Pregnancy is a cruel bitch.
You're waddling along, munching your Saltines, when suddenly you get a glimpse of your enlarging tuchas in the mirror.
Is that? Wait? What?
Oh pregnancy, you left an interstate road map on my ass. And my stomach too -- but at least I could see that coming.
The thing about stretchmarks: they make no sense.
Some women gain 50 pounds with their babies and walk out with a belly as pure as the driven snow.
Some maintain that twiggy figure right up to till to sport a bitty pooch at the bitter end, and they're riddled with red.
I'm not going to tell you how to keep them at bay -- because if your genes are fixing for a fight, they're coming hell or high octane cocoa butter bath.
But here's where to look:
1. Your Butt. My husband loves me so much he declined to tell me there were silvery marks creating a natural tramp stamp on my back. Then there was that mirror. Mine are just above, but friends report stretchmarks on the actual cheeks and/or stretching from just below the cheeks onto the thighs.
2. Your Thighs. If you don't already have these from puberty, check your inner and outer thighs both for new lines.
3. Your Boobs. Always an A and suddenly engorged? Milk comes in so quickly the skin has to go somewhere. Think of it this way, your scene would automatically be cut from Girls Gone Wild, so you don't have to worry about your one drunken night away from the kids being on your father-in-law's TV.
4. Your Hips. They have to go somewhere to make it easier to push baby out, and now those bones are popping out your skin.
5. Your Sides. New lines stretching up and down were something you never expected -- what's getting bigger there? But it happens more than you'd expect.
6. Your Tummy. This is the big one. Your stomach is stretching like crazy to make room for this basketball, so what do you expect to happen? It's natural! But don't make any bikini plans until it's all over.
Now for the really bad news. You may think you've had smooth sailing -- but just wait until you pop baby out.
That's when the real elastic test begins -- sometimes skin bounces back, and sometimes your road map is crepey.
Are you worried about stretchmarks?
Image via BarelyFitz/Flickr