I don't trust people who enjoy pregnancy.
Okay, okay. I'm not saying that I don't like them -- some of my closest friends loved all nine months -- I'm just saying that I don't trust them.
What on earth is there to like about pregnancy, exactly? I mean, sure, the end result is glorious (sometimes), but pregnancy? Pregnancy is pure hell. There is simply something wrong with people who can not only grin and bear it, but glow. It's just not healthy.
Need more? Let's discuss the joys:
1. The morning sickness. With me, it was more like 'round the clock sickness. I puked everywhere, on everything. Streets, the sink, the car, my bed ... I had no control at all. It's a marvel that I still managed to gain 60 pounds each time. Go, me!
2. The loss of all bladder control. It's bad enough to have to pee all the time, but it's a whole other thing to not be able to control when you do pee. Urine control is especially difficult while vomiting. See above.
3. The heartburn. I had never before experienced this sensation and it's pure hell. I thought I was dying.
4. The swelling. Oh, my poor feet! My poor hands. My poor everything.
5. The hormones. I'm not normally an emotional person, but when I'm expecting? I'm a total and complete mess. It's funny! It's tragic! Love me! Leave me alone! I exhausted even myself.
6. The sleeping. Being totally and completely exhausted but not being able to fall asleep is a special kind of torture.
7. The strangers. Normally, people do not walk up to you and offer unsolicited advice. They don't touch your stomach or tell tales of their experiences or ask what you plan on doing with your breasts. Why do these things suddenly become acceptable?
8. The sex. It's like some sort of horrible sci-fi movie. I still haven't fully recovered.
9. The feeling that a baby is about to fall out of your vagina. Remember that feeling? For the last few weeks the pressure is unbearable. I literally walked like I was holding a melon in my thighs. It was quite a sight.
And last but not least:
10. Um ... hello? Childbirth! If you think the grossness ends with your first contraction, you are sorely mistaken. Childbirth is pretty much the grossest thing ever. And, if you disagree on that, I really don't trust you.
So, what did I miss? What did you find miserable?
And, if you truly loved pregnancy, please share with me your secrets. Or drug of choice. I'll take either.