Photo by Stephanie Dennis
The results came in last Saturday. I wish I could tell you that we're celebrating good news. That we received the longed-for phone call. But we didn't.
We were informed that the results were a BFN (big fat negative).
In spite of all that science, all those hormones, all those embryos placed just so, we're still right where we started (minus a chunk of change). Folks, I think the best way to put is that this f-ing sucks.
That last week of the IVF cycle ... waiting for the results ... was hell. I have to put this in perspective. I realize it's not the same kind of hell as, say, a loved one being gravely ill. Or having some kind of debilitating condition befall you. Or living in a war-torn country. But as anyone trying to conceive (TTC) knows, it's its own special hell: A toxic cocktail of disappointment, fear, anger, bewilderment, envy, desperation, longing, and sadness. And the longer you've been at it, the stronger the mix.
I've had a few days to sit with the results and they've been filled with bursting tears, grim thoughts of defeat, and a kind of numbness. But I can feel myself slowly coming back. Slowly starting to feel there's still hope. Gradually rebuilding my courage. AGAIN. I try to focus on the positives. We still have another round of IVF to do. This last cycle was encouraging (per my doctor). And then there's my husband, who has been so sweet and amazing. And my friends! Their belief and support keeps me sane.
It's strange how the idea of actually getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and having a healthy child is starting to feel surreal to me. Elusive, like some kind of fairy tale. I see other couples doing this all the time, but picturing myself getting good news, finding out the sex, picking names with my husband, painting a bedroom, having a baby shower, and all the other great stuff that ensues is starting to feel like some kind of fantasy. And that makes me really sad.
We all have challenges to deal with. We're all going to know tough times. I think it's your perspective that can make or break you, and however powerless I am in this situation, I do get to choose how I live with it. I'm trying pretty damn hard to stay positive and keep my chin up, but there are moments when this just completely kicks my ass. When I feel like Humpty Dumpty.
When I wake up in the middle of the night and get stuck in crazy brain, I know it's time for a gratitude prayer. This pretty much always helps. Because no matter how my TTC journey plays out ... and I pray that we're blessed with the chance to have a child and be parents ... I know I'm blessed in so many other ways. And miracles do happen.