5 Ways a Donald Trump Presidency Would Make Motherhood 'Great Again'

donald trumpIf you're a human woman and mother with eyes, ears, and a functioning brain, there's a good chance you're at least mildly alarmed at the thought of Donald Trump being elected president. (And by mildly alarmed, we mean waking up in the middle of the night in a cold, soul-sucking sweat screaming "WHYYYY??") But no need to panic, gals! When you really think about it, there are lots of ways a Trump presidency would be yuuuuuuge for moms!


Hey, Trump "cherishes" women. We know this is true because he said it, and everything Trump says is ... well, never mind. Heh heh. It's actually perfectly fine that not everything Trump says is true, because he also said you should treat women like "sh*t." So, you know, if you kind of average out the two comments, it means Trump likes girls just fine. And THAT is good for moms! Just like these other five things:

1. You'll never have to worry about work/life balance again!

Hey, being a working mom is tough, amirite? But never fear! Once President Trump is sworn in, no longer will you be burdened with juggling the needs of both your family and your career -- because women will be back where they belong, at home! Sure, you've worked hard to get to where you are today, and maybe you even find your career mildly "fulfilling" or something feminist like that, but Trump will no doubt make sure that gender politics go into #TBT mode errrryday of the week! It's like he said that time on The Howard Stern Show: “I like kids. I mean I won’t do anything to take care of them. I’ll provide the funds and she’ll take care of the kids.” 

Phew! Aren't you relieved we'll be going back to a time when women just had to fry up the bacon in a pan and didn't have to bring it home too?? I can't wait to start dressing like Betty Draper!!

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2. You can finally toss that pesky breast pump! 

Ugh, pumping is the worst! Luckily, if Trump is sworn in, he'll most likely make this pesky and life-sustaining activity illegal! Because we all remember the "meltdown" Trump had when a female lawyer requested a break from a 2011 deposition in order to pump (if you blocked it out forgot, he called her "disgusting"). So sell that pump to a Bernie supporter before the official ban -- you won't need it anyway, since you'll be quitting your job to stay home with the kids 24/7!

3. The pro-vax/anti-vax wars will end at last!

Are you tired of seeing your Facebook feed erupt into arguments over the safety of vaccines? That should all come to a screeching halt when everybody starts following President Trump's bewildering example by becoming both pro- and anti-vaccine at the same time! It's like he said, he's "totally in favor of vaccines. But I want smaller doses over a longer period of time. Same exact amount, but you take this little beautiful baby, and you pump -- I mean, it looks just like it's meant for a horse, not for a child."

Oh! Is that all it takes?? Trump is so much smarter than science. (Additional bonus to Trump taking charge: People will finally stop mistaking children for horses!)

4. Visits to the salon will be government subsidized!

Donald Trump has very high standards when it comes to how women are supposed to look, okay? Not even Heidi Klum is a "10" in his book, and Carly Fiorina? Just don't go there. One thing's for sure: President Trump isn't gonna want a lot of "loser" "bimbo" "dogs" roaming around his country, so I'm pretty sure that's gonna translate to free salon visits for all American women! It's gonna be great! We'll all get "beauty insurance" cards to present to our stylists, just like you do at the doctor's office, except we'll be getting gratis highlights and blow-outs instead of Pap smears and blood tests. Sure, there might be a co-pay, but shelling out 10 or 15 bucks is still better than what you'd usually have to spend on a Brazilian! (Oh yeah, I'm also pretty sure we'll all be required to wax by law. Just a guess, but I bet Melania would back me up on this one.)

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5. Periods will go away forever!

Oh, come on -- don't even act like you're not on board with this one! Ain't a lady out there who truly likes having her period, and ain't a man out there who hates the fact that ladies get them quite as much as Donald Trump does (feelings he made abundantly clear when he discussed blood coming out of Megyn Kelly's "wherever" and called Hillary Clinton's trip to the bathroom "disgusting"). Granted, I'm not sure how Trump is actually going to make periods a thing of the past, but given his impressive base of scientific knowledge (see his views on vaccines above), it seems safe to say he'll find a way! And it's a good thing, too, because not getting your period is going to make life as a well-coiffed stay-at-home mom soooo much easier. 

No more lying awake at night trembling in fear, girls! American moms can rest easy knowing their future is bright. Mani-pedis for all!


Image via © James Colburn/Demotix/Corbis

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