It's strange, but you'd think that after spending years with low-grade baby fever, followed by a good year or so of baby-making desperation, and then another nine months of pregnancy, I'd be pretty anxious to meet my twin baby boys by now. The soft skin and sweet smell of my own babies, the tight grip of their little hands around my fingers, to snuggle them in my arms -- I've waited what feels like a lifetime for this!
And yet, here I am, just two weeks away from my due date, and I'm not ready. If you read my post from last week, you know my husband can't wait to finally meet his sons. Meanwhile I'm like, "Oh no, not just yet." What's wrong with me?
Just yesterday, my doctor told us that it looked like it might be awhile until our boys make their grand entrance. My husband slumped back in his seat, a dejected look on his face. Me? I breathed a huge sigh of relief. After the doctor left the room, my husband put his hands on my belly, trying to coax them out. "Come on, I'll give you each $100 if you come this week. What's so great about being in there anyway?" Meanwhile I was thinking, "Phew, now we can go out for our anniversary dinner. I can see Harry Potter in the theaters. I can finish all the work I have on my plate."
Let's be honest though: My relief probably had nothing to do with all of my big plans. Next week, I'll probably decide that I need a few extra days to get a pedicure, finish that book I'm reading, catch the season premiere of Breaking Bad. It's hard for me to believe, but I think that in spite of all the hoping and planning and processing that's gone into preparing for these babies, now that they're almost here, I'm just plain old scared. Even with months to get on board with all of this, I'm still going, "Holy shit! We're about to have two babies?! How are we going to to do this?"
I mean, logistically, we're all set. The nursery is organized, we've got all our baby gear and clothes and supplies, the hospital bag is packed, the birth plan is in place. What else is there to do? Thinking, thinking, thinking ... oh yeah ... Take a giant, life-changing, can't-turn-back-now leap into the great, big, unknown world of parenthood! This train is barreling down the tracks at an accelerated pace and there's no getting off the ride. Isn't it about time I got a freaking grip?
But right now, I'm enjoying the familiar, my world of the known. I want to savor these last days of status quo, especially now that I seem to know enough to appreciate them. Also (and I know some people will hate me for saying this), I'm not "over" being pregnant. As uncomfortable as I am, I'm still digging all of this, even more so in the last few days when the boys are doing more crazy acrobatics in there than ever. What's the rush to meet face-to-face when we're having so much fun together now?
Luckily, I have a lot of very honest Mom friends who've reassured me that I'm not crazy, and that's it's totally normal to feel scared and freaked out about impending motherhood. They also told me -- and really, I know this too -- that once my babies are born, it will suddenly all make sense, a lot of that anxiety will just fade away, and we'll figure it out. When I'm finally looking in their little faces, when I get to nuzzle my nose against their soft necks, when I see my husband snuggling his sons, I'm sure I'll wonder how life ever existed without them. For now though, is it okay to hope for just one more week or so of my same-old life?
Do you think you're ever totally ready to have a new baby?
Image via pasukaru76/Flickr