Parenting

I'm Going to Miss My Pregnancy

Jenny Benjamin
19

belly with duckI had a real bitch of a time getting pregnant, so once I did ultimately get knocked up with twins, I felt doubly blessed -- two babies at once and an easy pregnancy to boot. It's fair to say that, aside from the random hormonal rants that come out of nowhere, I've never been happier! Yes, I know, I'm sure many of you are probably rolling your eyes with "well, good for you" annoyance, but many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. So, for those of you still with me ....

I love being pregnant -- totally, completely, off-my-rocker, love it! I love watching how my body has changed, I love feeling my little guys squirming around inside of me, I love the fact that I've been able to lie low and look after myself, totally guilt-free. So now, at 33 weeks along, with just about a month to go until I finally get to meet my babies face-to-face, I'm starting to get a little sad. I'm going to miss being pregnant.

Of course, I've had several women tell me, "Oh, just wait until you're further along," so I reserve the right to write another post in a few weeks that goes something like, "Get these suckers out of me!" Already, I'm having trouble sleeping, I can't get comfortable, I'm having hot flashes, I waddle, and my swollen legs and feet and fingers look like giant pork sausages. And yet, I still think I'm doing all right!

In fact, I think this whole pregnancy has gone by too fast. I want my little ones to stay here in my belly as long as possible. Mostly, it's because the longer they cook, the healthier they'll be. But there's so much more to it than that! I lie still in bed just to feel their little kicks and rolls and love taps. I take comfort in knowing that they're safe and warm and cozy in there. And as I grow and my boys grow and we go about our day, I feel like we're this one connected, organic, symbiotic love unit -- the three of us, all right here in this one body, with sudden desires for a juicy burger or a mid-afternoon nap. Unremarkable me, amazing us. What could be more incredible than this, right now?

With just a few weeks left to go, I want to make sure I haven't missed anything -- some prenatal bonding ritual that will later make me wonder with regret, "Oh damn, why didn't we do that?" This will most likely be my only pregnancy, so no chance for do-overs later. I've been taking pictures of my belly regularly to mark its growth and I'm keeping a pregnancy journal (although I haven't been as vigilant as I was, say, three months ago). Each morning, I take a big sip of cold water to get them grooving, and then whisper, "Good morning, little ones." My husband and I have played them music, to see if certain genres stir one more than the other (one seems to like opera, the other likes heavy metal, and both seem to dig brass band New Orleans jazz).

And yet, why do I feel like I'm missing something, like I should be doing more? Should we be playing them classical music? Should I be talking to them more? Should I be doing some positive visualization, transferring my good vibes onto them? I've already thought about the lullabies I will sing to my babies -- maybe I should start singing to them now, the songs I'm planning to lull them to sleep with at night. Nagging at me is this sense that I should be finding some new way to mark our time together.

Just a few weeks ago, my friend told me that while packing up her second baby's newborn clothes, she got really sad, mourning over the fact that those tiny infant days were over now. I guess it all goes by really fast, doesn't it? Six months from now, I'll probably be sad that my own babies' newborn stage is over. Five years down the road, I'll be crying about them starting kindergarten. And in 20-something years, when they're out in the world, living their own lives, I'm sure I'll wonder how and when they grew up so fast. Maybe I feel like, as long as they're here in my belly, I can stop time, keep them close and safe, and hold on to them forever. So, of course, I'm going to miss my pregnancy, but I think this might be my first lesson in letting go.

Are you going to miss being pregnant?


Image via Nicole O'Neil Photography/Flickr

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