Sarah Silverman Thinks We Should Start Protecting Sperm -- Masturbation Kills!

Sarah Silverman at BAM

Once upon a time women had jurisdiction over their bodies -- said no one ever. For as long as we can remember, the government has not only tried to censor images of our bodies but also legislate what it is that we can do with it -- because many in government know best (of course). Yes, a group of balding, doughnut-eating men -- plus a few women who didn't turn with the century -- have psychic connections with each of our reproductive organs and have been gifted with the almighty knowledge that serves to make decisions for us. And, although there have been plenty of women to propose solutions to these ongoing shenanigans, none of the proposals are quite as appealing as Sarah Silverman's -- who thinks it's high time to start legislating male masturbation. Believe it or not, that's a plan we can get behind. 


To all the good people behind crazy government restrictions on abortion, hear what Silverman had to say during her stand-up set at Brooklyn Academy of Music, when she talked about those poor abandoned sperm cells:

Scientists have found that sperms cells smell. Like I know sperm smells, but sperm cells have the sense of smell, and you know what that means: Sperm is life. And you know what that means: We've gotta legislate that shit.

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Well aware of the completely bogus fact that many states still require women to view ultrasounds of their fetus prior to opting for an abortion, Silverman called for a similar procedure so men can see their sperm before they attempt to relieve themselves of any built-up sexual tension. "We're going to show you the ultrasound, so you can see the life in your balls," she explained.

Hmm, sounds simple enough to us, because as hilarious as it is, she's got a damn good point! And, while there have been mixed studies -- some correlating with her point and ones, later on, reporting differently -- we're holding onto hope.

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Nevertheless, her point is clear: A woman's control over her body is ridiculously policed -- but here we are still allowing men to masturbate with a total disregard for the "life" that lives within, diminishing that life span with the stroke of their bare hands, as Silverman reminded us. So, the question remains -- what are we going to do about this f*ckery that the government has over our bodies and choices? Surely, if things work out according to plan for Sarah, the rate of men killing off sperm by suffocation may just decrease immensely. So perhaps we wait? For now, that is. 

Image via Anna Webber/Getty Images for Vulture Festival

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