I was violently ill for most of my pregnancies, yet I still managed to gain 60+ pounds each and every time. Kind of a medical marvel ... Go me! I was big. Real big.

I hit my pregnancy low when shopping at Marshall's while nine months pregnant with my third. It was December and the store was mobbed. By the time I got to the checkout, I was in dire need of a nap and in no mood for polite conversation. The clerk didn't seem to grasp that. She looked up from the register and audibly gasped, "You're sure you don't have an elephant in there? You're HUGE!"

So, I punched her in the face and left.

OK, not really, but I wanted to. Badly. Some things are better just left unsaid to an expectant mom. Things like this:

1. You look like you're about to explode! Really? I had no idea. I was feeling quite svelte today. Thanks for the earth shattering observation.

2. Can I touch your belly? Sure! It's totally acceptable to grope a stranger's body. Why not feel me up, too, while you're at it?

3. You can't possibly have X months left! Wow! You know so much about this! I should just quit going to my OB and come straight to you!

4. Are you sure you don't have twins in there? Yes, I'm pretty sure I would be aware if I were carrying two babies. But, thanks for checking.

5. Are you going to breastfeed? And ... this impacts you how?? DId you want to taste the milk?

6. You are absolutely having a boy/girl. Really? You want to see the ultrasound? Take your old wives tales and shove 'em.

7. Should you be eating/drinking that? Should you be allowed to speak?

8. Are you happy? Well, no. I'm terrified out of my mind. But do you really want to know that? What a stupid question.

9. Did you plan this? Do I look like I planned this? And, mind your own damn business.

10. Wow! You're going to have your hands full! I'm going to jump off a bridge now. Thanks.

 

What's wrong with people?! Did you hear any whoppers while pregnant? Let's hear them!