwards) takes a close second. I just can't get on board with this trend.

3. Do something inexplicably strange. Like name a kid La-a, pronounced "La-dash-a." I mean, really.

4. Don't think about the combined name. Case in point? Drew Peacock. Just say it.

5. Give your kid a stripper name. Unless, of course, you want your Sparkle Princess to be a stripper.

6. Name your child after a product like Nivea or L'Oréal.

7. Give your twins matching names like Marc and Marcia or Richie and Rikki. Don't they share enough?

8. Name your child after a drug like Opium.

9. Take inspiration from movies. Star Wars is indeed a classic, but a name like Anakin is better left to Darth Vader.

10. Take inspiration from celebrities. Names like Pilot Inspektor, Sage Moonblood, and Audio Science are best left to celebrity parents. Those children never have a shot at a normal life, anyway.

 

Image via Flickr/nateone