Sure, my Grandma Mitzi may look like a sweet, gentle little thing, but don't let the hearing aids and orthopedic shoes fool you -- my grandma is one dirty old lady. Once upon a time, she was a buxom, green-eyed brunette with a penchant for body-hugging catsuits, super-high heels, and red lipstick -- kind of like Marilyn mixed with Liz Taylor, only with a filthy, filthy sense of humor. When she started losing her hearing though, inevitably some of her bawdy sass went with it. But age didn't beat all of the naughty out of Ole Mitz, and when I was trying to get pregnant, she decided it was her grandmotherly duty to help me get knocked up.
Yes, my partially-deaf, arthritic grandma was suddenly the Dr. Ruth of baby-making.
Grandma's unsolicited sex advice didn't come out of nowhere. When I was a kid, she used to teach my brother and me suggestive songs, with lines like, "Roll me over in the clover, roll me over, do it again," or blousy lounge tunes about "big fat mamas who can really go to town." She would smile her mischievous smirk as we would innocently, unknowingly belt out the latest naughty ditty to my Mom, her co-workers, the lady at the supermarket.
When I got older and started developing big breasts, she would try to squelch my body insecurities by encouraging me to push those babies up and out there, show some cleavage, tease the boys! Once when I was in high school, I stumbled upon some naughty figurines, which she had displayed on a wall-sized bookcase, crammed full of tchotchkes. When I asked about them, she responded proudly, "Those are Kama Sutra poses. I got them in India. When you are ready, I will teach you. In the meantime, I suggest you get in shape, do some stretches, and get your body good and limber." No, I never did take her up on her offer to learn the Kama Sutra, but I ultimately made a career out of writing sex articles. Hmmmm ....
I'm lucky enough to have a really close relationship with my grandma, so when my husband and I started trying to get pregnant, I shared that with her. Of course, as it often happens, it ended up taking a little longer than we would have liked, which my grandma was very sympathetic to. But she also believed that perhaps we were going about it the wrong way. Grandma can barely work the VCR (which she's still using to tape her stories, by the way), so I wasn't about to get into basal temperature readings and ovulation kits with her. Instead, awkward though it may be, I decided to hear her out. Here, some pearls of conception wisdom from my Grandma Mitzi:
On timing: "You should just have sex all the time. You know, I got pregnant with your Uncle Bruce when I had my period."
On trying harder (while at my brother's wedding in Jamaica): "I think this is a really good place for you to get pregnant. Don't drink too much or get sunburned or you won't be in the mood."
On positioning: "When I was trying to get pregnant with your Mother, you wouldn't believe the gymnastics I went through. But if you get on top, his joy juice will leak out."
On the afterglow: "After your Papa finished, I would lie on my back with my legs straight up in the air. To keep the jewel inside. What? It worked."
On gender selection: "When I was pregnant with your Mom, I would stare at this picture of a baby girl that I had and just really focus on making her a girl."
What do you think of my Grandma's advice? What's the weirdest baby making advice you ever got?
Image via Jenny Benjamin