This week we're exploring the many ways you can completely devastate your children by giving them terrible names. I know. Seven years ago you thought that naming your kid something unique would make them stand out, so you called her "Madison," and then everyone else named their kid Madison, and so now you're looking for a name so unique that no one else would ever choose it, except that the reason they'll never choose it is because it's stupid. You're not doing anyone any favors here.
I understand the quandary. My sister just had her fourth kid last week and she'd used up all the names she liked on the first three kids so this last one ended up with the middle name of Elora, which is a beautiful name but it's also deliberately lifted from the movie Willow. I suggested to my sister that when you're at the point when you're naming your children after characters from Val Kilmer movies, maybe it's time to stop. Then she assured me that number four was her last one because she didn't want to end up with a kid named "Goose," but that "Iceman did have a nice ring to it" and I was all "Dude. 'Iceman' is the name of that serial killer who brutally murdered hundreds of people. You know what? You aren't allowed to name children anymore." She didn't protest. Probably because she was too busy taking care of her second youngest who I'm reasonably sure was named after the main character in Twilight. Then she pointed out that I'd unintentionally given my daughter the initials "HEL" and that my own name (Jenny) is the formal definition of "a female jack-ass," so maybe I'm not really in a good position to be so damn judgmental. She has a point.
I've met a lot of people with terrible names (Jennerfer, Quntilla, and Mister are my personal favorites) but I thought I'd poll Twitter to find out which names really stuck out as being truly unfortunate to them. I want to be very clear that if you have any of these names, I am not making fun of you. I'm making fun of your parents, who might be high right now. And who you should probably be forcibly emancipated from. I asked my readers on Twitter to share the most horrific names of people they know and they did not disappoint me. Prepare yourself:
"My dad named my sisters Xena and Trinity, after fictional characters. If Trinity was a boy, he totally planned to name him Neo. He thinks The Matrix is a documentary. I share this man's DNA."
"There was a person in the San Antonio phone book in the early ‘80s named Weldon Rumproast."
"There was a man named Lord where I worked. It was really hard to send him emails."
"I used to work with twins called Girleen and Pearleen. GIRLEEN. AND PEARLEEN."
"Went to school with a boy whose sister's name was ‘Babygirl' -- Mom said hospital named her."
"I had a student named Nimrod. Is that horrific enough? Probably became a badass."
"Placenta. I swear to God. That. Actually. Happened."
"I work with two sisters whose names are Ivory and Sno. Their last name is White. Because of course it is."
"At the hospital birthing my son, a girl had just named her daughter Felony. Seriously."
"A girl named T9cy graduated with my brother. Worked with a nurse that named her daughter Dysphagia (a swallowing disorder)."
"I know a mother who named her daughter Meconium ... a baby's first poo."
"I knew a guy named ‘Hi.' Seriously, that was his given name. I never knew whether to say hi, hey, or hello when I saw him."
"I have all y'all beat. At my high school, there was a girl named Leukemia."
"Some guy on my ex-company email list is named Ho Mo."
"I ran across a gentleman whose first name was ‘General.'"
"I knew someone named Merry Christmas Smith."
"My roommate was in kindergarten with ‘Pajamas.'"
"There's a girl in my office named Sharmonica."
"Latrina. It's Italian for ‘bathroom.'"
"My mom went to high school with an Asian kid named ‘Peter Pan.' His Dad did it on purpose and thought it was funny."
"Most horrific baby name? Holden Hiscock -- no joke, real person."
"Most horrific? Mordecai BREEZEBLOCK."
"I once met two sisters named Daquiri and Brandy, but Daquiri was something like 'Dakiri,' which just made it that much worse."
"A woman working at a bank here is Nova Kane."
"I had a little girl in my preschool class named Tiereney. She was a horror ... you get what you pay for."
"First name Ashe, last name Hoal. Like Coal. Yeah."
"Most horrific: Awesome. They named their baby girl ‘Awesome.'"
"I went to school with a Justice, Precious, Success, Fanny & a Cinderella. They're all boys."
"I've worked with more than one Queen, a few Princesses, and with Beauty, Friday, Gift, and Tractor. True as Bob."
"My mother worked with a woman named Vagina (vah-geena). Yeah. She went by Geena."
"Farquair McArthur, but it was in Scotland so everyone pronounced it FAHRK-er."
"My old janitor was named Richard Boob ... as in, Dick Boob. For a 13-year -old that was comedy gold."
"I knew a Freakus Pelekus (it rhymes) when I was growing up. No joke."
"I can do you one better. Dad's urologist was Dr. Ballcheck."
"I knew a woman named UT. She was named for the University of Texas."
"I know a kid named Master. When I met him, all I could think was, ‘Oh God, what if he wants to join debate club?'"
"Taught swimming to a kid named ‘Carstairs.' On a related note, am thinking ‘Boatgarage' for next baby."
"I know a guy named David who named his son Harley, so when asked to identify himself, he could say, ‘Harley, David's son'."
"Horrific: Shamontreal after 'the country in Canada.' Knowing the mom, it's impressive she knew Canada & Montreal were related. She had a sister named Shantartica."
"Went to school with a girl named ‘Marijuana Pepsi Jackson.'"
"I had a woman who applied at my bookstore who was named ‘Sparkle.' Really. I can't make that shit up."
"My favorite aunt: Leotha Zola Slagowski. Awesome."
"My great-aunt Bubba's christened name was Beulah Wonderbell."
"We had a student named Yhorhighness (your highness) and his sister was Urmajesty (your majesty) at my last school."
"Have relatives (siblings) named Ronya, Donya, Tonya, Sonya, and Rocky. #wtf"
"We had a kid named Whoopi Vasquez in class once."
"Most horrific name would have to be a guy my wife knew in KY named Turley. Horrific because his last name was Curd."
"I knew a T. She was a police officer in Georgia. She had a sister named Q."
"My friend's mom is a OB nurse. How about 'Heavenly Angle'? Yes, they were informed of the typo. Kept it."
"Oh, I can beat that. Ready? My friend met a woman at the bus stop whose daughter's name was ... wait for it ... ATROCITY."
"My cousin named her child ‘Nemesis.' Yeah. Nice."
"When I was pregnant NYT ran an article on bad names that included 'Ogre,' but the worst I've met was in son's class: ‘Anomaly.'"
"My little Bro went to school with a girl named Cholera."
"Friend of a friend is named Guy Richard Sack."
"I have a cuz named Dub. Full name? W. Youngest of several, all starting with W. They ran out of names. Welcome to the Ozarks!"
"Knew a kid in HS named Scooby. His mom was still looped on demerol when she named him."
"I work with a girl named Chattara. Like the Thundercat."
"Worst ever? Ex husband went to school with a Titsalina. Her last name was Belmsquatch. Swear. To. God."
"My great grandfather's given name was Doctor, middle name Lumpkin. Did they call him Doc? Nope. They called him Lump."
"I also met a kid named 'Doctor' after the Dr. who delivered him. I think the MD didn't want Mom to have his real name."
"Friend worked with a woman whose daughter's name was Menageatrois. I shit you not."
"There was a little boy named Trailer at a party my kid was attending. Left me speechless."
"Guy at my office is named 'Kshitz.' Another is called 'Semen.' Not kidding."
"I used to work with a guy who had his name legally changed to ‘Mister Ooh-la-la.' No joke. He was on Springer once."
"The star football player at my son's HS last year was named SirGregory. That was his first name. SirGregory."
"One of my college roomies was 'dahaisy' -- pronounced just the way it's spelled, 3 syllables. Fail."
"When I was in high school I wanted to name my daughter Tether. Thank goodness I got a dictionary before I got a baby."
"I went to college with a girl named Tackila. I assumed it was pronounced tak-eye-lah. She corrected me. It was Tequila."
"I know a guy named 'F.' (True story.) His parents were minimalists."
"We have a family friend named Cash Register."
"Decision. Satchel. Delicious. Luxurious. ALL TRUE. Luxurious was a boy."
"I knew a girl named Spontanious -- spelled like that. No good."
"I have a student named Joytotheworld. No lie. That's her first name."
"My father taught a girl named Travesty. I wonder if her mother owned a dictionary."
"I had an aunt named Genitalia. We called her Aunt Gen."
"I went to school with a guy named 84. As in the number 84. His middle name was ‘South.'"
"I know a guy named ‘Potato Chips.' He showed me his passport."