I Had a Miscarriage

23

young couple posing for camera

Photo by MarineWifeyy

We met Taryn (MarineWifeyy on CafeMom) when she was 6 weeks pregnant. She'd been planning to share her nine-month experience with us here on The Stir. But she learned she miscarried around the same time her first pregnancy calendar post, in which she talked about how happy she was about the new life inside her, appeared.

Here, she concludes the journey that ended way too soon:

 

"February 23, 2010 was the day before my birthday, and the day I found out I miscarried. I had been having cramps the week before and I was scared, but after a couple days of cramps with no bleeding I felt better.

"The next morning, my 18th birthday. I had pink spotting and I broke down. I woke my fiance up and we both stayed home that day. He didn't want to take me to the ER yet because the spotting was light. As the day progressed, the bleeding got worse and was accompanied by horrible pains in my pelvic area.

"We called my dad to tell him we were going to the hospital. Unfortunately, this was the first he'd heard of the pregnancy. I hadn't told him yet. We were waiting to break the news on my birthday. I hated making this phone call. This was the second time I've miscarried, and he found out the same way both times. This time he said he already knew and he was very supportive.

"When we got to the hospital it took forever to get help. Once inside, they ran a bunch of tests and then the waiting began. My human chorionic gonadotropic (hCG) level (the pregnancy hormone, which is supposed to get higher not lower the further into pregnancy you are) was 130 at six weeks. I knew that was way too low. But they did not consider that a "complete" miscarriage, rather a "threatened" miscarriage and booked me for a follow up the coming week.

"I knew in my heart what was happening, but grasped a false sense of hope to try to keep myself together until I knew for sure. I'd only bled mildly for four days and I never passed a clot, so I really convinced myself that everything was fine.

"When I went for my follow up, they  told me my levels hCG level was at 0. I lost all feeling, went completely numb. I'm still numb, I don't want to feel it. I have blocked myself from feeling these horrible emotions for the second time. I want to get pregnant again, but I'm scared of losing a third baby.

"We're just gonna let nature take its course and whatever happens, happens.

"May my angel babies rest in peace: 6-17-08 and 2-23-10."

Do you ever fully recover from the loss of a miscarriage? How did you feel days, weeks, years afterward?

1st trimester, miscarriage & loss

23 Comments

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lovin... lovinangels

I'm so sorry. I've had two beautiful girls since my miscarriage, and reading this, it feels like yesterday.

Cafe... Cafe MicheleZ

I am so sorry. Big hugs to you.

CuddlesK CuddlesK

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've have a miscarriage before you never get over it but it does get easier and pain and grief lessen. Often I wonder what coulld have been. God doesn't make mistake He let us know when it is right gor you and for HIM. I hope you don't get give trying. Take the names of the children or if you have not pick out names, write down "Baby boy or girl" and the last name put them in the Bible in the 23rd Psalms, read the 23rd Psalms and exhale. Forgive yourself. Let Go and Let GOD. Love always a stranger with a kind word.

jennm... jennmarie77

Big hugs to you. I suffered a miscarriage 8 years ago. It was the worst day in my life, I think. Then I got pregnant a couple of months ago after trying for two years and I was estatic yet petrified all at once because the day I tested was the day I started spotting. 2 weeks later I miscarried again. My first one I ended up with a D&C because the baby had died at 8 weeks and I didn't know until I was 11 weeks. This one I experienced the whole effects and it was horrible. I just got my Hcg levels back yesterday and they're at 0 now. I'm not sure if I want to try again because I don't want to face another miscarriage, but in the mean time I'm treasuring the two sons I have. If you need to talk, send me a note. (((HUGS)))

Peajewel Peajewel

I am so sorry for your loss! I also wish you luck in the future!

madfoot madfoot

Taryn, I'm sorry. Last September I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. I had a weird disconnected feeling about it. It wasn't until I got pregnant again (two months later, just sayin'...) that I realized how crappy I had been feeling. I didn't even really believe I was pregnant again until I heard the heartbeat at 10 weeks. It's a very difficult thing to process, duh.

justa... justanotherjen

(Hugs).
I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks after 4 successful and uneventful pregnancies. It completely threw me for a loop. Mine was a lot more intense. I started spotting and a few hours later was having severe cramps. By that afternoon I was at the doctor's office in a whole lot of pain. She sent me to the ER for an ultrasound where I was in so much pain I was nearly screaming. They gave me something for the pain and diagnosed a "threatened" miscarriage and sent me home. I ended up right back there at 3am where I sat in the waiting room for a good 5 hours in agonizing pain. I finally miscarried in the waiting room bathroom since they would do NOTHING for me (wouldn't even take me to a private room, I had to be out in the open so everyone could hear me crying and screaming in pain). It was horrible and humiliating and traumatic.
That was last May. I got pregnant again last October and I'm now about 23 weeks along and doing just fine. I was terrified for the first 16 weeks but now I can feel the baby moving and things are normal.

mama2... mama2000_1

Oh honey - I am so sorry. I understand grasping for that false sense of hope. In July 2007 I went for a routine 12 week check up. I was feeling fine, normal, and pregnant. They couldn't find a heartbeat so they did an u/s just to be sure. They found a sack, but no baby. They offered a pill to get things going, but I refused, just in case. What if they were wrong? My body wasn't rejecting it yet, so it might be ok. July 29 was the worst day of my life. That was the day it actually happened. I bled and bled but nothing else came out. Eventually I ended up at the ER and had a d&c. THE most horrible day. I was numb and then I was an emotional basket case. I cried at the drop of a hat. I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide. And I might have if it hadn;t have been for my other children. Find someone on here or somewhere else that you can talk to. Someone who knows your grief, can understand your pain, and will just listen to you pour your heart out. Do you ever fully recover? Sure. Is this a part of you forever? Absolutely. You won't ever forget it or truly get over it, but the pain and sadness do lessen as time goes on. Thankfully we got pregnant a few months later and after the initial 16 weeks of hell wondering if everything was ok, we told everyone and actually started planning a little at a time. I'm so very sorry for your loss and hope you truly find help for your grief and I wish you luck for your future.

MayMo... MayMommy07

So sorry for your loss! I had a miscarriage in 2006& 2009 and both times I felt so sad and such a loss. I thankfully had our DD in 2007 and I am so greatful! There is hope and it will happen! Best of Luck to you!! :)

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