Flickr photo by o0karen0oThere's post circling around the web called 5 Reasons Dads Should Demand a Doula that everyone in the pregnancy blog circle is passing around. Moms are constantly raving about the benefits of doulas, but it's rare to read the man's perspective.
And this writer is big-time in favor of them too. Some of the reasons he says dads should demand a doula include giving weary fathers time to rest, helping them to remember vital instructions forgotten in childbirth class, and keeping dads calm.
Well, yaaa! Why the hell wouldn't dads demand a doula? Doulas help dads do absolutely nothing.
Let's look at the facts from the actual post:
Example One:
Thirty hours into my wife’s first labor and I was toast. I’d been up walking with her for what seemed like days. There wasn’t any sleeping for me. I was physically tired and mentally shot. The doula really helped me out. With my wife’s blessing, that 30-minute nap I caught helped me to refocus and be back on my game for the big event.
Poor baby! No nighty-night for him, except for that nice, pain-free, restful 30-minute nap. Try NOT sleeping while ALSO writhing in agony and being stuck, prodded, invaded, chastised, and wetting your pants. It's your wife who's the blessing because she's a lot nicer than I would've been.
Example Two:
A nurse or a tech would come in and ask us if we wanted something, like a procedure or a medication. I had no clue. Our doula would very calmly ask questions of them to make the decision that matched what we wanted. She even reminded us that we could take some time alone to make a decision. That turned out to be a real blessing.
Well, maybe you should, like, get a clue? Women do enough carrying the baby, going to all those appointments, and losing a whole Sunday registering for baby shower gifts. Least the guy can do is be required to take a childbirth course that forces him to remember all this information, including homework, quizzes, and a final exam that he must pass or agree to become a Baby Care Slave, including diapers, 3 a.m. wake-ups, and laundry for an entire year.
Example Three:
Labor was so hard. And that’s just how it felt to me. Our doula would smile at me from across my wife on the birth ball as if she had read my mind. Her calm smile helped me focus again on loving on my wife and keeping her calm. She showed me how and where to touch, she modeled how to behave quietly and efficiently, and she made me the star in my wife’s eyes.
Why is an episode of Little House on the Prairie popping into my head? Or one of those Ivory Merchant films where the midwife or doctor sequesters Dad away in a room with a bottle of Scotch and a handkerchief to wipe the worry sweat from his head while the wife risks her life in the other room? Yeah, the writer is there in the room, but is he really there? If the doula has to smile at him to calm him down, he's just plain in the way.
All this post says to me is that we're going back to a time when a father's job ended with conception and he bore very little responsibility in the actual birthing process at all.
This might not be fair. I didn't have a doula for either of my children's births. When I finally learned what doulas were years later, I used to think it would've been good to have one, at least for my first labor. That one was a bitch. My second one was painful but fast and textbook.
All in all, I think my husband did an excellent job helping me through both of them, questions, comfort, and all, and he didn't even get a nap.
Moms need support in labor, that's a fact, and when they can't get it from their friend or partner, a doula is a godsend.
But I'm sorry, Mr. Blessings, I know you meant well and were trying to be helpful, but I'm not letting you off quite as easy.
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Comments 16
Amen! My friend noted that my husband had the good grace not to complain after my labor :).
Ouch. I think you're being hard on the dads. Sure they aren't doing the work, but labor is a big deal for them too. I was quite happy a doula was there for my husband to help him out - he was able to relax and be a better support for me by having someone there who knew what they were doing.
haha... I made my husband nap during both of our babies.( My third is from a previous relationship.) We went with the same practice both times. The first doctor being a lovely, soft spoken woman, who mildly guided me through. He was shocked at how easy it was.
The second Doctor was a drill sargeant, who for some reason wanted me to be angry. He got shoved out of the way by a ridiculous amount of onlookers, and I was too focused on giving birth to notice. We could have used someone looking out for him, as he missed the birth entirely. he thought all the people were there because there was something wrong...they were just having a class,
You are being so close-minded in how you phrased this article. Dads are allowed to get exhaused, they are allowed to forget things, they are allowed to have emotions about birth. They experience birth in a different way then women do, and if having a doula relieves their stress so that they can focus on their wife and enjoy the experience, then why would you write about this in such a negative way?
In addition, just because YOUR husband didn't seem to need or want a doula, why would you assume that choice would be right for every couple by implying that the men are lazy if they choose a doula? Please, before you write about anything else, try looking at the issue from both sides.
Honestly - this article doesn't give an accurate description at all about what a doula can offer to a family. And it's terribly hard on dads! All families are different and hire a doula for different reasons. How about the first time dads that are super hands on - but just haven't a clue about what to do?! I've been able to show dads how to support mom in different laboring positions and how to use a rebozo and help with massage for pain management. They're grateful to have someone there to show them how they can be even more of a support to their wife! Hardly an excuse to tap out of the birth experience. The majority of men I've worked with were hands on, extremely supportive of their partner and excited to actively be apart of the birth.
It would have been nice to see you do some research and talk to parents who have used a doula before running to the assumption that we give dad's an easy way out. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
The one thing you forgot is if you gave birth in a time before doulas then you also gave birth in a time before massive inductions and other over the top medical interference. Unfortunately it has gotten to the point where a family needs an advocate to distill what is a necessary intervention and what is a cover you A medical procedure. You can't expect a dad to develope enough expertise to fend off some the cascade of interventions.
our fabulous doula was not a way for my husband to get out of "work" during labor... she was there to help him figure out what to do. without her, i would have been screaming at him because i didn't even know what i wanted, but my doula with years of experience, 2 kids of her own. she showed him what to do and backed off. she did not do the work for him. how is my husband supposed to know which way to rub a woman who is screaming in agony to make her feel instantly better?
"maybe you should, like, get a clue?" ....really?? my husband's job during labor was to be "one with me' or whatever i wanted at the moment. when the hospital staff tells us that i HAVE to have an IV, it is hospital policy... without a doula we would have caved and allowed it. doula stepped in and absolutely infuriated the nurse by asking for written proof of such policy and blah whatever.. i was too busy contracting to think. thank god for my doula. if my husband had to step in, he wouldn't have been so polite about it and probably would have ended up getting booted out the hospital. the doula didn't mind pissing any staff member off, as long as i was as comfortable as i could be. i didn't have to have the IV, or any other stupid things the staff tried to tell me i had to have.
doulas rock. they help the mother and child as well as the partner. my birth was beautiful and amazing and we owe that to our doula.
I've got to say, I just finished my doula training this weekend, and this article is as out of touch with reality as it gets. Others have been so spot on with their replies, that none are needed of me. All I can really is that you, writer, are the one who needs to get a clue.
you can't seriously be deluded enough to think that a man, going through birth for the first time after taking a 12-hour class, is going to know EVERYTHING and remember EVERYTHING that a doula does after 40+ hours of training, many having birthed at least once before, and countless hours of experience supporting birthing women....can you?!
My doula could tell what I needed without asking, she would then suggest to my husband what he could do to help me. My husband is introverted and definitely not a mind-reader. He didn't get out of any work, he didn't get any extra rest, but he did help me more with someone there telling him what I needed. The doula couldn't make it to my second birth and my husband only remembered a fraction of what he had been directed to do the first time.
I wanted to doula for ME, not for my husband. She remembered all the different positions I could try to alleviate this or that, she rubbed parts of my body in ways that my husband hasn't been taught since he's not a certified massage therapist like she is, she said all the right things that only a woman knows how to say to another woman.
Since the beginning of time, women have helped women birth. Only in the last 150 years did men take over the roll of doctor instead of midwife, and then just 30 years ago, men were allowed in the delivery room. Why would we expect a man to learn what I woman knows intuitively?
Yours is a horribly uneducated interpretation of what a doula can do for you and your partner. A doctor is there for the baby, a nurse is there for the doctor, the only person with EXTENSIVE knowledge of birth, who is there to make sure the mother gets the birth she wants is the doula. Unless you trust your husband for an unassisted birth, you must admit that your husband doesn't know everything, so why would you put so much responsibility in his hands? Your husband can take a class or two, read a couple books, but that's about it. I'll take the doula, who's JOB it is to know about what I'm going through.