The Pregnant Life: 4 Strange Symptoms

Amy Keyishian
11

I Really Heart Epidurals
I've earned this shirt, people.
Okay, as I enter Week 32 I have a few questions and would love to draw from the pool of experience here. Because as I've noted, I'm in uncharted territory all of a sudden, and I don't know what's normal. In a way it doesn't matter, because it's what I have to deal with regardless, but still: The questions, they come. Maybe you can answer them.

1. Is there a secret technique to rolling over?

I know I'm supposed to lie on … uh … one side rather than the other, but I seem to wake up every three hours totally unable to sleep unless I flip to the other side. At this point, the process is very much how I would imagine a cross between a blue whale and a flounder would flop on the deck of a ship, specifically a ship with a 400-thread-count paisley deck. I did finally figure out that grabbing the headboard* will give me some leverage, and my long-suffering husband seems to have learned how to stick his arm up in the air to help me without fully waking up. Still. If you ever saw The Simpsons episode where Lisa imagines her life if she married to Ralph Wiggum and asked one of her kids for her "turnin' stick," you have a picture of me trying to flop over in bed. Halp.

2. Is waking up every two hours a sign?

Annoyingly and infuriatingly, the response is "oh, you are just getting ready for what's coming!" To which I say: AS IF you can be prepared for THAT! Anywho, doesn't that only happen the last couple of weeks? How early does that happen for you guys? Is it hormonal, pee-related, pain-related, or all of the above? Or something else? Penelope used to eat every three hours, literally like clockwork, which is why we started calling her "our little pot roast." Now I feel like I sleep in pot roasts. I should set bread to rise, punch it down every time I wake up, and bake it in the morning. (NB: If any of you actually do that, I will punch YOU down every time I wake up.)

3. Heartburn. Does it suck or what?

Mine is actually not terrible, but I've never had it before, so eugh.

4. What's up with my hip/thigh/crotch pain?

The other night, this was so bad that I got up and did some yoga hip-opening exercises, and it helped a bit. I've been doing a lot of these, but I still can't believe the stiffness in my hips -- getting up to pee at 3 a.m., I lurch forward like a bloated plank, pivoting each leg forward like Peter Sellers yelling, "Mein fuhrer, I can walk!" in Dr. Strangelove (Anyone? Anyone??). Anyway, the question: What other fixes might there be, other than more hip-openers and, you know, giving birth? Do tell.

In other news, remember my post on how much I love the I Heart Epidural T-shirts? I had ordered one before I realized this was the only post that had garnered some negative comments. Now I'm looking at it and wondering if I'll have the nerve to wear it outside the house, or if I have to save it for my go-bag and wear it at the hospital, pointing frantically to it when anyone asks me for my birth plan. When did I get so thin-skinned?

Anyway, that was a rhetorical question … mostly I want to know what you guys think of the other stuff. Any and all advice is appreciated!

*This is not my preferred reason for grabbing the headboard.


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