Don't Name Your Kids After Celebrity Babies

Megan Van Schaick

boy dressed as supermanI'm not sure why I didn't make the connection sooner, but I was scanning my celeb gossip the other day and a story about Pete Wentz came up. I've always thought their baby name choice a little Jungle Bookish. And then it hit me.

Their son shares a name with my dog.

For the record, my Bronx was born long before jungle boy over there. Still, a celeb baby (any baby!) shares a name with my ... dog.

This is a problem.

Naming kids after places is nothing new -- Dakota, Cheyenne -- but Bronx Mowgli? You give him a tough first name and a Disney character middle name? Recess is gonna be a lot of fun come middle school.

I reviewed several other celebrity baby names and came up with a few "guidelines" that should be considered.

Please do not name your child after:

Food -- Heads up, Gwynnie. Fruit names bring to mind Cherry from Grease. They are cutesy and fruity and they don't stand the test of time. Your kid is stuck with that name for a good 80 years, and when she applies to that high-powered law firm, they probably won't give her a second look.

Household Objects -- Poor little Camera Ashe. Her dad was Arthur Ashe, a tennis star, and her mother was a photographer, but still. I'm sure that Satchel Seamus is likewise unamused with dad Woody Allen's choice to name him after a schlumpy bag (just like him). And do we even need to mention poor little Blanket?

Illegal Drugs -- You cannot name your child Bogart Che Peyote. You just can't, it doesn't matter if you were famous for a year on MTV. Real World Puck's poor child has a name that is related to smoking pot, a famous revolutionary, and another illegal drug? I pity the kid when he gets old enough to really misbehave, because he'll be the laughing stock of his dealer and the cops alike.

Superheroes -- Sorry, Kal-el, your dad (Nic Cage) was so obsessed with comic books that he not only changed his own name, but saddled you with that monstrosity. Take heart though, you aren't the only one: Kevin Smith named his daughter Harley Quinn. Come on guys, you aren't naming dolls here. Display your affection for comics in your neatly sleeved, perfectly stacked collection, not on your kids.

The Disaffected -- Racer, Rebel, Rogue, Pirate ... the first three can be attributed to director Robert Rodriguez, while Pirate has only Jonathan Davis of Korn to blame. We all love X-Men and Johnny Depp, but it's another thing entirely to name your children after them. Racer is the name of your toy horse, not your son.

Dollar Store Rejects -- Dusti Raine, Keelee Breeze -- don't these sound like ultra-cheap dollar store body sprays? Of course, no one ever said Vanilla Ice had taste. And Bono ... Memphis Eve? Really? Do you know what anything ending in Eve makes people think of?

What do you think of these names?

Image via Scott Feldstein/Flickr

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