Tweets From the Womb

Amy Keyishian

One knows not what to say: A new product called the Kickbee Tummy Tweeter fits into a belt worn round a preggie’s middle. It senses movement and sends a tweet reading, “I kicked Mommy at 9:01 pm on Mon, July 19!” The location is even listed as “from the womb.” Too public? You can just have them texted to his phone. Still too ... something? I know!
Bottom line: I need my husband to jump when I text him. Like, when I’m putting our toddler to sleep and then find myself trapped under her sleeping bulk. Or I really, really need Nubi. Or I've lost my mucous plug. If his phone’s going to buzz every time Birdie nudges my pancreas, he’s going to tune it out faster than you can say, “Ray Romano.”

But it did get me wondering: What if my soon-to-arrive baby has already inherited my social-networking tendencies -- and really could tweet from the womb? I think it’d go something ... a-like this ...

I could totally go for a frozen yogurt right now. I mean MY MOM could! Totally not thinking of myself.
about 1 hour ago via fallopiantweet
If yes, I’m not coming out. RT @Hollysbaby: Why do they assume that just because we’re kicking, we like what they just ate? Do they kick their waitresses?
about 1 hour ago via fallopiantweet

Taking Control of Your Fertility #booksthatchangedmyworld
about 1 hour ago from fallopiantweet

I just unlocked the “Heartburn” badge on @foursquare!
about 2 hours ago via foursquare
Who, me? Nothin’ much, just resting my butt on this stomach, why?
about 2 hours ago via foursquare
@madfoot My head’s down and I’m dropping as fast as I can. Did I tell you to wait till your forties to have me, whiney-pants?
about 2 hours ago in reply to @madfoot
I love my placenta and everything, but I think it’s reading my diary.
about 3 hours ago from fallopiantweet

@randyhauser seriously tell mom to drink something. Sheesh. I’ve drunk the same pee like three times already.
about 3 hours ago from fallopiantweet

@madfoot was that a contraction, or are you rocking my sister to sleep? Either way, drink a glass of fizzy water stat.
about 4 hours ago from fallopiantweet
about 5 hours ago from fallopiantweet
Lol I can’t wait to be born so I can spit up on @RealJeffreyRoss.
About 6 hours ago from fallopiantweet
That’s the last of my laguno. Thank goodness, I felt like a Wookie. Can’t greet my public in a hair suit.
About 6 hours ago from fallopiantweet
Let’s take a vote: should I come out with a caul just to freak @madfoot out? Followup: is there a way to sneak a clown nose in here? #fetalcomedy
About 7 hours ago from fallopiantweet

What would your kid tweet? Tell us in comments!

Image via Twitter

Read More