(barely) Surviving Prepartum Depression

Being a Mom 21

My emotions tend to run from I Want a Nap -> Where's My People Magazine? -> I Want a Cheeseburger, so it's safe to assume that I'm as deep as a mud puddle. When I have these things that normal people call "feelings," I'm at a loss. I can barely identify them, let alone fix them.

I got pregnant with my middle son after months and months of trying and I finally had it all. A baby on the way. A house in the suburbs. A loving husband. I even had a dog.

I was Living La Vida Aunt Becky. It was all that I'd ever wanted and more.

So why was I so miserable that I could barely slog out of bed every day? Prepartum Depression.

I'd always suffered from a touch of situational depression, but my life kinda read like a bad country song, it wasn't that surprising. Months of being unable to conceive, a threatened miscarriage, and a job that I hated had taken a toll on me.

Finally pregnant, I'd expected to glow and radiate and maybe sit in a field of sunflowers wearing a big floppy hat.

When I found that I could barely leave the house, I was vexed. When I could no longer talk to my friends -- or anyone -- on the phone without bursting into tears or having an anxiety attack, I was perplexed. I'd never so much as had a single panic attack. While I'd often listed "napping" and "eating" as two things I excelled at, I could no longer do either. I was as confused as I was nauseated.

These were the months before I had a blog to confess this to, so I kept my trap shut. No one knew how utterly miserable I was.

I mean, I was creating a new life inside of me! What's more magical than that? And how could I possibly be a good mother if my only "glow" I radiated was from barfing?

Thanks to Andrea Yates, the world knows about postpartum mood disorders. I got a slew of packets about the signs, symptoms, and what to expect if I ever felt like killing my offspring after my first son was born. We studied postpartum depression in nursing school, too. But depression while pregnant? Antenatal depression? Well, that wasn't covered.

After my son was born healthy and pissed off at the world, it was like a veil lifted and the clouds gave way to the sun. I felt like myself again. I could take on the world.

It was then that I finally got a name for what had happened to me (and it didn't involve the words "bad mother"): antepartum depression.

It clicked into place: I wasn't a bad mother. I wasn't a bad wife. I wasn't a bad friend. I was simply suffering from depression. While pregnant. 

When I got pregnant with my daughter, I fully expected the depression to come back, and it did, but this time I knew what it was. I knew that it would pass. I knew that it wasn't my fault. Turns out, knowledge IS power.

And that's why I speak out about it. It's important to give these dark things a name. To bring them to light and tell the world about it in the hopes that someone, somewhere will read this and know that they are not alone. That being depressed and pregnant happens to some of us.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is beautiful.

Have any of you suffered from prepartum or postpartum mood disorders? How did you manage it?

complications, emotions, pregnancy symptoms, the pregnant life

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Anast... Anastazia975

So glad to have a name for what I felt when I was pregnant! My dr said I was being melodramatic.

kjbug... kjbugsmom1517

Boy did I ever.. I had the prepartum and postpartum depression with my first. Didn't know it, just chalked it up to being pregnant. I cried allllll the time. Wasn't as bad the 2nd time around thank goodness! And now I'm done having babies.

Ninja... NinjaRainbow

I'm suffering from it now but thanks to my husband and our daughter I'm making it through. Still have 4 months left of this pregnancy but I know it's going to pass just like Postpartum depression did with my daughter.

nonmember avatar RaspberryFizz

I am going through some of this right now, the first three months were the absolute worst. Hard to find information online - thanks for this article.

jpfsmom jpfsmom

I think I'm going through it to some extent with this pregnancy. Fortunately I have a son that I have to get up and take care of but if I had it my way I'd sleep the day away...I'm not exactly sitting around feeling sorry for myself but I'm not doing the "normal"things like "nesting" or getting things ready, partially because I'm busy chasing and picking up after my little toddler but by the time my husband comes home I'm just too tired and frazzled to deal. Maybe when he's finally here, it will put me in kickstart mode.

Anast... Anastazia975

jpfsmom- That's what happened with me, literally the day I went into labor and had my daughter, the light switch flipped. I suddenly wanted to finish the nursery, and look at her little cloths, and do everything I had been faking an interest in and motivation for. Lol. By the time they gutted me like a fish and I had her, I wanted to run laps! That's when the Dr. that delivered her told me it happens to some women. That and this article, and you posters, just cemented what I was feeling was real. I hope everyone feels better soon! <3

nonmember avatar cscott2008

Thanks so much for this post!!
I've suffered from situational depression before and just found out I'm pregnant. I'm def. going to do some research into this!

nonmember avatar Colleen

I had this with both my pregnancies, and that's why there will be no more babies. I can't do that again. But you're right. No one ever talks about this. I really thought I was alone for a long time. Antepartum depression needs to be talked about more.

nonmember avatar Jenn Fox

I suffered from PPD after the birth of my first child but I didn't realize it. It only intensified when I became pregnant with my second child. I lacked the ability to focus . . . I withdrew from people . . . I was miserable.

The birth of my second child ramped things up to the point where I knew that something was definitely wrong and I finally got help.

Luckily, things seem to finally be starting to get better.

nonmember avatar Sara

Thanks for bringing attention to a very serious issue. I had terrible depression during pregnancy and it wasn't well-known then.

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