For something that 15 to 20 percent of pregnant women deal with, there's nothing like a miscarriage to make you feel completely alone.
Simply put: no one talks about it.
Not the other pregnant women who are afraid of rubbing in their good fortune. Not the other people who have never been there and just don't know what to say. And certainly not the moms, who are somewhere along the grief process and simply trying to get through the day.
Today, we end that. Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a day when miscarriage is coming out from the doctor's office and the bedroom. It's being talked about today, and The Stir has found out what to say to a woman to help her through the process.
Jenn Desrochers, mom of four who blogs at Momma D and Da Boyz, suffered a miscarriage between sons Seth and Gabriel. She's open about the loss, she says, because "I don't mind talking about it to help someone spare another's feelings."
Desrochers offers these tips on what to say to a mom when she's going through the grieving process:
1. Don't Ignore It: "For me it was to say SOMETHING instead of leaving it as the elephant in the room. At the time I was in a moms' group and several others were pregnant, rather than to touch on a sensitive subject, they sent me flowers that just simply said 'we are sorry.' Did the trick too."
2. Offer an Option: "Ask if there is anything to do to help, but have a suggestion ready. Like would you like me to drop off dinner? Or I was wondering if you would like me to take your child to the park? Afterward, the day-to-day stuff is hard. And if you say the standard 'is there anything I can do,' you will probably just get the 'no, I'm OK' response. Whether or not they are actually OK."
3. Don't Push: "Meet them where they're at. Whatever they're feeling right now, they're feeling. Don't trivialize those feelings. And don't take offense if your calls or attempts to help or chat are rebuffed. They might just need a little more time to process and handle everything."
More From The Stir: How to Comfort a Friend Who Survived a Miscarriage
4. Be Honest: "The best things I heard were either 'I've been there too,' since so many women have and no one talks about it, or 'I know I can't understand, but I am sorry' for those who haven't."
5. Don't Disappear: "Just because they don't want to talk or socialize right now doesn't mean never. Maybe in a week or so try again. The worst feeling is to feel like you have the plague and people are avoiding you."
Have you had a miscarriage? What helped you through it?
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