Pregnant ladies, I know you've been wondering why there isn't a clothing option that can shield your unborn child from the harmful effects of nearby electrical appliances, right? I am thrilled to inform you that someone has finally listened to your concerns, and there are now maternity shirts that offer protection for your fetus against the horrors of electromagnetic pollution.
According to Protec Maternity Wear, every electrical device in your life can harm your baby, potentially even damaging DNA. The company does not go so far as to say your electronically-exposed child may be born with flippers, pyrokinetic abilities, and a prehensile tail, but why take chances?
You can either be a responsible mother or you can deliberately give birth to an X-Man. Your choice.
But how can I make sure my developing baby isn't being exposed to electromagnetic fields, you may be asking. Do I have to wrap my pregnant belly in tinfoil?
OF COURSE YOU DO, YOU FOOL. Haven't you read What to Expect When You're Expecting to Mutate Your Child's DNA By Blow-Drying Your Hair? But don't stop there, because for only $90, you can also purchase a shirt with a "lightweight, sheer, comfortable underlining that provides EMF protection all the way around."
Made from luxurious polyester and a mysterious special fabric that "absorbs and reflects away much of the EMF," Protec Maternity Wear garments aren't just fashionable—they guard your unborn child from the many environmental dangers you're wallowing in every day. I mean, since you refuse to gestate in a secluded cave like a decent parent would.
How it works is very simple, according to this detailed scientific diagram provided by Protec:
Thoroughly tested and assessed by professional research scientists, engineers, and physicians, these maternity shirts take the big squiggly lines outside your belly and make them smaller inside your belly. Amazing!
I for one am thrilled to see that such a useful product is available for such an affordable price. Additionally, it seems perfectly reasonable to tell pregnant women that "research suggests that some birth defects or miscarriage could even result from fetal exposure to EMF," and it would certainly be a shame if the FDA suddenly descended on this company in order to evaluate their many interesting and no-doubt completely medically accurate claims.
Images via Protec