Me at 30 weeks.
Me at 30 weeks.The other day when my husband and I were out for a walk with our 8-month-old twins, a man asked us: Twins? We did the nod and smile. Then he said: Congrats! Two in one shot, and one of each! You're done!
We get this a lot. And while my husband happily shakes his head yes, I feel sad. I have two incredible babies, yes. But I have only went through one pregnancy. It was an experience I want to have again.
Realistically I am an old mom -- of advanced maternal age -- and it wasn't easy for me to even get pregnant in the first place. Though for the record, I do not think 36 is too old to have kids. Oops, I'm 37. (Damn, maybe I am that old, I forget how old I am!)
I loved being pregnant even though my husband laughs at this and reminds me how miserable I was for a lot of it. I had all day sickness, hemorrhoids, heartburn, acne and acid reflux worse than normal, very swollen feet, the infamous nose spread, and I gained 58 pounds. But it was still magic. Pure, amazing, motherly magic. There were very beautiful moments, moments where I had never felt more beautiful, and seeing my belly grow and eventually feeling the babies kick and move around made for some of the best times in my life.
I also can't help but feel that maybe I want another shot at pregnancy, and mostly, at birth is because I developed severe preeclampsia coupled with HELLP syndrome, which put our lives in danger. I had an emergency c-section and didn't get to have that miracle vaginal twin birth I so very much wanted. I know this is how my babies had to come into the world, and I am thankful for the fast-thinking nurses who saw that I was feeling dizzy, was abnormally sweating (soaking my hospital gown), and had a fast-rising blood pressure during labor. My liver enzymes were elevated, platelet count was down, and I had to be given drugs to avoid seizure.
Right before the most amazing moment in my life, I was on medication that impaired my ability to emote, to really feel. I needed them, though, and I get that, but I would love another chance. A chance to use all I learned about Hypnobirthing, a chance to feel the baby crowning, feel the baby in my hands and nurse him right after he enters the world, a chance to birth the placenta and not have it taken away in a plastic box for medical evaluation.
Having a third child would also be financially difficult, but I've already made peace with the fact that nothing is going to be financially easy unless Carlos Slim Helu dies and is revealed to be my father, so why fret about it.
And I also feel lucky I had two babies because I have two -- what if I couldn't ever become pregnant again? Believe me, I am beyond grateful for what I have. But the one downside to having twins for your first pregnancy is that it may be your last pregnancy.
Pregnancy, even the roughest parts, is a beautiful time. And aside from these 8 months I've spent with my twins since they arrived, it was the most incredible 8 months of my life. Why wouldn't I want to experience it again? But sadly, I probably won't.
Do you ever feel this way? Do you miss pregnancy when you are not pregnant? Do you take the time to realize how amazing pregnancy is when you are pregnant?